trembling

[CJ71]

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder about 15 years ago when I started having panic attacks.  Recently things have gotten much worse.  I have three sons and a daughter.  One of my sons is profoundly autistic and has some of the worst symptoms of the disorder.  My other two sons have a rare kidney disorder and are quite high maintenence.  My daughter is just fine but is a toddler caught in the middle and has become very demanding.  And then there's my husband. . .

My grandfather passed away last week.  He's been in a nursing home for about 5 years with dementia and caught pneumonia.  He died within two days but struggled to breathe and was very uncomfortable.  Flashbacks of my brother dying of head and neck cancer. . .it was horrible to watch.  I sat with Grandpa for as long as I could and then said my goodbyes.  Absolutely broke my heart.  I haven't been shopping in years so needed a couple of nice outfits to wear to the services.  I spent about $180 and my husband went ballistic!  He was furious with me, but I held my ground.  I don't usually spend that much $$ on clothes but I wanted something really nice, practical and comfortable.  After 4 babies in 8 years, nothing quite fits right anymore.  And we can afford it--we're not exactly broke but have to be money conscious with three special needs kiddos.  My husban's reaction really upset me, so much so that I slept on the couch whech I haven't done in a long time.  That was Monday night.  Tuesday night was the rosary.  Wednesday was the funeral.  Had to get babysitters lined up and ON TIME which isn't ever easy.  Funeral was beautiful and moving but, still, sad.  Thursday, the baby (kidney disorder) became violently ill and ended up in the hospital.  We were there for three days.  While in the hospital, my son with autism got a bad ear infection and I couldn't take him to the doctor.  I tried to explain to the physician on call that he won't take liquid medication at all.  Finally agreed to chewable pills after a long battle.  I came home Saturday evening and was sick as a dog the next day with an upper-respiratory virus.  I've been shaking non-stop since Monday's argument--really put me over the edge.  Xanax doesn't even touch it.  I just feel so trapped.  Any ideas?

CJ

[nana902]

You sure have a "lot on your plate".  No wonder you feel like you do.  You need some TLC and maybe a "valium".!!!!!  No kidding......you can only take so much, no matter how old you are.  Hope your psychiatrist will help.  Good luck....Nana

[CJ71]

I'm part of of a local Autism Society and I have made some really good friends through this group.  If not for my friends, I wouldn't have been able to go to my grandfather's rosary and funeral.  Thank God for my friends.  

The stress of having special needs kids can truly be overwhelming.  But, honestly, the tension between my husband and myself causes me more stress than anything else in my life.  He has his own anxiety issues (I think he has OCD).  There is a long history of verbal abuse.  We've been in counseling for years and I really thought we were past all of that.  This last argument really threw me for a loop.  I thought, for sure, he'd understand why I needed nice clothes.  We have an agreement that, when spending a certain amount of $$, we talk about it first.  I told him I was going shopping to buy a couple of nice outfits.  My grandfather was buried with full military honors.  He was the best man I've ever known. He loved his faith, family and friends--that's all that mattered to him.  Completely devoted to the three "f's".  I wanted to dress in a way that showed how much love and respect I have for him.  But my husband came down really hard on me, demanding that I take back the clothes because I purchased them at Ann Taylor Loft and DSW.  They were all on sale--heck, the shoes normally would have cost $80 and I got them for $35.  Not bad.  He went on and on about how we can't afford to shop at those places (I have before.  I guess he just got amnesia).  He was absolutely enraged.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't stop shaking.  I'm not feeling particularly nervous right now, but I can barely type.  Like I blew a headgasket.  I can't get into see my psychiatrist until the end of the month.  Does this even happen to other people?  Just scared, I guess.  Thanks so much for listening.

[shortcircuited]

I hear you, sister.  I hope he can become an ally.

I would say try to stay in touch with friends or make friends, but most people would have trouble relating to how difficult your situation truly is--and it's not so easy to go out and meet people with so many special needs at home.   Are there any support groups where you live, particularly for those with autistic children? If so, maybe you could find others there who understand, who might be able to help with suggestions or empathy at least.

[CJ71]

We're working with the state to get some respite so that we can go out once in a while.  I'm not really sure if my husband is an ally or not, however.  Its just one thing after another and I'm just supposed to handle it.  Alone.  Every time there's a crisis, seems like I'm alone.  Just the way it is.  I don't think it occurs to him to be supportive, but I really can't say for sure.  Never know what that man is thinking because he doesn't talk much.  I'm just trying to do the best I can to get through each day.

[shortcircuited]

You need a break from all this stress.  If you can work it out to get a little guilt free time to yourself, then do it.  

Also, do you and your husband every get a chance to go on a date?  You need an ally, and he is your closest candidate.