Am I bipolar

[Paulfisher12]

Hi

need help, does anyone thing I am bipolar. If I am not bipolar disorder, I think I suffer from depression.

I am not a crazy or frenetic person but there are times I feel really happy and at other times I feel very down. I believe the times I am happy it is usually because of some kind of academic or creative acheivement. On the other hand, failure in school, work, personal relationships can give me feelings of being worthless.

I am 38 years old and married, but believe my marriage is in trouble. I have no kids. I come a family of 6; my father was both verbally and physically abuse. My mother was mentally abusive. I went to a psychologist as a young man. And believe I was sexually abused by this psychologist.

I am coming to terms with a vary difficult past, I have spent years in emotional anguish, usually from feelings of great lonliness, I do work full time but fear being alone. I have managed to stay clear of drugs, alcohol and risky sex, but I feel so tempted.

I really hope one day I will awake and feel good about me, but the other day I did not do so well on a test and I feel really stupid and I could see my questions bothered my professor.

Do I sound like a bipolar individual?

[Paulfisher12]

Thanks your
input is genuinely appreciated

[run4you]

I think it would be really helpful for you to see a therapist for handling your feelings of worthlessness. A lot of the issues we deal with are so deeply ingrained in our lives that it's difficult to break them.

As far as bipolar, a psychiatrist could give you a definitive diagnosis. The difference between what you described and what I experience is that your reactions are appropriate to situations.  For instance, my hypomania may be triggered by something 'reasonable' - that people would normally be happy about. However, I am beyond elated. Suddenly I don't need sleep. I have SO much energy, I'm working out all the time, I'm getting SO much done. Eventually, I will crash, usually for another seemingly 'small' downer that will leave me in a state that I don't want to get out of bed, take care of minute things in life, or even see people. The thing about bipolar - the difference between 'normal' and a disorder - is the extreme to which you experience things. I also have 'normal' reactions at times. But then there are obviously way off extreme reactions - either way.

Good luck.

Whether you go to dinner or not is up to you. How do you think it will effect you long-term? I mean, if you can get a therapy appointment before then, I think it would help. But don't do it if you think it will send you into a spiraling depression. Just politely tell them you have some studying to catch up on :)

[Paulfisher12]

I am sorry to hear that you struggle with these types of feelings. I can not honestly say that I have ever felt this way.

I just come from a home where self worth is completely tied into acheivement whether academic or job related. My dad used to beat he crap out of me when I was kid if I didn't get math problems correct and since that time I have severe test taking anxiety.

I know the problem is probably mild in comparison to what you deal with. I managed to control the anxiety when I was in high school but barely. When I got to college I kind of fell apart, I  graduated but with really mediocre grades.

I am now in a grad schhol class and I botched a test I knew the Answers too I just feel so down and so ******.

This friend invited me to dinner, but I feel so unworht to be in the presence of academic acheivers. So what do I do? Do I pretend like nothing is wrong?

[rBoulet]

Because bipolar can manifest in so many different ways in so many different people it's very hard to say over the internet if any one individual is suffering from the disorder. If you believe you have the disorder then your best bet would be to go to a doctor and voice your worries.
Some parts of what you wrote remind me of myself, while other parts of your post make me feel that you might have some sort of anxiety issue? It's perfectly normal to feel very happy when you have an achievement and down when you don't do quite as well as you had hoped in school or at work. The issue with bipolar is that during an episode these feelings are totally blown out of proportion, happen out of the blue, or include unrealistic thoughts.
Like when I was in university I lost my student ID which is also our bus pass here, this made me anxious which in turn triggered a depressive episode I was already having to become much worse. This just compounded and compounded until I was admitted to a hospital because I was threatning to kill myself over losing a bus pass!

Anyways, I think you should talk to a doctor, and if they say nothing is wrong and you feel something is, get a 2nd opinion. Remember that nobody has a better idea of what's going on with you except you.