how can I stop harbouring resentment and bitterness?

[morna]

I am a 71 yr old woman, diagnosed with manic-depression (now bipolar 1) in my early 40s when life with a narcissistic husband and 3 children I'd had in 2 1/2 years almost brought me to suicide. My father was also bipolar.
I separated from my husband 15 years later after 27 years of marriage, finding no support from my children, who were very confused and scared of me. I have had 7 surgeries, 5 major, gallbladder, 2 binary varicose veins, 2 hip replacements. I had to stop Lithium after 17 years because of neurological side effects, and after 2 years of mixed state psychosis, am now taking Lamictal. It is doing me a great deal of good, but my arthritis and fibromyalgia cause a great deal of pain, and, since I have a stomach hernia and have had a duodenal ulcer, anti-inflammatories cannot always be prescribed and I try to avoid steroids. I also use a CPAP for sleep apnoea and take thyroxin for an underactive thyroid.
I was a University lecturer before retiring, and have built up a reputation for bilingual poetry in Malta. My relationship with my children has improved considerably - I have 3 grandchildren. My major problem nevertheless is that there is still a great deal of resentment bottled up inside, even when I think I have overcome it at last. It continues to poison relations with my children sometimes (which engenders guilt), and suddenly surfaces unexpectedly in situations which should be joyful, like the birth of my grandchildren. Even good feelings are stressful these days, and I am happiest alone. However, Malta is very small and I feel too physically challenged to get away. Walking and summer swimming help, but I don't know how to control anger and bitterness when they suddenly take over, though I am usually a compassionate person (I hope). I have not had a manic episode for 2 years, but when my mistakes with my children sour relationships again, or when pain effects my trying (perhaps too hard), I can get very depressed and my antidepressants need to be increased. I often feel that I am caught in quicksands into which I only seek deeper if I struggle against them.
This is happening right now, when my youngest has had a 2nd baby after a hernia op and C section and is understandably tired, sleepy and easily irritated. But instead of helping I increase her stress, behave self-centredly and say unkind tactless things. She won't talk to me despite apologies in text and emails, and won't answer the phone. I don't blame her. Should I give her time? I can cope since my psychiatrist has increased my anti-depressant. Should I email her again and ask how the family is? I really wish to know because my new granddaughter is only 3 weeks old, but I'm scared to phone the other children and be lectured to as though I don't know I am to blame. Can anyone help please? I'm not depressed but quite distressed.
sorry this is so long

[morna]

Thank you for this. It arrived when I have already regained my serenity more or less. I have done all the things you recommended, because it is not the first time it's happened, though I thought I was over these recurrences.
I had a terrible depression shortly after I wrote - my psychiatrist upped my Seroxat and warned me that since I have a tendency to want to please others, I take on more than I can cope with before I realise that I can't - and so I panic. The problem is breaking the pattern which started within my marriage - of my 'supposed' state being merely a means of emotional blackmail. This time I took the bull by the horns, and sent video if what a bipolar depression is like to my 3 children. It was only 3 mins long, but in the end, I simply went to my daughter's when I was in the locality. It was stiff, but I stayed only for 15 mins, and since then everything has slipped slowly back to normal. Except that I've been dedicating lots of time to rest, and to my book which must be finished by next week. I have explained why I can't promise these things won't happen again - that I can be even more bewildered and hurt as they, as well as confused and scared. They know I love them.
I'm sorry you had such a hard time yourself. Bipolarism can be terrifying, but in a way, it can teach a great deal of wisdom as well, don't you think?

[fromlight2dark]

When I read your post, I feel your pain.  I also have many other medical issues going on besides dealing with bipolar disorder and it is difficult to keep things in balance.

The best thing that I have ever done is accept that I am bipolar.  You know you are, but it seems that you haven't accepted that these ups and downs are going to be a continuous fight.  

Whether you call, get together or send an email, it is important to let your daughter know that you accept responsibility for what you said that hurt her and then explain that you often cannot control your emotions.  Let her know that your emotions do not always match the situation and ask her for some mercy.

Forgiveness starts with forgiving yourself and then letting those that you hold closest to your heart know that many times you have and may continue to say things which can be hurtful.  Then let them know that you love them and ask them to be patient with you.  

