Aa
Live-in alcoholic
I am writing in regards to my brother-in-law who is back living with us, for about 7mths now, prior to this he lived with us for 3yrs. He is 26yrs and has had a prob. with alcohol since he was about 18. I think he knows he has a problem but refuses to truly believe it. For several yrs. now he would come home and drink by himself, he spends his money on liquor rather than paying bills, he drives drunk, and he use to get really aggresive (not so much anymore though).
Most recently on New Years Eve he decided to leave the house everyone was partying at, he was a complete mess, he could not talk, barely walk and hardly keep his head up. At the beginning of the evening he was asked for his keys but he said he got a ride there. Well he did. And he decided to drive home. He ended up crashing into the ditch and luckily did not hurt anyone in the incident. I was furious with him. He managed to find his way back to the party and blew it off as being everyone else fault but his, and continues to drink.
My husband the next day told him, should he choose to drink again, inside or outside of our home he would have to leave. Since then I feel as though I have been standing guard trying to find out whether he is sneaking around drinking, as that is typically what he would do, sometimes I think I am going crazy, I hear bottles and try to catch him in the act but don't. The other day he was got home and was in his car and could have sworn he was drinking from a beer can but confronted him on it and he denied it saying it was his coffe cup. Well this morning I went to the basement and under his computer I saw a bottle of rye and vodka and half glass full under his computer desk. I did not confront him, but moved them up onto the table as my 18mth son was downthere playing. I don't know what to do, my husband is a way working weeks at a time. I do not like feeling awkward and tense in my own home. I know that he needs help but the rest of his fam. I believe feels that his life would only get more screwed up if he had to an in-treatment facility ( as bills and everyting else would get backed up) as of right now though he is not working anyway. I also worry that if we kick him out of our home his problem will only intesify, but I am tired of being his mom, tired of staying up all night listening to see if he is drinking, tired of everyone pretending nothing is wrong, tired of his friends laughing at the stories he has after a drunk when behind his back they all say he has a problem and tired of putting my children through this even though I'm sure they don't quite understand as of yet.
Can anyone help me as to what I should do, or say to him or to his family? I want him to get helped as I care for him as if he wasw my own brother. Advice, insight comments would all be greatly appreciated. Thank-you
Most recently on New Years Eve he decided to leave the house everyone was partying at, he was a complete mess, he could not talk, barely walk and hardly keep his head up. At the beginning of the evening he was asked for his keys but he said he got a ride there. Well he did. And he decided to drive home. He ended up crashing into the ditch and luckily did not hurt anyone in the incident. I was furious with him. He managed to find his way back to the party and blew it off as being everyone else fault but his, and continues to drink.
My husband the next day told him, should he choose to drink again, inside or outside of our home he would have to leave. Since then I feel as though I have been standing guard trying to find out whether he is sneaking around drinking, as that is typically what he would do, sometimes I think I am going crazy, I hear bottles and try to catch him in the act but don't. The other day he was got home and was in his car and could have sworn he was drinking from a beer can but confronted him on it and he denied it saying it was his coffe cup. Well this morning I went to the basement and under his computer I saw a bottle of rye and vodka and half glass full under his computer desk. I did not confront him, but moved them up onto the table as my 18mth son was downthere playing. I don't know what to do, my husband is a way working weeks at a time. I do not like feeling awkward and tense in my own home. I know that he needs help but the rest of his fam. I believe feels that his life would only get more screwed up if he had to an in-treatment facility ( as bills and everyting else would get backed up) as of right now though he is not working anyway. I also worry that if we kick him out of our home his problem will only intesify, but I am tired of being his mom, tired of staying up all night listening to see if he is drinking, tired of everyone pretending nothing is wrong, tired of his friends laughing at the stories he has after a drunk when behind his back they all say he has a problem and tired of putting my children through this even though I'm sure they don't quite understand as of yet.
