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Alcoholic boyfriend question ---- Long, but PLEASE READ!
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post or not. I need help deciding what to do. My boyfriend has a drinking problem. He used to drink nightly (at least 2 beers, but often more than that) and then go big on occasions such as a party or poker night or whatever. One day I saw him have 17 beers throughout the day and another time I saw him drink 9 in a sitting of watching 2-hour movie.
It took a long time for me to realize there was a potential problem because when we first started dating I only saw him two or three times a week, and because it would be a fancy dinner, or a party with friends, or some other occasion where it was perfectly reasonable/acceptable/expected to drink, I didn't think anything of him drinking. --- Everyone was drinking at those types of events and he never got drunk or unruly. It took a long while for me to register the fact that he was drinking more than everyone, and that he was drinking regularly in addition to these events. In fact, I didn't realize until shortly before I moved in with him. Just before he asked me to move in, he started having me around his place a lot more often (days at a time) and that's when a warning light started flashing but I still didn't realize the extent.
I told him if I moved in, I didn't want drinking to be a normal part of our life. I didn't live like that. He agreed and cut down a bit. (He wasn't drinking EVERY single night anymore) and when I moved in, I thought it would be okay. But the first weekend I lived there, he drank so much in front of the TV, that he eventually passed out. A few days after that was when he had the 17 beers, I mentioned, and that's when I knew this was more than just *heavy drinking.* I suggested to him that he might stop drinking (if he wanted to) for 30 days and see how he felt. I also mentioned that maybe after the 30 days, it would be a good idea to not have it be a part of regular life. These were suggestions, I did not place a rule or an ultimatum. He did it. Quit for 30 days and has "kept it in check" since then. He doesn't have a drink for *no reason*, and only drinks when there's some sort of *event* so I started to believe that he was okay, that he took action before alcohol got a *hold on him.* But again, there were warnings I was missing.
He plays poker once a month. On those nights he would come home and "fall asleep on the couch." I asked him why he did this and he said it was because he was pretty amped when he came home from poker and couldn't sleep so he'd watch TV until he fell asleep. I naively believed him. He always reeked of alcohol the next day (and of course I knew he drank at poker) but I believed that he really fell asleep (not passed out.) A few weeks ago, we had some events where there was drinking involved several days in a row. I worried and told him I worried about the habit coming back. He said he'd never allow his life to be like that again. So again, I relaxed.
HOwever, yesterday he went to an event and came home early (his friend who drove him had an unexpected emergency) when he got home he was BLITZED. .... And he kept drinking. I went to another part of the house to do my own thing awhile, and finally I went and saw him passed out on the couch. For hours. He finally came to bed in the middle of the night (but was passed out by 7:30)
My question is this. I'm thinking of leaving. Today. I do not want to, (and cannot) live with a person with a drinking problem. However, I read something today that said "don't leave" until you've joined al-anon. I read something else that said, if the alcoholic is not abusive, or causing strife, don't leave, but stay to help them.
I know all about enabling/not enabling. I've done lots of research. The problem is that most advice is for people whose husbands are abusive, or lives are destructive. This guy works, pays his bills, and never gets mouthy or rude or degrading. So I am not sure if it is best for me to tell him today that I am leaving and I hope he gets help, or if it is better to *give him a chance* by saying, you must stop or I will be out of here.
For the record, because he cut so far back (in comparison to his previous drinking) and he has also started seeing a counselor, I am inclined to believe he may be just about ready to *surrender*. Any advice would be great.
It took a long time for me to realize there was a potential problem because when we first started dating I only saw him two or three times a week, and because it would be a fancy dinner, or a party with friends, or some other occasion where it was perfectly reasonable/acceptable/expected to drink, I didn't think anything of him drinking. --- Everyone was drinking at those types of events and he never got drunk or unruly. It took a long while for me to register the fact that he was drinking more than everyone, and that he was drinking regularly in addition to these events. In fact, I didn't realize until shortly before I moved in with him. Just before he asked me to move in, he started having me around his place a lot more often (days at a time) and that's when a warning light started flashing but I still didn't realize the extent.
