PLEASE PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS!!!!

[khuneycu12]

Hi,
  I am a 21 year old nursing student. I used to be such a happy, cheerful, carefree person until I started clinicals in nursing school. Ever since I began to really learn about diseases, especially potentially life-threatening ones, I have started finding all these "symptoms" in myself that point to a horrible disease and I diagnose myself. It started with an abnormal pap smear result. I 100% convinced myself that I had cervical cancer and was going to die, even when my OB/GYN told me everything was going to be fine and I had no chance of getting cancer. Sure enough, after the colposcopy results, there were no significant changes and I am fine. No procedure even needed. Then, I 100% convinced myself that I had STDs, namely HIV because I had never been tested for it. I thought this even though I had been tested over 6 months post possible exposure, and the recommendations are that you conclusively do not have HIV after 3 months post exposure. I got tested for it 5 times before I was satisfied that I was in the clear.

Then, the day after I got my last negative results for HIV, there was an incident in my clinical in which I got a little bit of a patient's blood on my hands. All I know about the patient is that he was 67 years old and was in there for a CABG (open heart surgery) and some surgery on his leg which was not receiving blood flow to it. I didn't really think twice about it, just washed my hands within 15 seconds after it happened and went on with my day. Then I noticed I had a hangnail on my thumb and couldn't remember if the blood had been on or around it. I completely, 100% freaked out. I told my clinical instructor who told me she didn't think it would be considered an exposure and to get tested at 6 and 12 months, which made me absolutely sick to my stomach as I realized I was going to experience this horrible, horrible anxiety for 12 months until I could be sure I didn't have it. I talked to the charge nurse about the incident and she said I shouldn't worry. I also talked to his regular nurse and she also said she didn't think I should worry and that she thinks I'll be ok. I even went to the infection control nurse and she also thought I would be ok. However, she asked me if I washed my hands very, very thoroughly after it happened, and this set me into a complete whirlwind of panic as I couldn't remember just how thoroughly I had washed my hands. I started freaking out that I had put them in my mouth to chew on my nails or in my eyes. A couple days went by and I had absolutely zero sleep, i mean ZERO sleep. I was like a walking zombie. I finally completely broke down in a panic attack, convinced that I have HIV from this patient. I couldn't move, I couldn't function, all I could do was sit in a room and cry. Numbly cry with no feeling except absolute terror.

I finally called my mom, and she couldn't understand a word I was saying but became extremely worried and drove 4 hours to my college at 1 in the morning to get me. I put her and my dad through absolute hell that night. I vomited 3 times, was shaking uncontrollably, and nothing either of them said would console me. The next day Mom took me to an urgent care center, where the doctor there was incredible and sat me down and said he had worked with over 500 healthcare workers with exposures, a lot of them with exposures to confirmed HIV+ patients. He assured me not a single one of them ended up contracting HIV. He told me he thought I would absolutely be ok and that there was just no chance enough volume of blood could have gotten in my system to cause me to contract HIV. I had to receive three- THREE- shots of valium, two in my thighs and one in my arm, to finally stop my shaking. He also prescribed me Xanax and Lexapro which he ordered me to start taking immediately.

I left feeling a lot better for the first time in over a month, when this all started with my abnormal pap smear result. I actually ate some food for lunch and was able to somewhat converse with my mom. This feeling of relief lasted exactly one day. I was back to researching HIV on the internet, where I read it is possible to contract HIV from an exposure such as mine. Very rare, but possible. I completely freaked out again, my Xanax and Lexapro did nothing. I was still constantly shaking. I have completely convinced myself that I have HIV. I have been living with HIV for all this time even though I have nothing to prove it with. In my mind, I absolutely have it and I am going to die extremely soon. I will never get to be married or have kids as I have always dreamed.

I forgot to mention, during all this, my grades slipped tremendously. I have been in the top 5 in my nursing class since I started- all As. I have received scholarships for excellent grades and performance in clinical. I'm a top student, and I have been so proud of how much I've accomplished. Now, I have failed 3 tests in a row. I have never in my life failed a test. I am on probation in clinicals for having a panic attack and my professors do not think I have what it takes to be a nurse and that I can't handle the stress. Now I think they are right. I have jeopardized my career and my patients I was supposed to be taking care of. Everything in my life has been ruined.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn't handle me anymore. My parents are completely at a loss as to what to do. They have had me see 2 different psychiatrists, and both think I need to seek help at a mental health hospital because my meds do nothing for me. I have lost friends because I have completely pushed them away in all this, thinking they won't understand anything and afraid they will think I am crazy. My roommates don't talk to me anymore cause they finally got tired of trying to force me to talk to them so they could be there for me.

