Aa
My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?
I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
wow im going through the same thing. married for 17 years. my wife likes to drink wine or almost anything, when we go to the lake its like 100 bucks just for her wine, gin, vodka..her and her friends start dinking at 4pm till the wee hours.... i get so mad when i get home and my wife has already started drinking wine, at least 3/4 quaters of bottle of wine a night. and alot more if i complain about it or give her the look(ive been told) now she blames me for making her drink so much. when she gets drunk she says that she is been upset for years and it comes out when she drinks.the only problem i have is she drinks too much. every holiday we have gone there is one night of pure hell. and its because of drinking. the next day after ignoring her for a couple hours she comes and says sorry. most of the time she cant remember why she would get so mad at me. it never fails now, after we go out to the pub or have friends over or a fire pit at the lake it ends with me doing or saying that makes her irrate. last time at the lake i took to long to help her out of her chair(i was in the middle of conversation) she called me a bunch of names, i ignored her and went to bed, you could hear her kicking chairs around. next morning she cant remember but its my fault. i dont think there is much help for us. i love every morning with her before i go to work, we have coffee talk even share a kiss. but when i get home the wine has started again..
Sorry to hear but completely understand. My husband was at that point just didn't feel like trying anymore bc I was a very mean drunk. It got so bad he put a restraining order on me for 6 months of course I drank whole time n got alot of charges n now I'm n mental health court n that is the only reason he took me back bc I have to sober. But we still drink here n there but him leaving me n I finally seen the ****** person I was made me do alot of thinking we have a kid been married 5 yrs. N drinking isn't worth losing the only 2 ppl I love. Maybe taken a break and leaving let her know just how serious. U are that u don't like it will maybe make her understand that drinking really isn't that important. That is if you even feel like trying! Just trying to give advice. N maybe would work if that is what u wanted hope the best for y'all!
Good evening Ship. I'm sorry for what you are going thru It broke my heart reading your last sentence. No you are not wrong for your feeling's. You are entitled to how you feel. I was the drunk in my marriage I Thank the good spirits I'm no longer and that we are still together but I believe there was a time when my husband felt much the same way as you do.. If your wife is not willing to stop drinking and get connected into some kind of sober living this is Her Decision.. 17 years is a long time to live in a atmosphere that you are not happy in.. Hopefully your wife will stop drinking completely get real and honest with herself when she see's that you are serious about making a life without her. Life is short enough without living it unhappily.. I just wanted to add my support and to let you know that you are not a terrible person You are a person that is fed up with living with a drunk. I get it.. Take care ok and you are correct your daughter does not need to see nor hear this what she needs to see and hear are solutions and our progress towards a healthier way of living for you both, the wife also if she is willing.. lesa
Thank you for the kinds words. Just a little update:
For nearly a month, my wife's drinking has slowed drastically. Along with that, her mood has become worse. This isn't anything new. With threats from me often come periods of little/no drinking. Sometimes these are refreshing and happy times, but generally these times are problematic due to her WANTING to drink. She will hint that she wants to go do things....things that generally "require" drinking. She will regularly ask that we partake in such activities, then became angry when I don't want to. I choose not to, because I know what will happen. Last night, she mentioned going to the lake. The lake was and always has been an excuse to get hammered. Going to our friends house and sitting around the fire pit is always an excuse to by a 18 pack of bud light. Camping...same thing. For years we couldn't get in the hot tub without at least 2-3 drinks. Unfortunately, we have no activities we can enjoy without her wanting to pack a cooler. And if she does refrain from drinking during these activities, she acts depressed or angry.
Last weekend, we did go to the lake. And she did drink. I admit, I did, too. And our emotions got the best of us. I twice told her what I've been too much of a coward to tell her previously....that I'm done being hurt. She baited me into saying our marriage was a mistake (basically, she said our marriage was a mistake, and I wholeheartedly agreed ) and I finished the conversation with "you aren't worth the heartache any longer". The next day we had a civil conversation about our heated argument, and I admitted my feelings were true. She admits her feelings were not true, and she was being manipulate.
I feel guilt and shame for not loving her. But the honest truth is, she disgusts me. How do two people get to this point? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
For nearly a month, my wife's drinking has slowed drastically. Along with that, her mood has become worse. This isn't anything new. With threats from me often come periods of little/no drinking. Sometimes these are refreshing and happy times, but generally these times are problematic due to her WANTING to drink. She will hint that she wants to go do things....things that generally "require" drinking. She will regularly ask that we partake in such activities, then became angry when I don't want to. I choose not to, because I know what will happen. Last night, she mentioned going to the lake. The lake was and always has been an excuse to get hammered. Going to our friends house and sitting around the fire pit is always an excuse to by a 18 pack of bud light. Camping...same thing. For years we couldn't get in the hot tub without at least 2-3 drinks. Unfortunately, we have no activities we can enjoy without her wanting to pack a cooler. And if she does refrain from drinking during these activities, she acts depressed or angry.
