HOCD OR DENIAL

[jack965]

Last year I was watching tv and this guy said he was gay. When the guy said he was gay i started to question my sexuality. My mind keeps telling me that I was gay. The thing is I never feel attracted or aroused to males I just get this weird feeling.  I also get parnoia that people think am gay.  I don't smoke weed often but when i do the gay thoughts bother me more. When someone says gay i get nervous. I don't understand whats going on I get hard when am with my girl. I tried to watch gay porn to test myself and i couldn't watch it was too much. I love women I don't like men my head keeps on telling me things like your friend is gay go after him ,kiss him, etc. yall gotta help me because I don't know what to do how do I stop these thoughts?

[jasondercc]

i help me i got my first hocd spike last 3 weeks. when i dreamt two guys kissing and i woke up in the middle and had a semi erection. to tell you i was always attracted to females and never males. now im starting to doubt everything im feeling depressed and anxiety. i never thought i was gay or even had a gay thought before this. please help me. i know im straight so i thought let me put my finger in my *** not all the way a little. so i did a little and i had this weird shock feeling and i didn't go thought with in and then i was like what!! does that mean i enjoyed i don't enjoy anything in my *** never did never will please help me

[frightenedandconfused]

why does a report box pop up next to your name?
To be honest this is the best answer I have. I found it in an article titled Sexual Orientation OCD, aka HOCD/Gay OCD part 2
•“My entire history as a lie.”
•“I will be rejected and abandoned by my family and friends.”
•“I will be subject to public ridicule.”
•“I will have to spend the rest of my life having sex that feels alien to who I am.”
•“I will have a lifetime of self-hatred and self-disgust.”
•“I will never truly connect to another person again.”

This whole thing does not feel natural to me. The statement that you made sent me into a full blown panic which I can't say is your fault I am sure you were trying to help but it made me sick to my stomache just the same. This is icensant and will not stop. My stomache rolled and lurched at the thought. It is paralyzing and frightening.

[therese83]

Think it through

IF you are gay,, then,,?

You go on living your life, gay people dont have sex with everyone that passes.  Even if you are mostly straight , like me, who knows I might some day fall for a woman,, relax about it.

It is OK

[frightenedandconfused]

Is it possible to detach from your real life experiences and put up like a mental block? I feel like maybe i did this b/c i don't feel much for my family, friends, or even pets. When I say and do things i feel hollow. I do what's expected in social settings but I don't feel anything behind it other than fear and a sense of being foreign to myself. What does this mean? Am i really gay or mentally ill. I never wanted to think I was mentally ill but the alternative isn't any better. I love my husband but i feel like i am teetering on the edge. I can't picture not being with him but I can't stop thinking what if this is all wrong, what if I really am gay, why do I have to have an answer for everything or asign meaning?
I have strong impulses to slap myself or punch myself or let go of the steering wheel when driving. I had a traumatic childhood (like a lot of people i know), was bullied horribly by my peers and always felt like I never deserved to be happy or could be happy. That life just wasn't for me, I was just meant to be alone and do for others.

[BluCrystal]

Good luck and let me know how it goes for you.

[frightenedandconfused]

Thank you I will try that. I just want to be happy and go back to who I feel like I used to be, but I am worried that I have blocked myself out from my true emotions and allowed this whole thing to run rampant. I will try the couting and breathing exercise.

[BluCrystal]

Hi there.  I know that intrusive, unwanted, scary, repetitive thoughts can be overwhelming as well as debilitating.  I have a trick for this that works for me, and you are welcome to give it a try.  When these thoughts begin to enter your mind, tell yourself firmly to STOP, in your own head.  Then do this breathing excrsize:  breathe in for a count of ten, then out for a count of ten.  Concentrate only on your breathing and counting.  Do this three times.  Then go on and focus on something else.  This excersize re-focuses your thoughts on things that are not upsetting, and disrupts repetitive thinking.  I hope this helps.

[frightenedandconfused]

