HIV Anxiety and Phobia

[Anxiousaboutkissing]

Hi Everyone,

Need some help, I have been on this forum for quite a while now. To begin with it all stated after my break up. it was a 8 year old relation ship which ended a while back. I took it fairly well, at least i think i did. following this i have had multiple occasions where i am convinced i have caught HIV. I had moved countries and the first time it came up when i had a recent pimple on my lower lip. A friend of mine at work jokingly said it was herpes. Something triggered a fear in my head and without even realising i never had a risk i went to my GP. He prescribed some ointment and said it was just a pimple. Still not convinced i started surfing the internet about STDs and there i was worrying about catching HIV. I never had a test done before this and i am a healthy person overall.

A few months after, i foolishly ventured into a massage parlour for a back massage not knowing the fact that most massage parlours offer other services as well. at the end of the massage the lady touched my genitals asking me if i wanted any extra services. I said 'NO' and then she kissed me on my lips. Freaked out about the whole situation i went to a GUM clinic and discussed the same. The health adviser told me it wast a risk but i could test for peace of mind. 82 days later i tested of all STDs including HIV and the result was negative. now that should have calmed me down but instead i started obsessing about not taking the test at 84 or 90 days.

I met a nice girl after this and we kinda hot it off, we got intimate ( we used protection) and the anxiety caught the best of me again. I started feeling that she might have infected me. I got her tested and then got myself tested 8 weeks after the incident. I have had 15 negative tests after the incident.

I was somehow dealing with the above incident when i again went to a strip club where a lady gave me a lap dance while i was fully clothed. I spoke to the the Local health care providers and also some of the leading HIV charities in the world (UK, Canada, USA) and also with at least 6 sexual health clinics in the UK, all of them say NO RISK and guess what my rational Mind also says NO RISK. but it feels as if there is another part of my brain which pops the what if scenarios (e.g what if some vaginal secretions/blood had to pass through my jeans and boxers during the lap dance and contact my urethra) which put me into panic mode. I completely go into my shell, i stop exercising, stop eating right, stop socialising and there are days where i stop going to work as well. I have gone through CBT for 3 months and any further would have a waiting list of 6 months.

I am 90% sure this is anxiety but my mind keeps doubting. I need some good advise on how to deal with this. I am fed up and tired of living ( not living rather) like this in constant fear. Please help me!

[moose94]

you might need an ssri I think you should stick with the cbt the first thing youll need to work on is trust then move on to the other stuff..

[Anxiousaboutkissing]

Thanks for the answer.. when you say trust, what exactly do you mean?