All I do is sit in my room, completely depressed because I think i have HIV and I am going to die. I really, really think I have it. My parents have had to stay with me for weeks now because they are afraid for my health, that I might try to hurt myself. I won't lie- I have had suicidal thoughts multiple times throughout all this because I can't stand the idea of trying to struggle through life being HIV+ and never being able to have a family or children.

I am a completely different person. No more homecoming queen in high school, no more elected Best All Around at my first college, no more top 5 in my entire nursing class. I'm not even sure I will pass this semester, which means I won't pass nursing school at all. I am lead singer in a band and I play guitar and piano- I quit the band. I haven't sang in almost 2 months. Singing used to be my passion- that and nursing. Now I hate both and can't stand the thought of being in a hospital, afraid of patients and contracting fatal illnesses. I am sick to my stomach every morning that I have to wake up and face another day of clinical in the hospital. What does it all matter if I have HIV and I am going to die anyway? Why try to do anything?

My life is gone and I'm not in control anymore. This fear is. Someone help me. I'm crying out- someone, anyone. HELP ME. I have never had the courage to tell anyone all I am going through, and here I can be anonymous and not worry what people will think of me because they do not know me. They don't what a different, happy person I was before all this. I'm reaching out and begging you all, please give me some comforting words. What has happened to me? Why am I experiencing all this when it never, ever happened to me before? My 22nd birthday is in 2 weeks and I could care less. I am done with the semester in 3 weeks and summer begins and I could care less. I want my life back. I can't stop crying, it really just helped me getting all this out. I know this is such a long post, but I have never before been able to talk about it. I need help, I need prayer. I don't know how much longer I can keep living like this.

[khuneycu12]

Thanks again for your comments, nursegirl. I have been feeling a lot more at ease about the whole blood scenario (although still worried), but now (about 5 weeks after exposure) I have a sore throat, slightly swollen lymph nodes in neck, a horrible headache that's lasted for days, and I don't sleep at night. I am so terrified this is ARS and I am seroconverting! As far as I know I do not have a fever, but my anxiety is starting all over again and I can already feel the panic attack coming on! I just don't know what to do! It's still way too soon to get tested and I am so, so scared that I somehow got HIV from this patient!! Please give my any words of advice if you can!!!

[maddie93]

i went to the mental hospital n i really didn't help me much it actually put ideas in my head
n im still wanting to do everything wat actually got me to stop was tht my mom cried wen
i OD the last time she didn't no wat to do she didn't take me back to the hospital but she
made me eat really burnt toast, n stayed up wit me all night... i hope everything works out
better for u than it did for me, u have so much going for u u'll be a great nurse but u need
to keep in mind tht things happen for a reason even if there so screwed up, theres a reason this will make u a better person some how. i lost friends wen i lost my mind n dropped school
went to home school stories popped up like how i was pregnant how i was a **** how i must
have wanted him tht it wasn't rape but n the long run it allowed me to c who my real friends were,
i still cry over the kid tho but its more than tht to me his dad changed my life forever
n if he cnt c it then he's nt the person i thought he was n its his loss... so plez plez
keep it n ur mind tht this will pass tht u have a gorgeous future as long as u let it come
keep ur head up dear, it'll end soon:) ----maddie

[phoenix888]

I know exactly what you are feeling. im 17 female and at the beginning of March I started Having panic attacks.  It came on so suddenly. I was just sitting in my APUSH class and i got this sudden pressure on my head and felt like I was going to pass out. that week passed and I went to the nurse three times. finally that friday it was so bad that I went to the ER and that is where they diagnosed me with anxiety. The doctor prescribed xanax but since im only 17 my mom didnt think that i should take it. since that first week ive only been to the nurse a couple of times but now its come back with a vengeance. and sice it wasn't anythign like it was the first time so now im convinced that I have something neurological going on. at first all i worried about is having an anyeurysm and that i  was going to die from it. but then after assessing my symptoms i have non of the risks for it. no high blood pressure, no high cholestorol and no family history so i felt better. but now i think something else is going in my head because today I got that intense pressure again and this time it came with numbness and tingling in my hands and feet. I hope its nothing serioius and im going to see a neurologist.  I really want to get over this. I wish you the best because it really sounds like you are just worrying to much. but then again your a nurse so i guess you know what your taking about. I wish you luck.

[khuneycu12]

To everyone that replied: I wrote that post as a last resort to get things off of my chest, and I am so surprised and shocked that you all actually took time out of your day to respond to me. I sat here and cried my eyes out while I read everyone's posts. You all have helped me so much just by being there for me; it means so much to me. I've been so upset because I realize, in the very, very far recesses of my mind, that my fears are irrational and that I am fine (physically) and yet I still panic and get freaked out. I didn't realize other people go through things like that every day.

