With the thought of cheating, i become a shell

[Omusicgame]

With the thought of cheating, I become a shell.  I had cheated on my wife in the past but i havent in a while, and I never want to again.  I know I sound like a piece of **** but hear me out.  I love her so much, I really do.  I am totally never gonna mess around on her again and I am a great father to our 2 boys.  I just feel like this horrible thing is attached to my soul.  Like, I never really wanted to do it, but I did, and I'm really paying the consequences now.  I guess I get turned on by women alot of the time and that messes things up, but i am a guy so...... So I just want a good life.  That's all.  I don't want to worry anymore, I just want to enjoy myself.  My job is bothering me alot too.  I feel like I'm stuck because guess what.....Im too comfortable.  Idk, what should I do??  Oh yeahh, and this causes alot of anxiety in Me.

[specialmom]

Gosh, honestly, some of what you feel is normal.  Things like getting turned on by a lot of women.  Hard to turn that off and it doesn't mean we don't love our wife. You are committed enough to your wife that you feel guilty about these feelings.  :>)  That's a good sign.  

Living with guilt is really hard.  And I am guessing this is a secret?  What about a counselor that is one just you see in which you can bare your soul?  I will tell you this from a wife's point of view . . .  you can make it up to your wife by being a terrific husband to her.  Being kind, caring and attentive.  Knowing that you could have lost it all----  but haven't makes your relationship with her a gift.  Treat it like that.  And then you can view the prior cheating as something that strengthened your marriage.  If she knows about it, that is also hard and takes a lot of work for a couple to work through.  Personally, as a wife, I guess I'd rather not know and just have the awesome husband working hard to be good to me.  So, if she doesn't know, leave it that way.  If she does, make sure you do counseling to work through it.

Your job is also bothering you.  Job stress is hard, money issues can really tie us down.  Any changes you can make to make it better?

Do you do any therapy?  Any treatment for anxiety/depression such as medication?  Do you exercise, sleep regular hours, eat well?  All of these things can help.  

[Paxiled]

Guilt is a hard thing.  Hanging on to it once you've learned what it has to teach helps nothing.  None of us is mistake-free.  I'd recommend seeing a therapist or some professional counselor you can talk to about this since it's not something you want to spread around.  But at some point if you truly will never do this again you have to forgive yourself to preserve your marriage and your sanity.   If you do find yourself doing it again, it's time to leave the marriage, because the painful truth is you're not ready to be married or you married the wrong person for you if you keep feeling it necessary to find your pleasure outside the marriage.  Nobody forced you to get married and make that commitment, but once you did, well, you did.  Taking you at your word, that this was one and done, make the most of your future.  And you know, truly, how do you know your wife hasn't cheated on you, too?  People do sense this stuff.  I'm not saying she has, just that you're getting wrapped up totally in yourself as if you're the only person in the world who has messed up.  We've all done something we'd like to take back.  Let time move on and enjoy the blessings you say you have.