Alcohol/porn addict

[Omusicgame]

I am 30 yr old man who has been addicted to alcohol for 12 years and porn for just a little longer.  For so long I would look at porn, masterbate, and then start drinking, I guess to alleviate the guilt that it brought on.  I never felt bad at looking at porn and drinking heavily, but over the past 5 years I have.  I'm trying now to stop drinking (which is my first goal) because I drank so much the other night, whiskey/beer, that it made me a little loopy.  I was scared during my hangover, I was in a dark dark place, and I was having hallucinations.  This wasnt the first time, but it was horrible.  
But now I am back to being me, and it feels great.  I dont want to drink anymore and I dont want to look at porn.  The hardest part about this is I feel like I am really transforming ya know, like its changing who I am.  I guess it should be changing me for the better, but sometimes I get really scared that I dont get to have these things, the drinking and what not.  I heard that it's my old self dying off.  IDK. What do you think?

[dominosarah]

I applaud you for having a goal but you really need to take care of your addictions first cuz if you dont all your hopes and dreams will go right down the drain and that is a guarantee.  Did you know that alot of recording companies now wont even talk with you if you are using?  Get your life in order and you will be able to see your goals alot better.  Justin Bieber may be a tool but he is clean and sober.

[10356]

Thank you Ibizan very much.. That bought a BIG smile this morning :) it was a long and very difficult process accepting my past and taking responsibility for my part but it was worth every tear shed..  lesa

[ibizan]

Thank You for ur wise advise and comments here....u r evidence that recovery works...for u r willing to put the WORK in2 it it requires....a therapist is merely a guide mentor sounding board and giving u directions...ur the captain of ur recovery ship!Keep navigating the ship thru the often choppy waters of life!:)

[10356]

Hi Omusicgame.. How are you doing ? I read your response and I appreciate your honesty.. ya know you were never tied up and forced to do any of the things you blame your wife for. you had to have a active roll in those decisions.. In my journey I have learned to take responsibility for at one time I blamed my behavior and anything else bad that happened to me on my stepfather. it was easier that way becuase I did not have to put in any effort to change it our have to make amends to those I hurt.. it also allowed me to continue with my addictions, it was easier.. as far as your job You could do better if you put in the effort but then again it is easier to be at a job you despise, you get away with drinking and bad behavior.. I really hope you are trying to quit drinking.. If you are today would be day 5 :) It is very draining on the spirit to feel all these negative thoughts Not only on you but your wife.. Take responsibility for Your part in Your Life... You are worth the effort.. It took me a therapist to work thru my past it was definitely worth the effort.. If you are really serious hit up a AA meeting you never know you may find other musicians that are in recovery :)

[ibizan]

I guess anything is possible....look at it this way...if u'd put as much time and energy in2 getting sober as u seem to put in2 drinking maybe u could!Ur obviously not succeeding in ur present state!Bieber is a punk...true...but he didn't get to where he's at being high and drunk a good amount of his waking hours!And he has a teeny bopper fan base!

[Omusicgame]

Well, you know, I could still be a rock star.  This world needs more of them, and I can do it sober.  We need to get rid of the Justin Biebers n crap.

[ibizan]

Great comment 10356!ditto ditto ditto!and Omusicgame u been wanting to be a rockstar for years.....u need to get over it....for one of these days the wife will weary of nursemaiding u.....and the damage will be totally unable to be undone!

[Omusicgame]

Thank you 10356.  I really wanna get real and do this.  I havent drank in 2 days so thats a start, I guess.  I don't want to waste my life anymore or my wife's.  I'm just afraid, ya know, when I dont drink or look at porn.  I feel trapped, scared, I feel like death is whispering in my ears.  Its bad.  I guess since I havent tried this before, its all stranger to me.  But yeah.  Things start attacking me, crazy things. I sometimes think I should be a rockstar, but I feel my wife took me away from that, and my best friend and other friends.  I sometimes feel like my bad leg or inuries, is because of her sometimes.  She also doesn't turn me on, like some other girls do.  But ya know, outta all of that, during my horrible hangover 2 days ago, she was like an angel and made me feel so much better when she got home to see me.  That's when I realized i love her.  So part of me loves her, and yes ur right, part of me has resentment for her, or anything else.  I dont know, i also am mad because im a delivery driver and i know i could be doing better.  See, more resentment.  It's bad.  But I guess I have to start from this point and continue working on sobriety and less porn or no porn.  I gotta see who I really am and what I really want, so I have to do this.  Thanks again 10356.  I am going to send you a friend request so I can talk to you more.

[10356]

Hello Omusicgame.. Yesterday I spent a while reading your post to different community's. from everything I have gathered you have been unhappy with your choices for a long time now. resentment regret sadness recrimination.anger. it sounds like you have a very loving wife whom you take total advantage over.. I sure hope you will not be bringing your friend home again :( The theme in all of your post is alcohol.. alcohol leads us all to be malcontent. the only way out of this is a willing spirit I have not figured out yet if you truly have one our if you need the attention to feed your misery. I know about misery and I know how alcohol fuels it and I know how we use that misery to further justify our continued drinking. I do not mean to sound harsh just speaking from reality.. get of the pot and do something. I know in your addiction you can not see the damage you are doing to others/wife but I believe you get glimpses. it is so wrong for a person to visit hurt on another especially when You know you are.. as far as the porn You received a excellent response about putting a filter on your computer that limits access and sends to someone you can be accountable to the time you checked out the porn. but you have not even considered this. we fuel our addictions in many way's Just because we say how terrible we are while active does not create recovery. getting real and applying what you have already learned does.. anyway Hope 1 of the excellent answers you have received gets thru for you are wasting your life and your wife's life.. lesa