Bitterness has a way of digging so deep within our hearts that the thorns can show even when we think we just might be well.  

When I had my nervous breakdown several years ago, my family did not know what to do or say, so they just let me lay in bed unshowered, unfed and feeling unloved.  I didn't realize until I had reached a certain point of wellness that they should have done so much more.  I was in bed for a year recovering.  It seems like they could have figured out that to even offer me some dinner or a brief chit-chat may have helped.

I seethed over this for years.  When it comes right down to it, I have no control over what others do or feel and have unfortunately let a lot go that in "real life" should have been dealt with.  My anger only hurt me.  

Be straight up with your family about your bipolar behavior patterns and if they can live with it, that's wonderful.  If they can't live with it, just pray for them and let it go.  Easy to say, Hard to do, but so worth the peace you will get in return.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry. I have no idea what I meant with that mispelled word...it is probably truth, but you can just knock it out. Above is a first draft. written with a stylus and without glasses. Hope it is not too awkward to read.

[persephonedemeter]

Hello Moma. TLuckily, there are measures which one can  use to stop saying things to people, especially if you have OCD. One is going to take work and practice. That is to get into the habit to not say anything before speaking. Try it with someone who you don't have a contentious relationship with first. Like a casual conversation of some sort or a friend over coffee or tea or even the gardener or the mailman. It will feel odd, and it will take or seem like it takes forever being quiet qnd checking yourself before speaking, bit it gets easier and faster after awhile.

Next, another method to hold in lashing words, which is driven by anger, is a common technique...wearing a rubberband or somwthing like that on a wrist. When you feel like you are going into OCD mode and catch yourself getting cold and spiteful, you snap the rubberband on the wrist. Yes, it will smart for a few seconds, but it's basically giving you a safe outlet for anger and also giving you feedback not to do it. Friends and people who have OCD and get irritable or like to walk out in alot do that when they are trying to hold their tongue or keep from bolting out or throwing things.

Thirdly, you have to talk to someone who can guide you through all that stuff you call poison. If it isn't brought out, it get get bigger than what it really is. When it is out in the open, and looking at it, it isn't so magnified. With another set of eyes on it to help you see how distorted it got over time, you can cut ot down to size and it gets to be manageable to disarm it. By then, you can forgive and put it away.

Fourth, poetry is a great way to challenge it. You don't sound like you have writer's block. As you know, poetry is more than a well turned and tuned literary medium, it is also a consciousness and a conscience. In all poetry, I can take a glimpse or more of a person's mind or a teuth. Heavens, even in poetry that isn't very meaty, it is revealing and has at least more than one layer to it. It is an art form,afterall,and a musical language like literary a capella. It also involves work to fine tune it, and in that process, I speak for myself, I usually uncover and go through the mess and focus in to keep the content, flow and meaning clear, besides tightening structure and all the language clutter and tidying up. Then, I let it sit, and listen to it out loud. There is always more than what meets the eye when it is finished and done. As you know, performing it adds a new dimension and awareness. You are lucky  to be a poet in this regard. I think it is a good thing you swim. Then you know how important it to be aware of breathing and concentrating and thinking about nothing but the work of what you have your mind  to.

Eventually, the self loathing will dissolve and all those poisons you refer to once you take the dragon out of it's cave and evaluate and clean out it's hoard. I personally feel that there is too much mind clutter and hoarding of memories going on and it's making the pain of existence worse for wear. Ask your therapist to help you focus in on this, if you have one. It also helps if you have an honest, clear sighted friend who you respect and who you feel knows you well enough to care and not judge you.

Don't worry about losing things, faculty, control or people. Just focus on what you have now, not on what you may lose, and strengthen or see those as your strengths. It's time to look forward and see that good things can happen once you have a plan and a way to go about it.

I am giving you some ideas to open your mind to solutions and not despair  or feel overcome. It is challenging, but it's not too big to handle. Use your resources too.

