Daughter won't talk to me or my family!

[slc15]

When I was 18, my boyfriend and I had a daughter.
Things did not work out between us because he always cheated on me!
Through Family Court, he gave up all Legal Rights and was ordered "No Contact"!
I met my husband when my daughter was 5 years old.
After 3 years of dating, we got engaged and bought a house.,?l
The 3 of us lived in our house for 2 years.
Then we got married!
From day one, my husband cherished my daughter as his own!
The word "stepdaughter" was never spoken!
She was his daughter!
He over and cared for her and financially supported her our entire relationship!
My husband and I had a son together when my daughter was 11 years old.
We had a daughter when she was 13 years old.
My oldest didn't call my husband "Dad" until high school.
My husband paid for everything because I was a stay at home Mom.
Including Private School tuition for all three of the children.
My oldest daughter loved my husband.
He had taken care if her almost all of her life.
She said that he was her Daddy and when she marries someday, her Daddy would walk her down the Isle.
Jumping ahead, when my oldest daughter was 28 years, she accidentally met her biological father's sister.
Through this, she decided to meet her estranged biological father.
She did this secretly behind our backs.
After I don't even know how long, she finally told us.
I was devasted!
She had always told me that she never wanted anything to do with her biological father.
I never said anything bad about him, ever!
I had asked her if she ever wanted to know anything about him, that I would tell her.
She always insisted that she didn't want to know about him.
I told her how upset that I was and told her to choose.
Well, she moved out of our home and chose him and his family!
We did not speak for over 2 very long years.
It was killing me! I missed her so much!
I needed my daughter to be a part if my life.
So, with a few bumps in the road, we reunited and became very close.
She was very testy with me many times but I told her not to go there cause we were getting very close.
About 5 months ago, she shared her Ancestry Family Tree.
We both had been putting info together.
I was so upset to see that her tree showed her name under my name and unknown spouse, next to my husband's name and our 2 other children below.
On another page it actually had his name on the tree next to my name and my husband next to me.
I immediately showed my husband and we were both very upset!
My trees has my name next to my husband, with all 3 children under our names.
Well, I told her how upset that I was and insisted that she remove her biological father's name from the Family Tree.
She said that I was over reacting and that her biological father's name was not on the Tree.
She immediately got defensive, changed the structure if the tree by removing his info.
She also told me that she would block my access to view her tree and she did!
It remains that way, even today!
She told me that she needed to get her **** out of my house and that it the last we spoke.
Now, I am 50 years old and I am disabled with many different health issues.
We have not spoken now for 5 months,
It is eating me up inside not having a relationship or any contact with her!
Apparently, my family can do nothing right and her biological father and his family do nothing wrong.
How can she do this to me and my family?
What should I do?
I miss her so much but she has become a person I don't recognize or even know anymore.
She has been telling people all sorts of terrible things about me.
The difference was between me and her.
But she is not in contact with any if my family but she is in contact with her biological father/family.
She us causing me so much pain!
How could she do this again to me, her Mother?
I chose to keep her when I got pregnant at 17.
I have no regrets and I took full responsibility for being a good, loving Mother.
Of course I made many mistakes but I lived and breathed for her.
She was my life.
Now....I no longer have any contact with the daughter.that I have loved so much!
What should I do?? I miss her!! I know that she will never apologize to me!!

[Paxiled]

By the way, I emphasize acceptance because this is an anxiety forum.  Those of us with anxiety have a very hard time accepting things instead of judging them.  

[Paxiled]

Well of course she's choosing -- you forced her to make a choice.  You seem to me to be the one who needs to learn to accept others and to forgive and forget the past -- hard, I know.  But this family tree issue -- her biological father is part of her family tree,  Your husband is not.  Those trees are based on genetic heritage, and that means her ancestry is through her biological father.  This should be seen as a good thing for her, as she's proved willing to forgive his absence from her life.  If you just accept this, that you both have become important to her for reasons that go with her personality which is her own, not yours, and respect her curiosity, and stop making her feel she has to choose between the two of you but can have and should have both, I think time will heal this, as it did before.  Now I don't know the whole story, just what you printed here, but why isn't it okay for her to care about both of you?  I hope you both come to more acceptance, without pretending humans are very good at that.  Good luck.

[slc15]

That would be wonderful! Thanks againl

[birdie0907]

If you are on a budget you might get some help from a library. Perhaps reading other philosophies or self-help books may help. I will inbox you with one that helped me through anxiety.

[slc15]

I feel so betrayed as though she has chosen him over me.  I shouldn't let it affect me so much but I do.
I, now know that we weren't as close as I thought. I believe that she needed my help so she made me believe that we were really having a close relationship! Basically, she used me, yet again!
As far as what she has told others about me, I can and will hold my own! I don't  like the things she has said, but most of who she has told are not meaningful or influential people in my life.
I really appreciate you offering really sound advise!

[birdie0907]

I shouldn't say they aren't here to help you as I don't know them and it may be the case that they mistakenly think they are helping. You have to tell anyone you wish to keep connections with that you have no interest in what is being said about you though.

[birdie0907]

Her biological father doesn't live with you and has nothing to do with you, so try to accept that and forget he exists, like you forget the rude person in the aisle of the bus that you know you won't see again. Tell her you respect her choices, but request she not talk about him in your presence. If she won't comply, you have a lot of clues about how the pathway will lead, at least in the short term.

Ignore (and consider whether you should be cutting connections with) others who pass on what she is telling them about you or him - they are not here to help and are only interested in the gossip. I am not advising what to do with them - it is your decision, but don't allow yourself to become a stress information magnet. This means actively enforcing rules .to control the situation as much as you can, rather than passively listening to gossip.

[slc15]

I understand and agree with everything you have said. I was thinking the same things. You have been a big help!  
Where do I go from here? Do you think I should leave things as they are or try to talk to her? She knows that having a relationship with her biological father is causing me pain!

[birdie0907]

A key is here. "How could she do this again to me, her Mother? " She is 28 so way past the age of requiring you to explain right from wrong, yet chooses to hurt you. That doesn't mean it will always be that way so don't give up, but for now you have to accept that she is an adult who makes her own decisions irrespective of yours.

Another key is here. ""She was my life." That is how you view the relationship, however she has other ideas, so try to accept that you are powerless to stop her making a conscious decision to be ungrateful. "She has been telling people all sorts of terrible things about me."