Can anyone help me as to what I should do, or say to him or to his family? I want him to get helped as I care for him as if he wasw my own brother. Advice, insight comments would all be greatly appreciated. Thank-you
COMMUNITY LEADER
c billy that damn hep c was YOUR sick and tired and getting sick!that was ur wakeup call!i'll bet u ha d a miserable withdrawal......i hate to see family breakups and ur right it is all any us will have and appreciate..well some of us do.....but when that drinker keeps on keeping on with the drinking and the pain its causing the leaving spouse has no other choice but to stay and get as sick or sicker than they OR leave ....the leaving is the hopeful wakeup call for the drinker......it is a real roll of the dice...i'll bet u smell better to ur dogs sober!now i can hear u laffing...i had a guy tell me when he was drunk his cat wouldn't come near him and he loves this cat..i told him u stink 2 her!when he wasn't drinking she'd curl up on his lap!animals KNOW and a dogs sense of smell 400 x's keener than ours!so Ursula Moses and the pups and that ONE pup probly tell each other...billy smell so much better now!:))))))))
ok...........this sounds really naive but true...when i quit drinking i didn't know what was happening...the doctor said either your going through withdrawal or you have hep c....so they did the blood tests and sent them out...well i called my oldest daughter (who is a nurse)to try and help me figure out what was going on...we looked up alcoholism and read all the symptoms...and we looked up hep c and looked up all the symptoms...the symptoms were the same..so i was taliking to my daughter every night with terrible anxiety and symptoms and we came to the conclusion that i was an alcoholic...so believe it or not i was hoping when i went in to find out about the blood test that i was an alcoholic so bad...i became almost positive that that was the answer...i can't tell you how i felt when i got the test results...anyway...i was an alcoholic with hep c...now thats real bad...and my withdrawal was awfull...they say it can be 6 times as bad as someone without hep c...i think i almost died quite a few times...as for 2 times...i just hate to see a familly break up...when it gets right down to it familly is the only thinjg you can really count on and no one should lose that...but i get your point ibizan...thanks...billy
COMMUNITY LEADER
mebbe ur friends didn't tell u u drank that much for they drank more or as much as u...and if they didn't u were most likely a very hardworking functional alcoholic!i doubt u woulda woke up and smelled the coffee if someone gave u info bout alcoholism when u were in the throes of it.....i sure as hell wouldnt've off..i woulda got defensive......not me i can control it...yeah right.....AA has this saying and i think its true...we gotta get sick and tired of being sick and tired and then.....we surrender!
thats really too bad..maybe he will straighten out some day and you will be able to have him come around...thinking back to when i was a kid i remember going over to some of my friends houses and their parents drinking a lot every night...i had no idea what that was...in fact untill the last 2 years i was drinking i still knew very little about it...i remember i would tell my friends that i thought i was drinking too much and they would say "billy you don't drink that much"..kind of made me feel better and ignore my problem.....i know your uptight about his drinking around your kids but what did you expect? i think you and your husband should really work hard on trying to help him...not at your house but go see him now and then and let him know how much it would mean to you and your husband and himself if he would just stop....you and your husband seem to have a good handle on things...seems like your pretty together...i wish someone in my familly stayed on me about my drinking...not buged me but pulled off some stuff from the internet for me to read or them to read and show to me...mjlthewriter had just posted a sad story someone wrote about their husband...also if you stay on the forum every now and then you may be able to get info and help others..good luck...billy
COMMUNITY LEADER
don't ever think an alcoholic would never do that..like drink and watch ur children.....i'm suprised u let him do that and ur hub agreed!glad he is out of house.....what would this man do if u 2 were not around?probably find some woman or friends to enable him!Thank God nothing happened to ur children!
Well some has happened since I last wrote. But if I could first I would just like to say that my husband is truly one of the best and he struggles because he wants to help his brother and the only way he knows how to (with his brother not admitting he has a problem) is to give him what he can which is somewhere to stay, eat, he tries to give him the life skills he needs to pay bills, maintain secure jobs, but unfortunately time and time again none of it works,
Anyways since the last time I wrote my husband came home and had a talking with his brother, told him he had one more chance, that if he chooses to drink in our home again he will have to leave. I felt as though he should have been out then but ...I can't help but feel for my husband, I know how difficult this is for him as well.
Well 2 days later my BIL was babysitting our children while we went out for our anniversary dinner and a movie. When we arrived at home at 10p.m I could smell liquor on his breath and after observing and listening to him talk, we could tell he was smashed. My husband of course confronted him and asked him how much he drank and he denied it over and over again. My husband forund the bottle he had drank. Of course there was plently of yelling and we told him he would have to leave and he would never stay with us again, we called his dad to come pick him up, as we could not let him drivebut he decided to take off on foot in minus40 degree weather, my husband then went to try and find him, found him once but my BIL just wanted to fight him then took off into a field. After calling the RCMP and an hour and a half searching he was found and put in the drunk tank.
