Yearning to Date, VERY Nervous/Anxiety

[calmshell]

Hi I am a 30 year old woman who has had anxiety , worse in previous years, for the past 6 years. I had generalized anxiety over many issues, and one of them that has cropped up recently is dating. I have never dated /kissed, and I am currently talking to a wonderful man online. He wants to meet, and so do I.. we have STRONG feelings for each other, even love. However I have been INCREDIBLY nervous to meet because of my feelings of not being 'enough'... like 'who am "I" ? " that would be ENOUGH for a guy.. ? :(
I think it stems from a CONSTANT environment of being yelled at/criticized by my Manic mother everyday. I feel like men are 'more' almost.. maybe b/c they are , in some ways, more 'assertive/authoritative ' as my mother was, and I feel 'not good enough' :( I know I am funny, pretty Very kind, and warm. I know this man likes me for ME, but I'm trying so hard to not be sooo nervous to meet. I don't want to get 'spacey' in front of him, although I don't think I will. But I don't want to live like this anymore.. constantly on eggshells about Me , and what I am capable in , in love, and that I'm worth it.. because I have never felt I was. (I get nervous in ppl's cars too, so that added to it, me thinking of that in a relationship, although that is verysecondary. ) ANY tips or advice on how to increase my self  worth and improve my Being/not have anxiety,  so I can ever be with a man / date /kiss, is VERY much welcomed. Thank You so much for your time.

[remar]

You're very welcome. I understand what it's like to meet new people, let alone a possible boyfriend.
You have so much to offer. I can tell by your posts that you are a very kind sweet, caring person.
I'm glad you told him about your anxiety. Now he knows and I think he will be patient and understanding.
Thank you so much for the friend invite. It is already accepted.

[calmshell]

Thank you sooo much remar for your response. I TRULY appreciate this. I liked how you said, "I think you will be fine when the two of you meet" .. that REALLY helped me. I guess b/c I've never 'kissed' I was overthinking that, wondering if I'll think of that when we meet, and get heart palp, or get really nervous. But I think if I just meet him as the best friend role that he truly has been to me too, I can get calm, and just be laid back.. thinking of too many expectations of myself, or of 'where this might go' is what is holding me back:( Because I've never been in a relationship, I thought I'm inadequate.. 'what do I have to offer/know?' You know what  i mean? So I overthought that too:( I need to just live in NOW, and know that is all there ever will be, no meaning projected on 'where we will go' etc.. 'what this/that means.. ' etc. Just say hi, a couple laughs, and then see... I REALLLY want to get to meet him, and NOT be completely utterly nervous about it... I have to feel comforatable about ME first, and since I've had low self esteem, I never thought I was 'good' enough :(  
Thank you remar again, really. please message me sometime.. I would love to chat.. you have been really kind ... hope to talk soon :)

[remar]

He already knows about your anxiety and understands. If you feel anxious when the two of you meet let him know. Ask him to help you calm down. It helps sometimes to have a person talk calmly to you letting you know everything will be alright. With me, its' different. If I'm feeling very anxious or having a panic attack my husband knows exactly what to do. Don't talk to me at first, just hold me and let me get through it, then talk to me. I think you will be fine when the two of you meet.

[calmshell]

Hi Jrhoades,

I can't EXPRESS  how appreciative I am of your response and time. It made me feel quite better about this, for I have Never dated/kissed, and I'm 30 .. arghhh ..lol :(  I have been VERY VERY VERY nervous about meeting this man who is so kind to me, caring, and has even offered to help me out financially if I needed it (we have been talking 9 months, so are close now)...

I like how you said, think Rationally. I think that is a GREAT tip I need to remember. I think, "what if I start thinking of any 'role' I might be to him, as I meet him, and get 'spacey ' almost/nervous..?" I know I most likely will not, because I DO like him so much, and will try to get  a resolve, a razor sharp clearness in my mind beforehand. Its' just that I have never been anyone's girlfriend, so I felt because he has expressed so much love to me, even what he wants to do (hold hands, kiss me, cuddle) , I got nervous wondering "am I good enough for that?" , it is is silly, but true. Deep down, like I said, I know I'm warm, kind , Very patient, and caring.  I just was nervous about 'can I be someone's blank.. girlfriend, lover , etc. ' Saying it now it does sound silly.. because of course I can, but I didn't have any confidence in this, even with kissing. I am nervous if he did try (which I'm sure not on the First meeting, because he even said we can keep it carefree and light), but if he did, I might 'mess ' up somehow .. arghhhh.. I hate thinking like this, because it is making me feel down now.. I WANT to do this.. I know he has expressed he 'thought we would have met by now', but then said, I'd wait 5 years for you :)..

However a week later said, "I feel frustrated we haven't met yet, in a good way, I'm not mad.. it's just I like you So much, and am eager to see/meet you" .. I realize it has been more time than others online would have met... But, he did understand my anxiety, and said, I know, and I never want you to be nervous..which was very kind.
So thank you AGAIN for reminding me that I AM kind, funny, and caring. :) I just have to think I guess, whatever happens happens... I am nervous of rejection, of messing up, and just Being nervous in front of him. I am also nervous of future a bit, b/c I've nev er been 'that role', however any 'role' is just EGO, I know that. I get nervous too of how I don't go in ppl's cars , in the front b/c of a fear of speed, etc.. but I guess that should n't be a problem with a true friend I like.. I can meet up right ?:)
thank youSOOOOOOOOOOO much for you r response, it made me feel Much better :) I want to live life, not be so fearful anymore ... I hope to talk to u soon, and thanks again J, really. :) Send me a message if you have any Q's about anxiety or just want to chat as well... k ?  :)~calmshell

[jrhoades]

I have been through many good and bad relationships. The one thing I have always learnt is be yourself. The one thing to remember is that this man is not your mother and that he won't act like her. I know what it's like to have somebody emotionally abuse you and then you start to believe that about yourself. But you just stated on here that you know your funny, pretty, very kind, and warm. If you believe this about yourself then why worry? My belief has always been that it only matters on what you think of yourself. It should never matter on what anybody else thinks of you. Think about this for a minute. A woman verbally and emotionally abusing her male son. Would he truly feel any different about self-worth than you would just because as a male he is assertive/authoritative? The answer to this is no, he would be hurt just as much as you would by the abusive words. I've lived with anxiety for six years and I know that it is no fun. But I have learnt many strategies to get myself through the darker times. Even if you embarrass yourself in front of him (be rational) do you think he would truly stop wanting to see you? How do you know he won't laugh with you, or that he hasn't had an embarrassing moment like you have at sometime or other in his life? Thinking rationally about the situation is important, because with anxiety we tend to think irrationally. My suggestion would be to work on reminding yourself about the good qualities you do have. If it is true that it is only important on what you think of yourself (I strongly believe in this) then the thoughts toward yourself should outweigh what anybody else thinks. Take the time to remind yourself that you are pretty, smart, intelligent, warm, kind. This may sound crazy but remind yourself that you have no anxiety, you are healed. Even known you still do, it will help you to move on and live life a lot easier. Take time to remind yourself that other people around you are not your mom, and they will not all treat you like she did. Remind yourself of the rational truth, the real truth. Realize that even men, although considered dominant, are in just as much danger of being emotionally hurt, I have been there. Remind yourself of the truth, and practice rational thinking. I hope all turns out okay for you.