I was starting to feel better about the whole stupid "blood risk" situation, was starting to be able to accept the fact that it just wasn't a risk and that I need to get over it and try to analyze my anxiety. I was having a pretty good day at clinical today. Then, as I was washing my hands with antibacterial foam, I noticed something stinging on my hand and looked down and saw a very small cut with a tiny amount of bleeding on my finger.  Instead of just washing my hands and going on about my day, I instantly thought that SOMEHOW I am going to get HIV from this simply because of the fact I have no idea how I cut my finger. It's like since I don't KNOW where the cut came from, I just think it has to be a huge risk for HIV. I absolutely hate myself because still, I know in the back of my mind this is a ridiculous assumption to make. I can read other people's posts on how they think they caught this or that from some ridiculous situation and I can laugh at it... but then when something like this happens to me, it's so serious and I honestly, truly think I have caught something. I know it's stemming from the fact of the unknown- I don't know how I got this cut. It's even a superficial cut, very small (like a pretty large papercut) and yet I have convinced myself it's an HIV risk.

I know I have to get this under control. You all helped me so much with your posts. I feel like as soon as I am able to somewhat conquer one fear (i.e. the patient whose blood got on me) I am on to the next fear (this cut out of nowhere). I KNOW I am being paranoid and ridiculous and yet I can't get it out of my head. "Well what if I am the one case in the world in which someone contracted HIV this way? What if I'm a rarity?"

What if, what if. It's hard for me to accept that life comes with no guarantees. And what I don't understand is where this all started. I never used to be like this and now I feel like I'm drowning in it. Nursegirl, you helped me so unbelievably much. You hit every point bang on the head of the nail. Your knowledge was a HUGE comfort to me and you are probably the first person that made me feel any reassurance at all. I can't tell you how thankful I am that you took the time to respond to me with that post. I cried the entire time I was reading it; thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

I want to go back to the psychiatrist and get some more serious help. I know that I can't keep doing this to myself and living my life this way. Even as I write down that I need help for anxiey/OCD or whatever this is, the thought of the little cut on my finger is creeping into the back of my brain. I have a huge exam tomorrow and just can't afford to let this be on my mind. I have already called my mom with my excessive worry and now she is worried to death all over again and wants to come be with me, but I won't let her. She has a job and her own life to keep up with and I can't keep depending on my mom to come to my rescue whenever I have a mental breakdown.

You all are a lifesaver to me. Again, thank you all so much for taking time to reply- it means the absolute world to me. For the first time in months, I feel just a little bit better. Maybe I will go take a walk outside or something instead of doing my usual panic mode and getting on the internet and researching HIV or whatever to assess my risk. I am so thankful to you all for not calling me crazy and offering me advice, comfort, and reassurance. It's such a great feeling.

Any more input from you all would be so, so, so, so appreciated. Thank you.

-K.

[nursegirl6572]

Wow, where to start!  First, take a DEEEEEP breath and read my post carefully.  Number one...you summed it all up in one short phrase:

"My life is gone and I'm not in control anymore. This fear is. "

You're absolutely right!  That's what happens. Panic causes a cycle of fear and panic that sometimes is very difficult to break. Difficult, but not impossible.  TRUST me when I say you will NOT always feel like this...I know you can't possibly believe that right now at this moment...but it is true.  I've been where you are.  I know it is a dark, dark and scary place.

First, like the poster above said....it's not at all unusual for a person to have their first onset of a panic at college.  While you may feel you were adjusting well and doing well, at some point, you just panicked.  That's one aspect that makes a panic attack so scary...the "out of the blue" feeling of it.  You have all your ducks in a row, everything is going great in life, then BAM!  You feel everything is in the pot in minutes.

You've already had many other health care professionals reassure you about the fact that your incident with the patient was no risk for HIV....it couldn't help to have one more.  So, I'm going to give it a whirl.....

Your incident posed absolutely NO risk to you for HIV...NONE, ZERO.  It would be impossible to get HIV from that scenario.  You mentioned that it is "rare".  No, not rare...IMPOSSIBLE.  Problem with searching the web is that there is SO much inaccurate info out there..and the more you search the more you scare yourself.  PLUS you have been taught about the disease.  I can remember my OWN schooling about HIV...guess what?  Much of it was misleading and fear-creating.  Much of it was not accurate.  It wasn't until I started working in the real world, working with HIV/AIDS patients on a daily basis, and learning from the best ID docs around what the TRUE facts are.  The fact is...HIV is a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY difficult disease to transmit. It requires a set of near perfect circumstances.  Even people with REAL risks don't always end up infected.  The truth is, the actual # of people who are HIV+ is much lower in comparison to the total population than most people think....but the media, and other venues exaggerate that tremendously in order to push prevention.  If I told you that 1 million people got hit with a meteor and died last month, you would be shocked and astounded, probably never leave your house.  If I told you that those 1 million people were out of 40 trillion people....it puts things into perspective.

