Do I Bring This on Myself???

[Suzyq0826]

I am beginning to think that I am my own worst enemy and my anxiety issues are brought on by myself over the stupidest things. It seems that I am never happy, that no matter what somebody does or what happens, it is never enough.

I send my husband emails, he calls instead and I get upset because he didn't answer my emails. I get an email, and I am annoyed because I didn't get a phone call. I ask him how things are going and he tells me, then I get upset because he's not asking how things are going here. Of course it was 1am tomorrow there when we spoke this morning...he worked all day, had to entertain for dinner and called when he got back to his hotel in a state of complete exhaustion. I know I am being totally unreasonable.

He just got a promotion, it was announced today, I told him I'm happy for him and proud of him, but it will mean more time away from home...so I'm really not happy about it. But he is, and I have to be supportive....but it just gives me one more thing to be unhappy and stress about.

He tells me I'm a control freak, that if I'm not in control of everything I'm not happy. I tell him he's wrong and I disagree, but I am beginning to think that maybe he's right.

I am seriously beginning to think what I need is therapy and not Xanax.

[Suzyq0826]

hahahaha....saw that coming :-)

[JSGeare]

Shut up and stop whining.

OK?

[Suzyq0826]

You are right...and I've gotten a lot of good advice in this post. I guess I am just frustrated...probably because he's right and I can't control everything. I am beginning to see that now.

The only thing I can control is me, what I do, how I react (to an extent), and how I choose to deal with things when every little thing doesn't go my way.

And, as I am now in one of my more rational and lucid moments....what the heck am I complaining about anyway? I have three days off. I have the house to myself, I don't have to cook, no one to clean up after, I can come and go as I please and go to sleep and wake up when I want. I don't have my 10 yr old stepson for the weekend...that happens only when Dad is around...that in itself is a vacation (he is a handful!)...and I am leaving a week from today to go spend time with my very best friend and my brother in Chicago and Michigan. And hubby is meeting me in Chicago on the 12th.

Someone should tell me to shut up and quit whining :-))))

[Heather3418]

You have to stop beating up on yourself.  You have just been through a major event...like saying good-bye to your husband who is clear across the world.  I would say that is defined as a major stress.

The one thing I kept hearing from therapists back in the day, "is no one can make me happy but ME. " I needed to learn to do things for myself that make ME happy.  Now that your husband is out of the country, he is not beside you to fill up your evenings or your weekends.  So guess what...it's time you did something to make yourself happy and fill those moments without him.

I do think you are angry at him and are lashing out, over what you say is "wanting an email back, instead of a phone call."  I think you are angry because he is not around to lean on and you ARE taking it out on him while he is away.

Now is the time to gather all your emotional strength to support yourself and your husband in his job away from home. Like I said, don't beat up on yourself too much.  You are being hard on yourself, just as you say.  I like your idea of pampering yourself this weekend.  It's exactly what you need.

And I agree with Michael, therapy may definitely help to fill those lonely thoughts.  Use the Xanax if you have to.  But stop beating yourself up..  You are your own best friend.  Take care of you...

Heather

[scaredjo]

aaaaaaah i so feel the same but mine is part jealousy cause my hubby got a promo i dont work he gotta work overtime im not happy yet he jus booked us a holiday but im still not happy, i text him and want a reply he phones lol i call myself "high maintenance" but deep down i dont think i am lol
cant win x

[Suzyq0826]

Your are right, I do let some of this happen, and he is not a thoughtless brute, but he is a bit wrapped up in his own world and sometimes I wonder where I fit into it.

I've written him emails like you suggest before, he tends to put his own spin on what I'm saying, so with him, it's always better to talk in person. I can then clarify what I am trying to say, and I know I have his attention.

If I'm having one of those days and he sees me reach for my Xanax his first response is "What did I do now?" I try to tell him even that isn't all about him, but he does not understand anxiety disorders and never will. I am well past the point of trying to explain anymore.

Right now I am a bit bored and a little lonely....we are great together, we have a lot of fun and really enjoy each other's company, so when he's away I do miss him. But I also understand that is his job and try to deal with it the best I can.

