how to stop my husband from yelling at me?

[snowchild16]

My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married for 4 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We are both working professionals. Ever since I have been pregnant, my husband has been yelling at me when he gets stressed out by any situation. If my alarm clock went off and I didn't turn it off quickly enough he would scream at me "TURN OFF THE F****ING THING". When our son was little and woke up at night to feed, he would scream at me if I didn't wake up quickly enough. When our son was sick and had a high temperature, he started screaming at me. Recently he got fired from his job, because he screamed at the HR. This morning our car's battery died and he started screaming at me. My reaction varies between complete confusion, to panic, to sometimes screaming back at him. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. After each screaming episode he would not talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened and be overly nice to me. If I dare to bring it up with him, he gets mad at me again. For the past 7 months he has slowly stopped socializing with all our friends, he does not like us going to our friend's place or going anywhere. I'm from another country and don't have any family here. When after one of his screaming episodes I threatened to leave him he said he would take my son away from me. I feel really isolated and depressed. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity on this roller coaster ride.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.

[zackemily]

Hello
I read many posts on anger issues but I can definitely relate to yours.How are you and your husband doing? I feel your pain . I have been married 21 years. My husband has anger management issues too.  I never what is going to set him off. He yells (never physical) and says horrible things and then he says I am sorry the next day like nothing happened and when I confront him and try to talk to him , he says he will work on trying to control it but refuses to get help. I am sooo upset that at times my two teenagers witness his horrible temper tantrums.  I dont want to leave him for economic issues either. Everyone in the outside world, thinks he is the greatest guy , even my family.I am so ashamed of his his behavior and embarrassed. His father has a horrible temper but my husband always promised me he would never be like him.    .

[P_cakes]

I would say get out the relationship like many people but many dont realize that its not that easy.....You have to woman up!! And make him change one way or another. Dont show weakness around him, hou have the pants of the family not him. Women raise kids, keep at straight home, we care for everyone at home even pets. We are the number one thing man should value as a wife, as a mother, and a provider or love and care. Try and try again to change him, if it gets worst and he shows no interest then its his loss, believe me....as time goes by he will hurt more than you will ever because at least you did something for the good of your family. We WOMEN are so strong emotionally, physically, and psycologically but many times we are blinded because of what culture portray us to be.

[lost2015]

I just found this article and I am going through the same thing with my husband yelling at me all the time for such small things. It is usually every few months that things will get bad to where we don't speak for a days. I don't know what to do. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

[traci68]

Hello. Did things get better?

[righttimeandplace]

Wow, I just saw your thread began in 2010.  I wonder if you are still alive.  

[righttimeandplace]

He seems to be a classic abuser. Symptoms of a domestic abuser contain the following:  demanding, yelling, treating your wife like a slave, unrealistic expectations (demanding that she turn off the alarm clock immediately, isolation from family and friends so no one will hear her scream or see the bruises she will likely soon incur.  Abusers do this for power and control.  They begin usually by being charming.  After married or living with their loved one they usually begin to be verbally abusive with put downs and yelling.  Then if this is not sufficient to obtain power and control physical abuse occurs including threats to her life.  From what she says, he hasn't got to the physical stage yet.  If she can get him help and he will accept help now, it may not get to that.  He needs to get therapy specifically for Domestic Abusers (this can be emotional abuse as well) as anger management is not about power and control, Domestic Abuse is.  

[righttimeandplace]

Snowchild, unfortunately your husband is becoming an abuser.  They start out charming.  Then they become verbally abusive.  They will isolate you from family and friends, which you said he is now doing.  It becomes worse during pregnancy.  And you have said it began then.  The next step for an abuser is to become violent with you to obtain power and control over you.  He will then feel guilt and shame, but still blame you.  The honeymoon part of the cycle will then occur wherein he will be kind to you.  Then when he feels out of control again, he will attempt to control you by yelling, swearing, breaking your things and eventually physically harming you. Make sure you keep none of this from your family and friends.  He needs to know that everyone will know if he harms you as he should not be trying to control you.  If he physically harms you, call the police.  Go to the hospital.  Make sure they take photographs of any bruises.  He will go to jail and while he is in jail you will be able to request of the judge classes for Domestic Violence for him.  These classes have been shown to be 80% effective.  They are more effective if there are not other influences such as drugs and alcohol involved.  A Protection from Abuse order should be in place while he is taking the classes.  Your life is most at risk if you break up with him.  The classes should be in place to let him know you are not being silent, that he needs to be accountable, and that other men know what he is doing.  After he has taken the classes for awhile, you will decide if you want to risk your life or not to take him back.  If you do take him back, tell him if he is attempting to have power and control over you again.  He will need to stop or if he harms you, he will go right back to jail.  This time for much longer, after which you should not take him back and get another protection order.  At this point, you should seriously consider not taking him back.  He has shown that he cannot reform through classes and chooses to abuse.  You can choose not to take it.  Unfortunately, as you two have a child together, he will always have parental visitation and you will always have to have custody exchanges.  You may wish to pay a family based therapy to have custody sessions supervised there with a judge's order.  I'm not foreseeing your future.  I'm telling you the patter that most abuser's exhibit.  Your best bet is to get him to the group now.  If he won't go and you don't want to leave him, you will have to wait until the physical abuse begins.  And based on his pattern of behaviors, I can almost guarantee you, that is the next step for power and control over you.  

[Kelvi]

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