There are basically only THREE ways one can contract HIV....unprotected anal or vaginal sex, iv druig abusers, and from mother to infant.  The "blood to blood" scenario has always been a "risk" that is not accurately portrayed, which is why lay people AND even health care professionals are so frightful of ANY situation that would involve a cut, scrape etc.  I know you learned about the risk of needle stick injuries. I was PETRIFIED of getting a needle stick due to what I was taught.  Even THAT does not genuinely pose a risk. The kinds ot sharps injuries in a health care work environment that would pose a risk for the "blood to blood" scenario would be a large traumatic wound with a LARGE volume of fresh blood. Think OR scalpel injury.  On my profile, you will find a journal called "HIV:The Facts".  Read it.  I think you will be amazed at the lack of knowledge you really have about HIV (that EVERYONE has about HIV).  Its a damn shame. Trust me when I tell you that you don't have HIV...no way no how.  I would take your blood TODAY for a transfusion for one of my children, that's how sure I am.

Also,so you know I'm not just blowing smoke...I spent a good bit of my career working with AIDS patients, and always worked to educate myself more and more. I've worked with fantastic ID docs who are experts in HIV...they helped dispell sooo many of those misconceptions that were bred from the beginning of the disease that we will NEVER be rid of, b/c in reality....agencies like the CDC will NEVER down play anything with HIV, simply b/c their goal is prevention...and a big part of that is fear.  Fear makes people take less chances..therefore the myths will continue to run rampant.  I also worked closely with our Infection Control/Employee Health Nurse dealing with exposures. Ive even been a part of several different needle injuries with known + patients, not ONE of the employees became infected.  Hopefully that helps to ease your mind a bit. I just cannot stress enough that this TRULY was a NO risk situation.  Testing isn't even needed, only if YOU would need it for peace of mind.

Now on to your anxiety/panic. You're in a more precarious position than most because your fear is something that you have to be exposed to day in and day out.  You've developed a severe health phobia, yet in order to continue down your successful career path, you have to spend every day learning about, and seeing these diseases first hand. It would be like a person with an earth shattering phobia of snakes training to be a snake handler. So, yes, you have some extra tricky challenges to overcome.  But it IS possible, and it is do-able.  You have to put a plan in place and work VERY hard to accomplish your goals.  For one, you have to keep working to find the right combo of meds that will start giving you some relief of your panic so you can function every day.  That takes a bit of trial and error for many people...and its frustrating, but again, totally possible.  You need to get some aggressive therapy and work at it.  You have to educate yourself about anxiety...read books....immerse yourself in the facts....become part of a forum like this where there are MANY of us who have been in your shoes.  Many of us who have overcome anxiety, many who are new to it, many who are still working at it.  It's not an easy process, and it requires time and patience and work.  You have to almost get angry AT the anxiety and say..."NO more...Im regaining control".  You DO have a lot riding on freeing yourself from anxiety, and while that puts the pressure on, its also a wonderful motivator.  

Another thing you need to do is sit down with the Dean of your Nursing School (or some faculty member who can help) and explain what's been going on.  There are options.  Even if you have to take a semester off while you start really tackling the panic...point is...there are options besides just failing.  And worst case scenario...if you SHOULD not pass a portion of your studies...again, there are avenues to take.  Plenty of people have had life crisis that required them to alter their path.  But, TALK to the staff. Let them help you.  Take control.

Ok, now that your eyes are probably bleeding...I think that's enough for now.  Please let us help you.  You are among people who not only know what you're going through, but also people who can guide you and help you...people who care.  You are NOT alone.  Soooo many people suffer with anxiety and panic and sooo many get through it.  Sometimes (most times) it is a lifelong struggle in that it reappers from time to time, even when you feel as though you're in full panic "remission".  But, getting the right help and finding the right treatment regimen from the start is what will help you cope when that happens.

You WILL regain control over the fear....

Hang in there!

