Aa
Ruining my life someone PLEASE HELP AND RESPOND
I am very anxious about this, it is taking over my life. I have an anxiety disorder with OCD. When I was about 13-15 years old my cousins were over, my female cousin was about 8 or so yeras old at the time, there is an age difference at the time I worry cuz I was a teen and she was alot younger than me. and one time I was undressing in my bedroom with a pillow covering me but "moved it" and it showed part of my breast and she laughed and pointed. Why did I do that to see how curious she would be because she was a female too and would someday be like me, why did I do it? AM I sick? Another time we would play, I liked playing the tickling game and would get "turned on" when she or another female cousin would tickle me and I would masturbate after...I am mortified does this mean I am sexually dangerous? I posted on this board before under another name more than a year ago and someone wrote I was not a criminal or dangerous that is just what pre-teens do and that I should go to therapy for it if it was bothering me that much.
Then another time I was babysitting, a bit older this time and I was in the bathroom, I told the kids jokingly not to come inside like a hint to almost do so but I felt as though I wanted them to come in to get curious cuz I was older and mature, same with keeping tampons in my purse seeing if they would open and look in. then AGAIN I feel like a grossed out monster. The little girl I was babysitting for and I were sitting on her bed and I was leaning reading her wall calendar and the small of my back was showing along with my underwear, I knew it was but didn't do anything I wanted to see her reaction since I was a bit self conscious cuz on the small of my back I had hair there, (weird I know see I told you this post is strange) I wanted to see if she would look and laugh cuz I was always so self conscious as a teen and still am. Sometimes it seemed as though I had my bra straps shown and knew did it deliberate to see if she was curious.
Then another time I was babysitting, a bit older this time and I was in the bathroom, I told the kids jokingly not to come inside like a hint to almost do so but I felt as though I wanted them to come in to get curious cuz I was older and mature, same with keeping tampons in my purse seeing if they would open and look in. then AGAIN I feel like a grossed out monster. The little girl I was babysitting for and I were sitting on her bed and I was leaning reading her wall calendar and the small of my back was showing along with my underwear, I knew it was but didn't do anything I wanted to see her reaction since I was a bit self conscious cuz on the small of my back I had hair there, (weird I know see I told you this post is strange) I wanted to see if she would look and laugh cuz I was always so self conscious as a teen and still am. Sometimes it seemed as though I had my bra straps shown and knew did it deliberate to see if she was curious.
Hi
You are stressing over something in the past, when you were a teenager and you have left that behind. You have to let it go somehow and if you cant then go for professional help. You are hanging onto this memory and putting it under the magnifying glass. I be many teens have had experiences like this and I certainly remember things and i am a straight mother now with my own girls and a boy and i have grown up.
Somehow you are dweliing on these memories and that is really the problem
You are stressing over something in the past, when you were a teenager and you have left that behind. You have to let it go somehow and if you cant then go for professional help. You are hanging onto this memory and putting it under the magnifying glass. I be many teens have had experiences like this and I certainly remember things and i am a straight mother now with my own girls and a boy and i have grown up.
Somehow you are dweliing on these memories and that is really the problem
Sweety you won't. Your to aware of it, this is how your anxiety/ OCD wants you to think. My freind suffers the same as you the fear. She has 2 kids and she has never acted out her thoughts, she seeked help on the right meds and counciler you can too. Difference is though her kids are with her all the time except when she is at work.
Anxiety/OCD is all about irrational thoughts, and wanting you to fear the worst, but the worst won't happen cus your in control!!
And post as much as you want it's a public forum and many people o am sure have the same thoughts as u.
Anxiety/OCD is all about irrational thoughts, and wanting you to fear the worst, but the worst won't happen cus your in control!!
And post as much as you want it's a public forum and many people o am sure have the same thoughts as u.
I'm sorry if what I've written has caused you to panic, it was not my intent, I promise you that.
You are NOT a bad person...............but I believe your "OCD thinking" is convincing you that you are!
Take for example what you wrote in your last post:
"It feels all too real to me like what if I took their hand while they were tickling me and did something sexual........"
