Another adult son heartbreak

[justme5588]

I've never posted to a forum so this, in itself, is difficult for me.  But, I have read many of your posts and you express much of what I'm feeling.  Background: I raised my son alone (with the help of my dear parents) until he was 10.  I married a man who had a 13-year old son.  It was a difficult and rocky double stepparent dynamic, but it eventually smoothed out and 22 years later, we are still together.  My stepson and I have a good relationship.  My son and his stepfather have a decent relationship, but they are both very headstrong.  My son, after many years of trying to find his place in this world, went to law school and is now an attorney in Chicago.  Issue:  My son is always the point of contention in family interactions.  There always seems to be a big blow up when our family gets together.  He now has a daughter -- my first grandchild born just 11 weeks ago. This Christmas, my husband and I took our grown children and their families to the beach.  On our second day there, my son got angry because two restaurants turned us away because they couldn't accommodate the number of people in our party.  So, he and his wife and I broke away from the group to find have breakfast on our own.  My daughter-in-law and I just laughed it off, but my son became angry.  Then he lashed out at me.  Then he left in a huff to return to Chicago.  He got angry with his stepbrother and my husband, and now doesn't want to speak to us.  This isn't new, however... just worse.  I fear that ultimately I will see less and less of him and the now I'll also not see the granddaughter.  When he gets into what appears to everyone else as an irrational state, no one can settle him or talk reason to him.  Even his wife (whom I dearly love) could not settle him.  Our whole family is thrown into turmoil when he does these things, but we can't understand it.  We can't talk with him, or reason with him, and afterwards, we're left feeling so broken.  When he gets into one of his irrational tirades, he dredges up his childhood and blames us for his anger.  He lives in Chicago and we live in Florida so we're naturally not around each other much.  But, we always stay in touch by phone, text, and emails.  We just can't be together physically because within a day or so, he gets irritated and angry at us.  I always feel guilty... that I didn't respond adequately, or there was surely something I could have done to assuage the tension.  Then it takes me months to feel human again.  It just hurts so much to feel so helpless.

[justme5588]

Thank you. I'll try your suggestion.

[mammo]

This is a very sad situation for all of you.  I definitely feel your son is harbouring some anger from his past and until that is addressed, he will not change.  If it were me, I'd write a letter to your son and ask him to talk to you (even if by mail) about what you and your husband could have done differently when he was a child.  Explain that even as adults we make mistakes and although you both felt you were doing what was best for him...you can accept that maybe you didn't.  Emphasize how much the two of you love him and how much you want to resolve any issues that are still bothering him. Tell him if he doesn't feel comfortable confiding in you at this point to please get into therapy for his own peace of mind.  Let him know that anger will eat him up inside and you don't want to see this.  He obviously wants a relationship with the two of you because he does attend family gatherings, but obviously something is eating at him.  Sometimes we don't know why we're so angry and we take it out on those closest to us, but he seems to be bothered by his childhood and now you have to let him know that it's imperative that he tell you what you and your husband did wrong.  Often, we feel we're doing everything right only to learn that it may not have been best for the child at the time.  Don't get angry at him, listen very carefully to what he has to say, and tell him you had no idea that your actions had impacted him this way.  Let him know how much you want to be grandparents and how much his daughter needs to have a loving family and you will do whatever is necessary for this to happen.  Since he has a lot of anger be prepared for his words and try not to defend everything you did.  Apologize..saying you would never have done anything to hurt him...you made a mistake and ask...how do we move forward as a family.  Sometimes I feel it's very important that our children (regardless of age) know we're not perfect and make mistakes.  This allows them to realize that although we're the parent, we're not perfect.  I think communication in any form is imperative right now.  Get him talking to you or a therapist, but he needs help with this before it impacts his daughter.  I hope this helps, I know how hurtful this is and how very much you want to be a family and enjoy your grandchild.  Take care.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. Ive learned to keep family communication at a minimum. If is one thing its another. Just try not to get involved as will add to the caos.