[Rs33]

Well its a start that you found this place to talk there are soo many people in the same situation as you.....I know how you fel and it is a horrible feeling HORRIBLE! You want to know what I deal day to day basis (in the midst of seeking help) on a daily basis I live in panic I am in a dream like state 80%of the time I have been like this for almost 4 months now.... My husband had recently came home from over seas and this started b4 he came home but my fear is him dying or death in general I am scared of it I mean terrified...100% of the time I think I am dying of heart problems, Brain tumor o man the list goes on and I am scared that I will die or pass out have seizures o my gosh and when I go into panic mode I feel like I am gunna faint my body feels weak and heavy my limbs go numb including my head and my face I shake out of control I am sweaty I look pale my heart races out of control and its loud I get sick to my stomach...and I know its hard considering my husband can be gone nights at a time and I have a lil 11 month old lil girl....so all I can think about is that I am gunna die in my sleep or that I will pass out or have a seiuzure with her and whos gunna find her in time....anyways I just thought I should share this with you b/c your not alone were all out here dealing with the same thing, it can be very crippling, but you can and you will get through this :) it will not go away over night and it will take time but it will get better.....You should really talk to someone though you need the right help especially if you feel sucidual.  There is not much I can say to help you right now other than you are not alone!!! You need to start eating well and getting sleep though.....As I sit here I have head pains soo I think OMG I have a brain tumor and I am gunna die and then I think whats after death I don't want to die so hunny I just want to say you are not alone!! Get help no matter what it may be and don;t be scared to get it! Good luck and keep us updated sweety if you need anything else write back on here and ask as many questions as you need! :)

[cornflkgrl]

I don't want to add what you already think you have, but it sounds like you are experiencing symptoms of OCD.  The mediation you are taking -- Lexapro -- could actually be exacerbating these symptoms.  The HIV thing sounds more like a repetitive intrusive thought than an "anxiety" alone thing.  
You really should try to get back to a psychiatrist and see if you can get some therapy.

Panic attacks and severe depression took me out of college for several years, but I eventually went back.  You can get your life back.  You just need the right doctors and the right meds.

Honestly, I think if you would go into the hospital and get on the right medication (which requires adjustments that you need to be supervised for) you may find that you get better much faster.  I have been hospitalized many times before.  Most of them when I was younger.  I'm 30 now with 2 kids, a husband, a successful business, a car, a life...etc.
You can and will feel better!  I'm not saying that you will just be magically healed and forever happy, but you will be on your way to a happier life than what you are doing right now.  22 is still young.  

And it is not at all abnormal for mental health problems to surface at college.
I was happy, fine and trying to get into a sorority one week -- four weeks later I was hallucinating that my dead grandmother was coming after me, spending thousands of dollars on stuff I didn't need/want, getting pulled over by police for driving 110 because I thought they were bad people trying to get into my brain...etc. etc.  then plummeting into dispair.  My parents came and got me from college too and then checked me into a hospital where I was court-ordered to stay.  Looking back I am thankful.  I'd probably be dead now if they had not.

Try to keep your family and friends close.  Support is really important!

[maddie93]

i do it to right now im totally convinced i have an std, tht i cnt have kids...
u read the facts and they stick in ur head its a mental thing. one i gained weight ate a ton
n had cramps as if i were pregnant ut i wasn't it was jus because i read the symptom
but u cn always find a reason to have it and thts why ur mind thinks its true.
i have had sex wit 11 guys n its very possible for me to have a std but i didn't get the symptoms until i did a health paper on it. i wanna be a doctor, but i've OD alot so i dnt think i cn have babies because i haven't got pregnant yet... i believe im huge because i try
to wear clothes ik wnt fit, i dnt think guys like me so i give up on dressing nice n doing my hair
theres no one tht will judge u as much as you will, boys they come n go...
i have more than 43 scares down my arms i say more because i stopped counting after 43
i went to the mental hospital, i was raped my best friend in the world n my lover hates
me because his dad is n prison, because of me... sometimes i tel myself how he
didn't do it how i wanted it but the truth is i didn't i said no i cried n im the one who as to deal wit it. im 16 all my life i've wanted kids n to be a doctor now
im taking online classes tht i dnt get down, i've went weeks wit out food
because of my weight im 150, i puked for a month straight knowing how fuked up i could get,
pills seem to disappear wen i dnt want to take them stupid dumb *** guys told me to do stuff so i did, then they left.
altho i no im better wit out them i feel fat ugly worthless.
i was taking antidepressant but then i took the whole bottle...
im headed down a bad road n its all n my head, do something to get ur mind off it
listen to music play a board game wit friends/ family watch a movie
anything go take a walk it makes me feel better.
people come n go, guys come n go, but u'll only have one life one family
n im sure u'll have beautiful kids n the right guy to share it all wit
the best things come wit time dear