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Please help...

okay so i already posted this but please read it

Get ready for a ride... so im 13 and a female...

First some back up information: when i was 9-10 i was mortified i would turn into yes a zombie i would be like i need to be nice to this person since ill eat them. then i told me mom and she told me that happened to her but with vampires. Also earlier this year u was so scared i would turn crazy and try to kill my family or myself.

So when i was say 10 i was hangin out with my cousin and the thought popped into my head "do i want to kiss her" I started to freak out and i asked my dad  if being lesbian was bad and he said no but i was freaked out! I looked back on childhood expirences and i kissed my cousin (also a girl) when i was little and we used to,,don't judge me... touch our tounges together and freak out when i was like 6. It didnt' bother me for awhile but it would always be in the back of my mind. Last year i had a HUGE crush on this one boy who was my "dream guy" as much as a 12 year old could get and my heart would race when i saw him. Then he shattered my heart and from then on my life spiraled down. In the summer my mind would only think. "do i like girls? no i do't like girls i like boy i like guys." i would try to avoid looking at girls and my mind would tell me i had to check them out so i looked at girls... i cried everyday and i couldn't tell ANYONE. Soon i started to obsess with saying "i don't like girls, ilike boys and i like guys." then my mind would turn that aroud saying "i like girls i don't like guys" i can't stand it.
Sometimes i my body tells me to say the word gay or anything that begins with G or V for vagina, okay o have also googled so amny things like "am i gay" tests and... yes porn. I saw that watching porn would help but its made it worse. I saw lesbian porn and i got scared and i can't tell if i like it or not and if i cant tell if i want to kiss that girl or not, im always checking for responses and ugh i hate it. I had this crush on this guy earlier in the year and he would always hold my hand and put his arm around me and i loved it but then when he asked for me to be his girlfriend idk i freaked out and i didn't want it. I find girls more physically appealing but theni guess i "used" to be emotionally be attracted to guy but (what i hope) is HOCD has like changed it and it feels like i don't like guys anymore..

Im so sorry this is so long if you managed to read through it please help i can't deal with this anymore i need help

(also i told my dad i think i had OCD and he's a doctor and he said he doesn't think i have it and he said loads of people have intrusive thoughts but i couldn't tell him they were gay intrusive thoughts and this made it so much worse)
Best Answer
Avatar universal
Your Dad is right -- intrusive thoughts aren't OCD.  HOCD is a word, but it doesn't really mean what it sounds like.  It's just a diagnostic category, but it isn't a form of OCD.  So you're thinking of your sexuality.  That happens to most thinking people at one time or another.  This is your time.  What suits you will sort itself out, and any way it comes out will be okay.  What you really want to focus on is why thoughts bother you so much.  
Yeah but the thoughts cause me to say phrases and it makes me feel uncomfortable not to and im constantly obsessing over it
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Avatar universal
That's what I said, your problems is that your thoughts are bothering you.  If you feel it's really bad, you need to see a therapist and sort this out.  Good luck.
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