Is this anxiety or something else?

[KaylieAnya]

I am a 28 year old female and over the last 3 years I've been struggling with anxiety and depression. Frankly, it's probably been longer and I just never acknowledged it. It started with lower mood and lower energy and gradually got worse and worse until I was having panic attacks nearly every day that would last 3-5 hours easily, generally while at work, or thinking of work. Obviously that made it hard to do my job and I took a leave of absence. It's been 4 months and my panic attacks are fewer and further apart. Except when I think about going back to work and then I get terrified.

I am a high acheiver and have always been a bit of a workaholic. My performance has always been really good, I exceeded every one of my performance goals on my last performance evaluation, which is unusual at my company. I am not worried about my ability to perform the job functions. I am also not worried about backlash from having been gone for a few months.

I am currently taking bupropion and sertraline and undergoing CBT. All that to say, I still don't think I can go back to work.

When I talk with my psychologist, it all makes sense. I have to change my perspective, I shouldn't let my anxiety control me, I should take time for myself, etc etc. And I absolutely agree. But I literally can't. I feel like there's the me who understands these things, and there's my mind that I just can't control, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I have to fight a fight I can't win. Go on to the next battle, even though I can't win the war.

I can't seem to get the point across that it's not that I don't want to go back. I'm not just avoiding it, I literally can't. My mind won't let me. It's kinda like if someone told you to eat a bucket of worms. You'd be like, ew, that's disgusting why would I do that? Because you have to. But I don't want to. I'll pay you. Nothing in this world would make me want to do that. You have to, that's just the world we live in. I have a phobia of worms and I know that I just can't do it.

So, yes I certainly have some anxiety and depression. But is it more than that? My husband thinks I might have a form of OCD, but I see myself as more of a perfectionist than anything. I certainly wouldn't shy away from calling myself obsessive or compulsive, but I don't have rituals or anything like that, I just like things a certain way. Social anxiety, but I consider myself more introverted, private and reclusive than anxious in social situations. Agoraphobic, but I don't get the same feelings of dread when running errands or other public outings (though big crowds certainly make me uncomfortable.) Ergophobia? OCPD?

How do I fight it when I can't fight it?

[Paxiled]

This just shows you haven't absorbed the CBT training yet.  This is normal -- no form of therapy works all that great for any particular individual, and CBT takes an enormous amount of effort.  Attitude is everything.  I speak as someone who failed at it miserably.  But I encourage you to keep going at it.  When you say you literally can't, of course you know that's not true.  You literally can.  You know that because you've already done it.  Whether you really want to go back is another question that only you can answer, but if you do, then do it.  Don't avoid it.  That's the whole point of CBT -- facing, not avoiding.  I wish I had been better at it.  Don't worry about OCD -- the label isn't important.  Anxiety is anxiety.  It's all obsessive thinking.  You don't have rituals, so you don't have OCD, but if you did, CBT would approach it the same way -- you'd have to face it.  You're getting bogged down in the labels and they're only important for pharmaceutical company patents and insurance company reimbursement.  For you, if your current CBT isn't doing it for you, maybe you just need a different practitioner.  But if you want to, I'd definitely suggest you get back to work instead of sitting at home worrying all the time.

[Peaches100]

Hi
Have you heard the book / or/ audio called DARE ..?
Alongside you CBT this might help .
The audio is good , the author does the speaking as well and has personally suffered for years with anxiety .
I have been through a bad few years myself and know how difficult it is .
Good luck
Your not alone xx
Persevere with CBT it is a very useful tool