We were furious how could he dare think abvout drinking while watching our children. I never once thought he would ever do that. I know he has a problem but never dreamt it was athis bad. He didn't drink every day, as far as I knew. I think that because he had to sneak around to drink he felt well they are out of the house it's the perfect time. I feel like a horrible mother, I should have known better, obviously I was foolinf myself into thinking it wasn't as bad as it is.
Needless to say he will NEVER watch my children again, NEVER stay with us again and right now I feel like he should NEVER set foot in my home again. After all is done though at least at very least he is now out of our home!
Anyways since the last time I wrote my husband came home and had a talking with his brother, told him he had one more chance, that if he chooses to drink in our home again he will have to leave. I felt as though he should have been out then but ...I can't help but feel for my husband, I know how difficult this is for him as well.
Well 2 days later my BIL was babysitting our children while we went out for our anniversary dinner and a movie. When we arrived at home at 10p.m I could smell liquor on his breath and after observing and listening to him talk, we could tell he was smashed. My husband of course confronted him and asked him how much he drank and he denied it over and over again. My husband forund the bottle he had drank. Of course there was plently of yelling and we told him he would have to leave and he would never stay with us again, we called his dad to come pick him up, as we could not let him drivebut he decided to take off on foot in minus40 degree weather, my husband then went to try and find him, found him once but my BIL just wanted to fight him then took off into a field. After calling the RCMP and an hour and a half searching he was found and put in the drunk tank.
We were furious how could he dare think abvout drinking while watching our children. I never once thought he would ever do that. I know he has a problem but never dreamt it was athis bad. He didn't drink every day, as far as I knew. I think that because he had to sneak around to drink he felt well they are out of the house it's the perfect time. I feel like a horrible mother, I should have known better, obviously I was foolinf myself into thinking it wasn't as bad as it is.
Needless to say he will NEVER watch my children again, NEVER stay with us again and right now I feel like he should NEVER set foot in my home again. After all is done though at least at very least he is now out of our home!
First let me say that you are not his keeper. If you ask him to leave your house and worry that things will get worse for him, then you are probably right. The fact is, yes he will most likely get worse, but it can not be your problem. There is nothing you can do for this man, and you need to let him move on no matter what his life turns out to be. He will only seek help when he is ready and that may never happen. So, you need to make him move on so you are your family can get your lives back together.
Primarily, you and hub must be on the same page. Your family (the little ones, you and your hub) are the priority here. Just like raising children--confronting your BIL will take a united front and sticking to your guns; regarding an ultimatum. You are not responsible for playing 'alcohol cop'. I know what I put my own hub through with hiding, sneaking and lying; so I know that this is highly stressful for you.
Your hub needs to realize that pretending nothing's wrong does not make it right. BIL either needs to go to treatment or to be gone. You and your children come first here. Good luck.
Your hub needs to realize that pretending nothing's wrong does not make it right. BIL either needs to go to treatment or to be gone. You and your children come first here. Good luck.
what a story...what a drag..does your husband drink? seems like you've got to get him out of there...what ever happens to him happens..you can't blame yourself...and look at your life ..going around checking up on a 26 year old....like ibizan says the kids are going to pick up on this...you might do better helping him pay rent somewhere...cuz sounds like he's going to drink no matter what....good luck...billy
COMMUNITY LEADER
ur hub is quite the enabler to allow his bro to move back in when he's been irresponsible with paying rent bills etc in the past and now.....he is not helping him at all.if there was no ur hub where would this guy be?crashing on the sofa of his other drunken friends?one of these days he will kill someone else with his drunk driving..God forbid it b a child or family....and he will end up in a form of treatment......detoxing in a jail cell.how old r ur children witnessing this craziness?ur hub needs to give him ultimatum.....treatment and staying sober or leave.In ur county of residence there r outpatient substance abuse clinics that receive state funding to help those without insurance.He could go there if he wanted......IF HE WANTED.......and if not he needs to leave.I had a 3 year old boy tell me his mom was smoking rock.....crack....don't ever think kids don't know whats going on!U could use some Al-Anon!
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