The most telling two words in that sentence are "WHAT IF." That is classic OCD thinking and THAT is the thinking that is pushing you over the edge today.
You tell us you are now 24 years old, so these "incidences" you've told us about
happened 9 YEARS ago! Please don't tell me you've been living with all these "what if" thoughts all that time!
There are many questions I would like to ask you, but as Julie has pointed out, nobody on this forum is going to be able to "fix" whatever is going on inside you. We are not psychiatrists/therapists and THAT is who you need to be talking to.
We can offer you support and reassurance that whatever IS happening with you CAN
be "fixed, controlled or treated" with the right therapy. You CAN regain control of your thinking and stop living in this hell your mind has created for you.
Why do you feel that therapy will not work for you? Have you tried before with no results? If so, I would suggest that you had the wrong therapist. Sometimes we must search far and wide for the ONE therapist who can help us. It CAN be a long, frustrating and arduous process to find the best therapist fou us personally. But to settle for the wrong one will get you nowhere. We must have absolute trust in our therapist, we must feel totally comfortable and relaxed with them and it defenitely helps if we actually "like" the person. Unfortunately so many people will go to a therapist and after two or three sessions KNOW they don't feel comfortable with this person, don't feel their trust growing or their level of confidence in this person has not increased, so instead of being honest and telling the therapist the relationship is not working for them, they quit therapy altoghether and claim it doesn't work. Therapist and psychiatrists are trained to understand that they may not be everybodies "cup of tea" and will not be angry or hurt if you tell them you don't feel it's working out. You should also never be embarrassed to tell them this. To stay with a therapist you have no conficence in or just plain don't like is totally conterproductive, a waste of everybodies time and your money. Your therapy will go nowhere. Honesty is the best polocy here and a good therapist/psychiatrist will accept your decison and refer you to someone else. If you feel you can't say that face to face, a letter stating that you feel someone else may be a better "fit" and that you are ending your sessions will also work. The next therapist may not be the right one either..........which is why I told you this process can be arduous, but worth it in the long haul when you do finally find the one who is right.
I'm sorry that I went off on such a tangent about therapists, but I am speaking from my own experience and that of many people I know. And I wanted to convey to you how very important it is to find the one YOU are comfortable with.............because this is all about YOU, not them.
I am glad to hear that you will be seeing your doctor soon and again as Julie pointed out, you do not need to go into detail about why you are asking for a referral to a therapist. What she wrote is ALL your doctor needs to know. The details are really none of his business as he is not the one who can help you..........aside from offering a referral.
Left untreated, OCD can destroy your life and I fear, to a point, it has already done that to you. As I said, there IS help out there .........but it is now up to YOU to be pro-active in your own mental health. While I may have seen some red flags in your post, I also see a great deal of hope. You reached out to us because you feel you need help................this shows your intelligence and desire to get yourself "well" and you need to be very proud of that kind of self-awareness. You just need to take it to the next level and we'll be here to help you every step of the way.
You are NOT a "monster," you are a young woman with a disorder that afflicts millions of people and there is a way out.
You may also want to read some posts on the OCD Forum here. I think reading some success stories right now would be very beneficial for you.
Seek the help you need and you'll beat this demon.
Get your life back!
Peace
Greenlydia
You are NOT a bad person...............but I believe your "OCD thinking" is convincing you that you are!
Take for example what you wrote in your last post:
"It feels all too real to me like what if I took their hand while they were tickling me and did something sexual........"
The most telling two words in that sentence are "WHAT IF." That is classic OCD thinking and THAT is the thinking that is pushing you over the edge today.
You tell us you are now 24 years old, so these "incidences" you've told us about
happened 9 YEARS ago! Please don't tell me you've been living with all these "what if" thoughts all that time!
There are many questions I would like to ask you, but as Julie has pointed out, nobody on this forum is going to be able to "fix" whatever is going on inside you. We are not psychiatrists/therapists and THAT is who you need to be talking to.
We can offer you support and reassurance that whatever IS happening with you CAN
be "fixed, controlled or treated" with the right therapy. You CAN regain control of your thinking and stop living in this hell your mind has created for you.