This is overwhelming.I am a 27 year old female I can't stop thinking "am i gay, what if i'm gay, what if i'm just in denial?" It takes up most of my day. I feel sick to my stomache, my head hurts, i space out and all i do is cry. I avoid same sex or people that I feel could be a threat, don't make eye contact with same sex, etc. I have gone over and over in my head my entire love-life experiences all w/men and convinced myself essentially they were all a lie. This is awful. I can't eat, sleep, i had to leave my job. I am very recently married and I am afraid this nightmare is true. I love my husband so much and I was so happy at the thought of being married but now....
This all started when i tried to tell my mother something painful that happened to me, and when i told my mom I have something to tell u, she said, "you're gay?!?!?!?" I felt so insignificant b/c what i had to tell her made me uncomfortable (it was about my ex-b/f) then she called me a **** and a ***** and all these other names. Flash forward a year or so a Bi-woman hit on me. It made me uncomfortable, she hugged me and I pulled back and folded my arms to signal I was not comfortable.
Then about 5 months ago I began obssessing. Am I gay, am i too boyisg, what if i am just in denial? I freaked out and really thought I could be gay, it scares me and makes me feel like I can't breath! I have unwanted sexual thoughts/ images and I can't make them stop which only fuels in my mind that, "Oh God this must be true!" My husband knows all about this and has told me for a while that I was messed up psychologically as a result of my childhood. I have researched HOCD and I have the "symptoms" I haven't had a confirmed diagnosis (never disclosed the intensity or contents of this to a therapist), so it's like b/c of that my brain is like "u wish". I feel like this is ruining my life. The whole thing that set this in motion I feel like was my mom saying what she said to me. I thought could my mom know something about me I didn't know; enter obssession. I am so uncomfortable now, I feel depressed, I isolate myself, I determine whether things are threatening or not. I can't look at a woman/girl that I think is prettier than  me. I have always been very jealous of pretty girls and admired qualities about some women but I never remember being attracted sexually to them. Now after going through my mind it's like I've assigned meaning to my old memories that never gave a 2nd thought about before. I have had lesbian/gay friends before and never felt insecure about my sexuality but now it's like my brain is on overlaod.
I am constantly questioning my husband am i gay? and I know it's starting to wear on him. I have been diagnosed with Genergal anxiety disorder and a couple other thing like PTSD but I am so afraid I am the one exception that this HOCD would not apply to. It terrifies me to think that my whole life has been a lie. I feel like maybe I should just give in and then part of me says no you can't and I feel sick to my stomache, want to throw up dry mouth, etc.
Please someone help me!!!!!!!!!

[nursegirl6572]

You need to seek professional help ASAP, especially if you're having suicidal thoughts.  This is nothing that can't be fixed.  It's most likely anxiety that needs addressed.  If you were truly gay, you wouldn't have just had a "sudden" thought prompted by something you saw on TV....there would have been an implication more than once, and most likely throughout most of your life.

Get yourself some help so you can get some peace!  Best of lucK!

[jack965]

thank you for answering my question because this ocd is ruining my life. I only love women but this is too much for me I feel like to end my life. I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't understand how I was watching TV and the next minute am questioning my sexuality. Deep down I know am not gay but my mind wont leave me alone.  I can't believe this is happening to me. I know these are only thoughts because I will never touch a guy in a sexual way

[nursegirl6572]

Welcome to the forum.  While you'd have to go to a doctor for a proper diagnosis, it sure sounds like you are suffering with "intrusive thoughts"..a common symptom in anxiety disorders, including OCD.  They are basically thoughts that you don't want there....YOU don't specifically remember putting those thoughts in there...and they are ALWAYS centered on something that would frighten you.  Not to say that being "gay" is frightening but in your case, it makes you question your sexuality and induces questions about your life.  Meaning, things you've just known to be a fact are all of a sudden up on the table and it's scary.  Of course if you realized all of a sudden that you were gay, many portions of your life would change.  That scares you...hence why the thoughts about being gay are so anxiety provoking.  

Other people's intrusive thoughts are based around harming themselves or a close loved one.  An example of a common IT that a LOT of people have experienced at some point in their lives is the idea of yanking the steering wheel while driving...causing a huge possibly fatal accident.  Even people without anxiety have reported those thoughts...only most people have the ability to shrug them off after a shudder and a "Oh my, how awful" thought.  Some of us get stuck with those thoughts, and the more we have them...the scarier they are and the easier it is to convince ourselves that there is reality behind those thoughts, when there isn't.  It's basically a way our brains scare us...nice huh?  Google the term "intrusive thoughts' and you'll get a much clearer picture.

I had VERY unsettling IT's when I was at the peak of my panic disorder and they were AWFUL.  The more the thoughts scared me, the worse the thoughts got.  It actually prompted me to make an urgent trip to my shrink...I was convinced I'd gone mad and was TRULY terrified that the thoughts I had would become reality.  You cannot IMAGINE the relief I had when I found out what those thoughts were...and that I wasn't a raging lunatic ready to do awful things.  The thoughts started to diminish pretty quickly once I learned they were not actual REAL conscious thoughts or contemplations.  They sort of lost their "power".

Obviously this is causing you great stress...and I think this is something definitely worth exploring with a professional.  Some talk therapy may be all you need...but there are other options as well if needed.  A psychiatrist is a great place to start b/c he/she can "officially" diagnose you after a thorough assessment and refer you to a therapist who can help you work through this.

Once you understand a bit more about what is going on...it won't be as frightening and will likely start to resolve.

Good luck, keep in touch!