I do work full-time....happens to be a slow time in the office for me right now, so I can coast along and do as much or as little as I want.....for the moment. I'm accountant/financial analyst and my company is private and only reports on a quarterly basis...so by July 15th, it won't matter to me if he's in Korea or Siberia, I'll be working 12 hour days 7 days a week. I also am working on my MBA, but took a month off just to enjoy some of the summer and not have to worry about it when I go to Chicago next month. My next class also begins on the 15th, so free time won't be an issue. Between work and school he'll be lucky if I have any time for him ;-)))

Thanks for the post!
Suzy

[RubyWitch]

I have a bit of the same issue going on in my house. My husband isn't half way around the world, so mine is a tad easier to deal with.
You say you write him emails but he responds with a phone call in the middle of YOUR night and the middle of HIS day. Time to get out the old Almanac and study up on GMT! There HAS to be a time that would work better for both of you.
Yes, we do owe our spouses/mates/partners our loving support, but it's got to be a two way street. Perhaps if you wrote him a non-threatening email and tell him how you feel, he will begin to understand that it can't be all about him. It sounds like he is very busy climbing some coporate ladder or other and is no doubt very focused on his career right now, and that is understandable, but he needs to remember that you are home, waiting and cheering him on and that YOUR life is every bit as important as his.
Do you work outside the home? If not, perhaps this would be a good time for you to explore some options to keep you happy and busy while your husband is out of town. If you can afford to get by with one income, then you have a wealth of things to look into. Find something you are passionate about and check into volunteering, which could turn into a paying job. If you love flowers, many florists have volunteers who take care of the new shipments. The library, your kids school, your local hospital has an endless need for volunteers. Just thoughts. I know your post wasn't about you being bored, but of feeling that YOUR life and feelings and accomplishments were playing second fiddle to your husbands. Bear in mind that you are letting this happen in some ways. While there is a pause in your husbands oratory of HIS work, you can begin talking about YOUR life!
I don't get the sense that your husband is a thoughtless brute, he's just caught up in his own world and he needs a gentle nudge to bring him back into yours!
Peace
Greenlydia

[Suzyq0826]

I think you're both right...counseling probably wouldn't hurt. It would give me someone to talk to one on one....it's not like I can't see when I'm being unreasonable, but sometimes I think my requests are within reason and my feelings should be considered too....

But I understand this is an exciting job for him and he's excited about his promotion, so I just let him go on and on...I didn't want to dampen his enthusiasm today. But, I am frustrated because I would hope he would be wanting to know that I was ok...but I blame it on everything else going on and his lack of sleep because he's not usually that self-centered.

Also....he's only calling at 1am because he's in So Korea and he is 15 hours ahead of us, so otherwise, he's sleeping when I'm up and I'm asleep when he's up....tough to stay in touch from so far away.

[snoozies43]

Hi Suzy,

Yes we can cause our own selves to worry over things out of our control.

I do beleive you have to be supportive but not at your own expense. Meaning when you call him and ask how he is doing and he doesn't ask how you are doing....you are not getting your needs met. It is a simple question we should be asked by loved ones. We cannot live on loving ourselves alone. We need friends, family, and support.

I myself went back to counseling. You are simply feeling the need for love and support in what your day has been like.

Hopefully you have told him that you would like him to ask how YOU are. Many people get caught up in what THEY are doing and about. We just need to remind them that we also love them and would like some simple acts of love in return. If They do not respond, we have to let that go. We cannot change them, but we can change how we react to them.  Also learn how to love ourselves a little more than waiting for someone to bring us happiness. I would be "Happy" with the phone call ;O).

Talking one on one with my counselor, gives me someone to bounce feelings off to. Kinda get what i mean? Maybe changing the time he calls you to the am's b/4 you both start your day would be best. Your both pooped at 1 am rofllllllll

Best to you, Snooze

[Jikan]

Namaste,

We usually are our own worst enemies. We don't seek help when we feeel we need it, we don't use our support group, we don't take our medications properly, etc.

Every day is not going to be great.   It seems you have a lot of time on your hands to feel miserable.

Your suggestion with regards to counseling may be an excellent one.  You might also want to investigate support groups where you talk with people face to face rather than surfing the net, looking for answers.

Michael