I told him if I moved in, I didn't want drinking to be a normal part of our life. I didn't live like that. He agreed and cut down a bit. (He wasn't drinking EVERY single night anymore) and when I moved in, I thought it would be okay. But the first weekend I lived there, he drank so much in front of the TV, that he eventually passed out. A few days after that was when he had the 17 beers, I mentioned, and that's when I knew this was more than just *heavy drinking.* I suggested to him that he might stop drinking (if he wanted to) for 30 days and see how he felt. I also mentioned that maybe after the 30 days, it would be a good idea to not have it be a part of regular life. These were suggestions, I did not place a rule or an ultimatum. He did it. Quit for 30 days and has "kept it in check" since then. He doesn't have a drink for *no reason*, and only drinks when there's some sort of *event* so I started to believe that he was okay, that he took action before alcohol got a *hold on him.* But again, there were warnings I was missing.
He plays poker once a month. On those nights he would come home and "fall asleep on the couch." I asked him why he did this and he said it was because he was pretty amped when he came home from poker and couldn't sleep so he'd watch TV until he fell asleep. I naively believed him. He always reeked of alcohol the next day (and of course I knew he drank at poker) but I believed that he really fell asleep (not passed out.) A few weeks ago, we had some events where there was drinking involved several days in a row. I worried and told him I worried about the habit coming back. He said he'd never allow his life to be like that again. So again, I relaxed.
HOwever, yesterday he went to an event and came home early (his friend who drove him had an unexpected emergency) when he got home he was BLITZED. .... And he kept drinking. I went to another part of the house to do my own thing awhile, and finally I went and saw him passed out on the couch. For hours. He finally came to bed in the middle of the night (but was passed out by 7:30)
My question is this. I'm thinking of leaving. Today. I do not want to, (and cannot) live with a person with a drinking problem. However, I read something today that said "don't leave" until you've joined al-anon. I read something else that said, if the alcoholic is not abusive, or causing strife, don't leave, but stay to help them.
I know all about enabling/not enabling. I've done lots of research. The problem is that most advice is for people whose husbands are abusive, or lives are destructive. This guy works, pays his bills, and never gets mouthy or rude or degrading. So I am not sure if it is best for me to tell him today that I am leaving and I hope he gets help, or if it is better to *give him a chance* by saying, you must stop or I will be out of here.
For the record, because he cut so far back (in comparison to his previous drinking) and he has also started seeing a counselor, I am inclined to believe he may be just about ready to *surrender*. Any advice would be great.
To be honest, I'd leave him. Why? Because you're already thinking about it, and given that he's not abusive in any regard then it appears your heart isn't fully into it and I doubt he needs somebody in his life that doesn't want to be there.
I don't think you can even define this guy as being a true alcoholic, if he's gone 30 days without a drink and now drinks socially at poker (whether or not he gets blitzed. as a poker player myself, the male bondage takes over the night and almost everybody who plays is heavily intoxicated, but this is beside the point) and/or events, it sounds to me as though he is more of what I would describe as "a normal bloke" than an "alcoholic".
Sounds like you should leave him to his life, and search for somebody more appropriate to your suited judgment, ala somebody that doesn't drink at all.
I don't think you can even define this guy as being a true alcoholic, if he's gone 30 days without a drink and now drinks socially at poker (whether or not he gets blitzed. as a poker player myself, the male bondage takes over the night and almost everybody who plays is heavily intoxicated, but this is beside the point) and/or events, it sounds to me as though he is more of what I would describe as "a normal bloke" than an "alcoholic".
Sounds like you should leave him to his life, and search for somebody more appropriate to your suited judgment, ala somebody that doesn't drink at all.
Addiction is a family thing. You are just as affected by this and probably more so. It is time to take care of you now. Get into Alanon or some type of counseling. Once you do that and sort thru your feelings you will be able to better make a decision on where this relationship is going to go. It isnt your job to get him sober. That is up to him and him alone. Hopefully he will see the light and get serious about his addiction and do something about it. All the best sara
Hi, I agree with ibizan, it is his problem, if he wants help he needs to be the one that looks for it. You must look after yourself, yes you can help but only if he is willing to be openly honest about his problem.
Ray
Ray
COMMUNITY LEADER
Wow!such a refreshing insight that u are not taking responsibility for his problem...if he truly wants the relationship and dealing with HIS problem he will seek help with your support!And being supportive is no guarantee that the relationship will work out but there is always hope that it will.No one has to live with anyone who has a drinking/drug problem....i think relationships are a team effort and way too many times in this forum the woman or at times the man is trying to cajole persuade berate and threaten the drinker/addict in2 recovery which is such a waste of energy for her/him.Attending some Al-Anon meetings would be a good support for u!Hope u check some out!
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