Effects of my alcohol use

[Cricketk92]

Hi i am Karen and just joined the alcoholism forum.  I have been on the Substance abuse forum for about 2 months now.  I am 35 days clean from pain meds!  I havent had a drink in about 9 months!  Even though I would say that my DOC is opiates being clean from them this last 35 days I have done a lot of thinking.  I realize that alcohol is truly the drug that made my life completely unmanageable!  For the last 8 years the opiates numbed any and all pain and I didnt have to think about anything else.  I was divorced in Sept 2014 but we had been separated for about 4 years prior to that.  We met in 2002 and I really believe he was the man I was supposed to spend my life with!  We got married in 2003. I am now 55 and had never been married prior to him.  But at the point when I met him I was drinking daily and hid it pretty well!  I didnt have a sober day through our whole marriage!  I knew that alcohol was ruining our relationship once he realized that I had a drinking problem....I even went to detox for 2 weeks and stayed clean for about 4 months.  But alcohol meant more to me than he did and I went back to drinking the vodka everyday.  My son and I moved out of his house where we were living with his 2 daughters in 2005 and he and I tried to make it work but in the end I had  just burned too many bridges with him.  
I guess I just needed to type this out loud and hear it because now that my feelings are coming back I am feeling so much anger and guilt at myself for that whole relationship and how I destroyed it!  Luckily my son wasnt too badly effected by my drinking but Im sure he knew that something was going on.  Ever since 2006 and getting on pain meds I rarely drank....maybe once or twice a year but I still got drunk those times that I did drink!
SO this time getting clean I am doing things differently....going to meetings, I have a therapist and am going to a Dual Diagnosis group.   I know I cant change the past but I sure HATE these feelings that I have to deal with now!!

[dominosarah]

Hi Cricket!!  Nice to see you here and Congrats on 9 months alcohol free!!  You will know when you find the right fit so keep looking.  When we deal with dual addictions it can seem overwhelming at times so just take those baby steps.  Reaching out is very important and sometimes hard for us as we all tried to do this on our own which ended up to be an epic fail!  As ibizan said, go with one hour at a time as one day at a time can seem like an eternity on occasion.  I start my recovery everyday the moment my feet hit the ground.  This is a great forum with amazing people so dont be afraid to post away!

[ibizan]

Be easy on yourself,you're getting there!Baby steps!We're here for you when you need us!I've been sober/clean 31 years now and 24 hrs.is still pretty big for me.Life can change in the blink of an eye so I like one hour at a time!

[Cricketk92]

Thank you!  I dont have a sponsor yet.  I just started meetings 3 weeks ago and just havent felt the right fit yet!  I do have numbers from people to call and I have a therapist who I have been talking to about it!  I know how important a sponsor is and working the steps so I am for sure looking for one!!!  I have a LOT of "crap" to work through!!!!  :)

[ibizan]

Your are courageous to face your demons lady!continuing to drink will greatly MULTIPLY them!do you have a sponsor?if so enlisting their help...especially if THEY have done a 4th Step the RIGHT way...to guide you in doing yours is very helpful!we've ALL had to cleanse ourselves emotionally and spiritually!