Ahhh, hon. That's a lot. First, I will just say mom to mom, losing a child in a custody battle (or in any way) must be so very painful. Our kids are just a part of us and if we can't be with them? Such pain. That's just such deep pain we never get over. And you've had other painful losses and they are recent. That you are sad, well. It would be natural given those circumstances. I lost my mom years ago. Will I ever fully be over that? I'm just not sure. It hurts less though. But the first year was so hard! AND, you've had a baby recently. Post postpartum is real! This very well could be going on. Are you still nursing (or maybe you never nursed, but that keeps hormone fluctuations going).
Sweetie, you need help. Really, sincerely. You have a baby to take care of and yourself too. You have to talk to your doctor about the depression and anxiety/panic. I'm just going to say that medication is a personal decision and nothing to enter in lightly, however, it can be a game changer. When I've taken it myself, it helped. When my started it in April for severe depression and suicidal ideation and extreme anxiety, it was a game changer. Then talk therapy is so beneficial. Do you have any insurance? So many therapists are practicing teletherapy right now which makes it so convenient. But you need support, hon.
I've had panic attacks and yes, I have felt like you describe too. Stay in touch. Let's keep talking, okay?
Is there a man connected with this recent child? Or are you in this alone? When you spiral as you're doing now, that's when medication is most helpful. It's more of a crutch when you're doing okay but just not as well as you'd like because drugs don't cure anything, or at least not yet, but therapy might. So don't let the drugs pacify you that everything's okay and let the therapy slip. And make sure your therapist specializes in the treatment of anxiety. You can waste a ton of time chatting if you don't see someone who understands anxiety needs action, not chat. As for your recent losses, that's grief, not anxiety or depression, but when they pile up as they have for you, you need help from whoever is in your life who won't run away. Time is the only thing that dulls that kind of pain, but I will ask, why did you lose custody? There's a story there that is probably part of what's going on with you given the incredible tilt toward keeping kids with the Mom. Again, when bad things pile up, sadness and grief can turn into depression much more readily, and that just makes your anxiety that much worse. By the way, chills are a common side effect of anxiety. Heart racing and all that actually isn't. It happens, but most people just think it is and after countless trips to the ER finding out nothing is actually going on they finally accept that. There are relaxation exercises that can make things easier -- yoga, meditation, abdominal breathing -- but if you're a single Mom you're going to have to find help so you can help yourself so you can be that great Mom. If I were to hear someone spiraling the way you are, I'd tell them to see not just a psychologist but a psychiatrist to talk meds, but as you're already on meds, it's possible they stopped working. That can happen at any time, but it can especially happen when an onslaught of bad stuff hits. I once had a med completely stop working when someone I loved broke up with me. Just completely stopped working. Meds are like that because they don't treat the illness, they only treat the symptoms. So whatever you do with meds, and the ones you're taking aren't working anymore, do get that therapy. And don't stop any of the meds abruptly -- they have to be tapered off of slowly until you successfully stop them. Just keep hanging in there until time puts some distance between you and the sadness you've experienced so you can focus again on the illness part of it. Peace.