Hi All. Long post.
At 15 the family doctor put me on Xanax for the first time because it was very clear that I wasn't functioning, intense panic, wouldn't leave my room, anorexia, extensive self-hatred and self-harm. This was back before "benzos" was a bad word and also before they knew how addicting and possibly dangerous they can be.
Now I'm 32. While I have been off the benzos several times and been moved from one to another, it always again becomes very apparent very quickly that even after the withdrawals it is not OK for me to be off them. Suicide attempts, catatonia, institutionalized. My previous psychiatrist, bless his heart, actually re-instated his prescribing license just. for. me. "These drugs are the most over prescribed in the country, but they were invented for a reason and that reason is the few people like you."
Long story short, he retired and referred me to a nurse practitioner after a bad episode and missing 3 weeks of work. She kept me on xanax, #60 1mg 1x/mo take as needed., plus lamictrigrine and guamphasine. It's working well. I have a job. Barely.
Now, after 9 months with her, this nurse has had some sort of freak-out-come-to-Jesus moment and decides I'm abusing them, cutting them back to 1mg/day for the next 15 days and then cutting them off completely. WHAT THE HELL. I've never abused benzos, in fact I still can't comprehend how people like them, get "high" on them. For me it's a choice between absolutely suicidal anxiety (no bensoz) and a dull depression (with benzos). I don't even like them.
The elephant in the room is that, when I was also a teenager, I figured out how to use alcohol to "cure" my anxiety. (HAHAHA.) I drink heavily and have my entire life. Please, I don't need anyone to point out that alcohol and xanax are a deadly combination. I KNOW THAT. Like I say, I've been dealing with this balance of finding a way to keep myself from suicidal anxiety for two decades. I get that she's afraid I'm going to off myself, but what she doesn't seem to understand is that without benzos I will certainly die. And if I'd wanted to OD by now I'd also certainly have done it. It sounds conceited, but I know much more about the effects of alcohol and xanax than she does.
What do I do.
I'm afraid I'm going to be right back to missing work, this time losing my job, and have no where to go but the hospital or death.