Why do you feel that therapy will not work for you? Have you tried before with no results? If so, I would suggest that you had the wrong therapist. Sometimes we must search far and wide for the ONE therapist who can help us. It CAN be a long, frustrating and arduous process to find the best therapist fou us personally. But to settle for the wrong one will get you nowhere. We must have absolute trust in our therapist, we must feel totally comfortable and relaxed with them and it defenitely helps if we actually "like" the person. Unfortunately so many people will go to a therapist and after two or three sessions KNOW they don't feel comfortable with this person, don't feel their trust growing or their level of confidence in this person has not increased, so instead of being honest and telling the therapist the relationship is not working for them, they quit therapy altoghether and claim it doesn't work. Therapist and psychiatrists are trained to understand that they may not be everybodies "cup of tea" and will not be angry or hurt if you tell them you don't feel it's working out. You should also never be embarrassed to tell them this. To stay with a therapist you have no conficence in or just plain don't like is totally conterproductive, a waste of everybodies time and your money. Your therapy will go nowhere. Honesty is the best polocy here and a good therapist/psychiatrist will accept your decison and refer you to someone else. If you feel you can't say that face to face, a letter stating that you feel someone else may be a better "fit" and that you are ending your sessions will also work. The next therapist may not be the right one either..........which is why I told you this process can be arduous, but worth it in the long haul when you do finally find the one who is right.
I'm sorry that I went off on such a tangent about therapists, but I am speaking from my own experience and that of many people I know. And I wanted to convey to you how very important it is to find the one YOU are comfortable with.............because this is all about YOU, not them.
I am glad to hear that you will be seeing your doctor soon and again as Julie pointed out, you do not need to go into detail about why you are asking for a referral to a therapist. What she wrote is ALL your doctor needs to know. The details are really none of his business as he is not the one who can help you..........aside from offering a referral.
Left untreated, OCD can destroy your life and I fear, to a point, it has already done that to you. As I said, there IS help out there .........but it is now up to YOU to be pro-active in your own mental health. While I may have seen some red flags in your post, I also see a great deal of hope. You reached out to us because you feel you need help................this shows your intelligence and desire to get yourself "well" and you need to be very proud of that kind of self-awareness. You just need to take it to the next level and we'll be here to help you every step of the way.
You are NOT a "monster," you are a young woman with a disorder that afflicts millions of people and there is a way out.
You may also want to read some posts on the OCD Forum here. I think reading some success stories right now would be very beneficial for you.
Seek the help you need and you'll beat this demon.
Get your life back!
Peace
Greenlydia
It feels all too real to me like what if I took their hand while they were tickling me and did something sexual or jokingly pushed them away. the OCD is making it feel all too real.
I just panicked when I saw what she wrote and yes I probably took it the wrong way but nothing is helping. I know nobody on here can fix it. I see my doc Tues but I feel as though therapy wont work. Thank you though for all your support, it means alot to me and like you had said I know it wont go away on it's on by posting on here but it sure means alot when people are out there willing to listen.
Kris, why not first thing Monday morning don't you go and make an appointment with your doctor and then make sure you attend the appointment and ask for a referal to a therapist......I don't think you will need to go into detail of why you are having problems with your doc, just tell him/her enough to get the referral, like you are experincing extreme anxiety and your OCD is unmanagable and your not coping, you need help and someone to talk to...... that should do it. Then once you get to see the therapist then go into depth about what is bothering you.
This anit going to get resolved by people on this forum i'm sorry to say, you need professional help and from your last comment your very sensitive to what others say and now you feel even worse. Even though Lydia was not trying to say your a bad person in any way, she just expressed that this isn't normally the thoughts of a 15year old teenager and she did say she does not think your a child molester, so i would try to relax and calm your thoughts down. It just feels like its your OCD spiraling out of control to me.
Make the appointment hun, it will help you!!