Last weekend, we did go to the lake. And she did drink. I admit, I did, too. And our emotions got the best of us. I twice told her what I've been too much of a coward to tell her previously....that I'm done being hurt. She baited me into saying our marriage was a mistake (basically, she said our marriage was a mistake, and I wholeheartedly agreed ) and I finished the conversation with "you aren't worth the heartache any longer". The next day we had a civil conversation about our heated argument, and I admitted my feelings were true. She admits her feelings were not true, and she was being manipulate.
I feel guilt and shame for not loving her. But the honest truth is, she disgusts me. How do two people get to this point? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
COMMUNITY LEADER
May God be with you as you make very difficult but necessary decisions to move forward with developing a sane life...and for a better life for your children as well.Please keep us posted!
When you repeat a mistake, it's no longer a mistake; it's a decision.
I've made the decision for 17 years to stay with and deal with a spouse with a drinking problem; a spouse whom I believe has always been faithful, but a spouse who becomes belligerent and out of control when drinking. I've begged and pleaded for her to stop, or at least try to moderate this problem. I ask her to stop for the sake of our children. I ask her to stop for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. I ask her to stop for her health. This action makes me a control freak in her eyes.
For 17 years, she's promised to stop. To change. To make better decisions. For 17 years, she's lied. For 17 years, I've baby sat. I've cleaned up her vomit. I've cleaned up her mess. I've dealt with the embarrassment of friends laughing at "the drunk girl".
I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I love my children dearly. I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I don't want to lose all I've worked so hard to gain and achieve.
The heartache and agony of watching someone you love destroy herself has hardened me to a point where I feel nothing for her. Sure, I do care for her and love her, but I don't LOVE HER. I haven't for a very long time. At this point, I don't think that love can be regained.
Since I've repeated this mistake over an over and over, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to perpetuate. I've made this decision.
Now, I must make the decision to change.
The original post is nearly a photocopy of my life. I find myself embarrassed and angry with my wife for her repeated lies, promises and failures.
I'm now trying to find the courage to move on from this marriage. I can't imagine all the pieces that I'll need to pick up. It seems impossible....but I must try,. I can't stand the thought of hurting her like this. Although, we've both said it. We have openly admitted neither of us are happy. I want her to be happy, but I don't think she ever will be....not until she admits she has a problem and does something about it.
I fear most for my daughter (11 years old), who sees my wife's problem and comes to me when mommy has had too much to drink. An 11 year old shouldn't have to deal with this, nor should she have to deal with the arguments.
Best of luck to you all and God Bless.
I've made the decision for 17 years to stay with and deal with a spouse with a drinking problem; a spouse whom I believe has always been faithful, but a spouse who becomes belligerent and out of control when drinking. I've begged and pleaded for her to stop, or at least try to moderate this problem. I ask her to stop for the sake of our children. I ask her to stop for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. I ask her to stop for her health. This action makes me a control freak in her eyes.
For 17 years, she's promised to stop. To change. To make better decisions. For 17 years, she's lied. For 17 years, I've baby sat. I've cleaned up her vomit. I've cleaned up her mess. I've dealt with the embarrassment of friends laughing at "the drunk girl".
I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I love my children dearly. I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I don't want to lose all I've worked so hard to gain and achieve.
The heartache and agony of watching someone you love destroy herself has hardened me to a point where I feel nothing for her. Sure, I do care for her and love her, but I don't LOVE HER. I haven't for a very long time. At this point, I don't think that love can be regained.
Since I've repeated this mistake over an over and over, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to perpetuate. I've made this decision.
Now, I must make the decision to change.
The original post is nearly a photocopy of my life. I find myself embarrassed and angry with my wife for her repeated lies, promises and failures.
I'm now trying to find the courage to move on from this marriage. I can't imagine all the pieces that I'll need to pick up. It seems impossible....but I must try,. I can't stand the thought of hurting her like this. Although, we've both said it. We have openly admitted neither of us are happy. I want her to be happy, but I don't think she ever will be....not until she admits she has a problem and does something about it.
I fear most for my daughter (11 years old), who sees my wife's problem and comes to me when mommy has had too much to drink. An 11 year old shouldn't have to deal with this, nor should she have to deal with the arguments.
Best of luck to you all and God Bless.
1 Comments
That is exactly my situation and has been for the most recent 20 years. We have been married for 41 years yesterday and I am the general "help" around the house. I do all the cooking and there are times she goes to bed drunk and not eat what I have prepared. How does one go about changeing this non-life cos I cannot go on like this. We have spoken and fought about it but it carries on. I am hurting, I am hating and I am angry with her but also myself. Do I share responsibility for this situation ? Help please....
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