too much?

[curlygurl97]

I'm 20 and live at home. I'm a full time student and used to work until I got laid off a few months ago. I've looked for a job since then, but have had no luck. My parents expect a LOT from me. I get fairly good grades, mostly As and Bs. I also do the many chores at home, ie vacuuming, dusting, dishes, taking care of the dog, etc. With all that I do I barely hear any sort of "thank you" or any positive comment from my parents. All I get is that I need to get better grades, help out MORE around the house, etc. It's gotten really old. I know they want me to succeed, but it's so much pressure to live up to. Is there a way I can make them see that?? I've tried telling my mom to back off some, but she ended up just yelling at me and saying I was lazy. She's now going back to school, so she's even more stressed and the tension between us is higher. Any ideas would be appreciated! thanks.

[curlygurl97]

I have tried saying that I'd like to hear something more positive once in a while and it worked for about 2 days and then went back to us arguing. I really don't think my mom sees how much I do around the house at all, and it makes me frustrated a lot, which affects my relationships with other people. I'd like for things to change, but I don't know if that can happen. Moving out would be nice, but I really don't have the money to do that, so I'll be at home for a while.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Thanks for your post -- if I'm understanding you correctly, while you seem to be frustrated by the amount that your parents ask of you, not feeling appreciated is the bigger frustration.  I'm not sure that this would help, but have you told your parents that you would appreciate more encouragement?

[jupsie]

Im sorry. I really dont know what to say :(  . The only advice i have is get your education and a job and get out on your own.  In the meantime you just have to put up with it.  I always tell my kids, "if you hate it so much here, get out and get your own place."  I wish you luck  and i hope things get better for you.  Things could be worse.    I  always tell myself that and my kids.

[curlygurl97]

My parents stopped doing things for me at the same time when they stopped for my older sibling. So when my brother was a junior in high school and I was in 8th grade, we started doing our own laundry. I haven't gotten money from my parents in a long time, and the same thing happened with that, too. They stopped giving my brother money and me at the same time. I dust twice a week, along with vacuuming. My mom thinks there's a lot to be done, but she more expects me to do it than to do it herself. She'll be on the couch reading a book, and I'll be cleaning. She cleans about once a week herself and says she has no time, so I have to do it as if I have all the time in the world. I don't like the double standards for what my brother has to do and what is expected of me. Pushing me constantly does not motivate me to do better, but only irritates me and I avoid being at home longer than I need to be. She'll have a bad day at work and then come home and complain to me, though I wish she'd go to my dad/her husband. I just want a break, giving me some space.

[jupsie]

Well you sound pretty responsible to me although maybe it bothers them that you are not working. Do they provide you with spending money?  If they do give you money im sure they do expect allot from you. Do you do your own laundry? And is the dusting a once a week thing? Is your mom the type that never sits down to relax and just be carefree? because if she is anything like me , i kinda understand where she would be coming from. I hardly ever sit and in my eyes something always needs to be done. I am the same way with my daughter, im never satisfied with how and what she is doing with her life. It's just never good enough. I know what she is capeable of and i have high expectations of her. I guess what it boils down to is that i expect her to be just like me and i know that is just not so. As far as your brothers situation, well, my daughter says the same thing , "he gets away with allot of crap," " if that was me you would be freaking out mom".   And  im telling you that is not true. Although i do have different expectations of him. They are two different people.

[curlygurl97]

I do it on my own. I made up a schedule to try and fit in all the chores I'm expected to do, so that I can somewhat get a break from my parents being on my back about it all the time. Every once in a while I might have to be reminded, but it's rare. I'm not perfect. I do live at home for free, but that's only if I keep up my gpa, which I have. I don't have my friends over much at all, maybe my bf from time to time, but we tend to go to his apartment instead. My older brother is 22, almost 23, and he gets let off the hook all the time. Thrown house parties, rarely does chores, etc, and he rarely gets into trouble. If I did that, I'd be in huge trouble. I've tried talking to my mom to lighten up a bit and that I'm trying my best, but she keeps going back to "how she was when she was my age", since she went to school full time, worked, and did chores, etc.. supposedly. I kept telling her today is a lot different from before when she was in school and she can't keep comparing me, though it's been no use. I just get called lazy and irresponsible. I've gotten really tired of it and purposely don't spend much time at home, as it usually just ends up in conflict. I'm not sure what else to do, at a loss for what I can do to improve the situation.

[jupsie]

Do you take things upon yourself? Or does your mom need to remind you to do the chores you do? Are you living there for free?  I am a 47yr old mom with a 25yr old and a 22yr old that also live at home. Now i just realized you were only 20yrs old. Your doing much better than both my kids were doing at 20 so if you were mine i would be very proud of you. But are you sure your telling everything? Do you have friends over allot and are they eating all the food your parents buy? There could be so much more to your story that you haven't mentioned. But if what your saying is true than im not sure why they are putting so much pressure on you. Have you guys sat down and discussed what is bothering each and every one of you?  If you guys can do that, i think that would help. Im interested to find out more from your story because i deal with the same type of issues but my kids are older and believe me i worry on a daily basis about when they will ever grow up and hold their own.   get back to me please!!