This anit going to get resolved by people on this forum i'm sorry to say, you need professional help and from your last comment your very sensitive to what others say and now you feel even worse. Even though Lydia was not trying to say your a bad person in any way, she just expressed that this isn't normally the thoughts of a 15year old teenager and she did say she does not think your a child molester, so i would try to relax and calm your thoughts down. It just feels like its your OCD spiraling out of control to me.
Make the appointment hun, it will help you!!
Hi, I am 24. Since you said in your reply that my post raised some red flags I now am really scared that I am a bad person. Sorry I keep posting this, I;m just really afraid now and have nobody to talk to.
Nothing more i can say as the above posters have said it all..
Except, when you see a therapist they can not call the police on you unless they fear that a certain child is in danger... And then they have to discuss this in a meeting before they act! I know this because i did some training..
So Please dont worry about going to prison or anything, it is ocd, and you defo need help to control this before you may do something..
Except, when you see a therapist they can not call the police on you unless they fear that a certain child is in danger... And then they have to discuss this in a meeting before they act! I know this because i did some training..
So Please dont worry about going to prison or anything, it is ocd, and you defo need help to control this before you may do something..
While I do agree, to a certain point, with what mammo says........"teens do crazy things, nobody got hurt, you recognize that the behavior wasn't appropriate...." the fact that you were around 15 at the time does send up some red flags to me. At 15 your interest should not be in how little girls are going to react to seeing your breast or your bra straps or your tampons or kind of hoping they'll come into the bathroom with you and playing "tickle games" with children should not sexually arouse you to want/need to masturbate afterwards.
Since you did not touch any of these children, I don't believe you are a child molester, but since they were all young girls, you may be having some sexual orientation questions. Or your OCD could be blowing everything out of proportion.
One thing you wrote stood out and I quote:
"I was always so self conscious as a teen and still am."
How old are you NOW?
This statement says to me that you are no longer a teenager, but these past actions are still bothering you enough to write to an Anxiety Forum.
If you are now in a healthy relationship with an age appropriate partner, or have been, and you do NOT fantasize about young children, but obsess about this part of your past, I'd say that your OCD is keeping you from moving forward and would strongly suggest therapy. Even if there are no fantasies, you sound very confused and I think your OCD should be evaluated by a qualified therapist. Sounds to me like it's not making your life very much fun.
There is help..........why not reach out for it?
Peace
Greenlydia
Since you did not touch any of these children, I don't believe you are a child molester, but since they were all young girls, you may be having some sexual orientation questions. Or your OCD could be blowing everything out of proportion.
One thing you wrote stood out and I quote:
"I was always so self conscious as a teen and still am."
How old are you NOW?
This statement says to me that you are no longer a teenager, but these past actions are still bothering you enough to write to an Anxiety Forum.
If you are now in a healthy relationship with an age appropriate partner, or have been, and you do NOT fantasize about young children, but obsess about this part of your past, I'd say that your OCD is keeping you from moving forward and would strongly suggest therapy. Even if there are no fantasies, you sound very confused and I think your OCD should be evaluated by a qualified therapist. Sounds to me like it's not making your life very much fun.
There is help..........why not reach out for it?
Peace
Greenlydia
Hiya, i remember you posting this before, it wasn't quite a year ago roughly six months now. Anyway, i really think you need to go get counseling/therapy because this is oviously causing you alot of distress and it's making you ill. The last time you posted you had several comments of advice telling you the same as the comment above and that you should just put it in the past but for some reason you don't seem able. I can only gather that it's because of your OCD making you obsess about this issue that keeps you in this spiral of torment. Either that or you haven't told us something that is relevant to the issue that is making you ill. If you acted on any of your fantasties or feel like you will you need to get help ASAP, but i asked you this b4 and you said no you haven't so with this in mind to settle this obessing go get a therapist..........
If you've not done anything since, and you didn't touch the girls in any way, I would try to just forget it. Since you are female as they are, and nothing happened except in your head, I'm sure they weren't harmed in any way. Teens do crazy things, and fortunately nobody got hurt by this, and you recognize that it wasn't appropriate behavior. If you are still experiencing these fantasies, then that's a different story. But you can let the past go.
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