stumped

[confused849]

A few months ago I reconnected with a lady that I dated as a teenager. We split over 30 years ago at her suggestion. I was always very fond of her and remained so. I started seeing quite a bit of her again recently and I found myself feeling very strongly about her again. When I mentioned it to her, she told me that she just wants afriendship with me. Now I'm hurting and worried about the future. I feel that I want to hang on and be neutral about this but I can't seem to calm down. I feel that if I cut her out of the loop that I will hurt her also. I'm not sure what to do here and wonder how I can slow down and just take things as they come. Are there any techniques that can help?

[confused849]

I had been with other girls before I met this one in those days but she was very special to me as I'm sure you feel about your friend as well. I have no trouble articulating around her. We actually communicate quite well. I just can't seem to be easy about the reality that she doesn't feel the same way about me as she used to which is understandable. The fact that she doesn't reciprocate my feelings is causing me distress and I don't understand it. I am usually a very easy going person and have no real trouble with these kinds of situations. This is definitely new to me. My stomach has been in a constant knot for weeks now. I find myself unable to accept and release this situation. I understand what you're saying about being tongue tied though. These kinds of things can be nervewracking but it's actually a first for me. I've thought about cutting it off and regaining some normalcy but I wonder if I will feel worse about that. I also don't want her to think that we can't be friends. I feel guilty because I feel that I've created a nuisance situation where there didn't have to be one. I really don't know how to relax on this one.

[bbaggins]

I found that same situation when I've run into my first love. I've seen her a few times since we were teenagers (we both still live in the same town), and whenever I was around her more recently, I would have trouble talking and was stuttering my words. Was a bit embarrassing.

[confused849]

Thanks,

I have thought about that and of course you could be right. My problem right now is how to stabilize my anxiety about it. I find it extrememly difficult to be around her and be neutral. We're in contact every day. I don't want to rush anything. Certainly don't want to be arbitrary. It's one of those situations that causes distress.

[bbaggins]

Are you feeling strongly about her as she is today, or are you looking for the same person you knew 30 years ago?

I, too, often think about my first love and what "could have been", but also understand that time, and people, change.

If you are looking to get back with her, take it slow and see how things turn out. Don't rush into it only to find out, when it may be too late, that it's not quite what you were looking for.