Can I stop drinking?

[Servo]

I am 66 years old, an attorney in public service and am addicted to "manhattans", which I started to drink when I ws in the Air Force in 1966. My father was an alcoholic who died at 51. Since my mother worked cleaning offices at night, he would take out his whisky bottle each night and drink himself to sleep.   My wife and I have been in a horrible relationship for over 30 years.  We haven't had sexual relations for over 10 years and, before that it was sporadic.  My wife, who is five years older than me, reluctantly told me her real age a week before we were married.  She was 39 and lived all her life with her mother.  She was still a virgin and got married only because her mother told her she should.  Her father would go to sleep and her mother would watch TV on the couch until she fell asleep.  My wife does the same thing.  I tried to take her to marriage counselling twice but each time she said that I was the one with a problem, not her and that I should solve my problem on my own.  She is the same way about my drinking.  It's my problem, and I have to solve it.

I have tried on 3 occasions to be sober.  The most recent was the longest.  It lasted one year - 2007.  This was alos the first time I tried AA.  I wanted to stay sober because I began seeing a very nice Haitian woman, who was trying to bring her husband here form Haiti.  I enjoyed her company more than my "manhattans".  It took over a year for her husband to come to the US and, when he came, my reason for being sober no longer existed.  I would attend AA meetings andd this woman would occasionally join me at the meetings.  I tried two different groups but I could not relate.  Most of the people at the meetings appeared to have been "social" drinkers - those who would gather at a bar to drink and socialize.  I was always a private drinker; I did not hang out in taverns and I am not a socializer.  I'd rather be alone.  On two occasions I asked an AA attendee if he would like to be my sponsor.  Both said "yes" but I never heard from them again.  

I don't drink during the day.  I start drinking when I come home from work.  It relaxes me and allows me to face the boring night ahead.  I also believe it's better to drink alcohol than take anxiety medication, although now I am taking Buspar. On weekends or days off I chain smoke a pipe until around 5PM when I start drinking.  I drink only until dinner is ready.  When dinner is late, usually once a week, I may have had four or five drinks and go to bed without eating.

I used to get panic attacks and went to a psychiatrist about 15 years ago, but he was no help.  I can't "move out" of our condo because of financial reasons.  And at my age, I find it almost impossible to meet another woman who may give me the encouragement to stop drinking.  The one good thing my has has done, was that she is into physical fitness and I have been going to the health club or jogging since we've been married.

Any suggestions or comments?  Thank you.      

[boogieman]

hi. that's another powerful tool---writing. it seems when we write out are thoughts as well as when we discuss them with others, the problems become more manageable and the solutions become more apparent. glad you're going to give aa another chance and let me know how it goes or if you have any concerns----this is what helps me stay sober! best wishes,   gm

[Servo]

Thank you for being concerned.  Just writing out my problems gave me a chance to deep more fully on the issues involved. I find your suggestions very appropriate and I will try them, including going back to aa, but at another location.  Please contact me if I can offer you any consolation, as you offered to me.

Servo

[boogieman]

hello and welcome to the forum. i did many of the same things in my attempts to get sober. i did a lot of my drinking alone, and also watched my father die from it when he was 52. it wasn't until i began to apply the principles of aa that i was able to stop drinking for more than a few months. and even then, i still learned some hard lessons and drank again. when i stopped drinking, it was like giving up my source of strength and motivation, leaving me with the emptiness that is understood completely by alcoholics like me, but confounding to those who haven't been there. as long as i've struggled with alcohol, one thing i was always told was to not make any major decisions during the first year of sobriety----especially becoming involved in any romantic relationships. i had to find out for myself (as it sounds like you have as well) that the reason behind this is until we have a firm foundation to our sobriety, we are extremely vulnerable emotionally. and i tried to fill that emptiness with the euphoria and carefree abandon that is so often mistaken for love. i did it more than once. and each and every time i found that my individual progress in recovery became secondary to trying to please this new object of affection. as a result, i just got sicker and when the relationships ultimately ended, i had nothing else to fall back on, and once again i returned to the bottle to minimize the pain. i have found that i can't begin to care for another woman until i have started to care for myself by applying the principles of aa. for that matter, i am selling myself short in all areas by not focusing on myself long enough to realize how sick i've become and how to get better. alcoholics aren't bad people trying to be good, they're sick and trying to get well. and the only thing that has worked for me has been aa----and i tried going to therapy, church, using other drugs, etc. over the years to get what little bit of recovery i have now. i also an seeing a medical professional on a regular basis as i have other issues such as depression and anxiety disorders, but aa has helped the most. if it worked for you before it can work again. find another alcoholic who has been able to stay sober, works the steps, and practices the principles of aa in their everyday lives, and take his suggestions. these suggestions are often akin to the recommendation to a skydiver to deploy their parachute before they hit the ground. don't worry about the differences in others experiences, you will eventually find that there are many who seem to have only begun to suffer, and many who have come closer than you to losing their freedom and their lives. try to identify the things common to all who have a problem with alcohol, but stay closer to those who have begun to solve it. also, there is something your wife can do---attend al-anon. this will help her to understand your dilemma and open the lines of communication so you can both heal---whether or not you stay together, it will make things smoother if you both take action. and be careful mixing the buspar and the booze---a lot of folks have "accidentally" died that way. hope this helps and take care---gm