[morna]

I think I've already said I write - mainly verses which it pleases others to call poetry. I'm in the process of publishing my 5th Maltese collection, and have 3 in English. And, yes, I do obsess, esp when suffering from self-loathing or when I have a crush (not too often now, thank God :))

[morna]

I agree with everything you say - what's more, it's the kind of advice I would give someone else myself - I always say that negative feelings only hurt the one who has them in the long run, unless they burst out unexpectedly as mine did
My problem is not what I should do, but how to stop myself vomiting negative feelings I didn't know I had - though they seem to erupt from my mouth they belong to someone with OCD or/and paranoia, and I know I am subject to both too - and everytime I take i've taken their measure.
Of course even the non-bipolar elderly can get fractious, impatient, intolerant and irritable, so I wonder if I am subconsciously already there without my being unaware of it.
Ah well, one must go on trying ...

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry, I made a grave error. I meant I forgave that man. Now I am wondering if I should have apologized, because  I wanted to kill him myself, because  of what he had done. However, that would put me in the same spot and be a lot like him.  

[weaver71]

It sounds like you feel similar to the way I do about it. As a youth I had high expectations of myself and everyone else. Enthusiasm runs high in mania too, I end up getting a bunch a people involved before I go psychotic. Embarrassing to say the least. I thought. I was multiple personality at one point, or possessed. It's like I rebel against my conscience in an excelleerated pace. I realized it was always my own voice in my head, not schizophrenic or multi personality, I sort of have one personality. I started writing again. If you're like me, you can obsess on a problem that needs solving. Is there anything like art or music that you could channel your thoughts into. Teaching I know has kept your mind busy, what do you like to do for fun? Any short term goals? What inspires you? Hope. I'm making sense, one of my oersonalities is typing while another is doing the thinking. You will find a way.

[persephonedemeter]

JustHelp123 said exactly how I feel about apologies. It is very true that the should stay a simple statement and not be followed with explanations, blaming,  and excuses for one's  behavior. . When there are statements of such following an apology, it turns the apology into an excuse, and it is no longer an apology.

People who are slighted usually don't see or don't want to know the complexities behind an "apology. " They just want to hear you admit your mistake, recognize it was wrong, own up to it, and know that it caused them harm.  All they  would see is the excuse and absolutely no responsibility from the one who hurt or insulted them. An apology with an excuse is just empty words, I don't even bother to respond. I usually feel that they just slathered a lot of icing on a lopsided cake that they baked to cover up their error or slight, and hope I'm gullible enough to swallow it and let it go. It's almost worse than not apologizing at all. It only serves the offender.

Like everyone else says, you  have to give a little time and distance for your daughter and yourself. For your daughter to get a little less upset to be open to hear you apologize  and for you to be open to take the words and criticism that you may not want to hear, but you are just going to have to take and accept. Afterall, she had to take your impromptu remarks. You hurt her. She has the right to sound out to you, if she chooses to do so. If she doesn't give you a piece of her mind, it actually may be more uncomfortable because she my still not be completely accepting and just giving you the gesture of acceptance or she may be taking the high road, and just forgiving you. It is up to her to show mercy and understanding...not you. It is up to her to forgive. Not you. If she accepts your apology, just thank her for it with sincerity and relief that she let it go.  It doesn't necessarily mean it's forgotten by her. Hopefully, you won't be repeating the offending behavior, because there will come a time that it is done one time too many that you will be written off as someone they don't really want to invite at happy occasions or be around.

If she wants an explanation or want to hear the reason why you were harsh or insensitive then that's when you can say something. Be prepared that she won't ask for an explanation. Be humble, but not a martyr.  If you feel like you need to clear the air, then wait for a later time when it can be done so when you and her are not sore about it anymore. If you are afraid you may die or be too incapacitated that the opportunity may never come and you need to shed light on why you were harsh, write a memoir or put it in a diary or journal. It's more for you, by the way. I rarely find that people truly understand what others go through until they work in the same shoes, and even then, people have differences.

Also, coping with resentment and bitterness doesn't mean that it was overcome. It means you have chosen to co-exist with it and hope it doesn't surface too much to release the poison. They are extremely strong, negative emotions and yes, they are brothers to jealousy and envy, and those are children to anger. They are usually laced with a sense of injustice and from that is born hatred and intolerance. They are a family of emotions that feed on each other. No one wins in that family. There are always bruises, cuts and festering wounds. They stay open and painful with the occasional splash of vinegar or sprinkle of salt into it. It is always an uphill battle with a great weight,  because there is no decent walkways or bridges.

I don't think resentment , bitterness and anger are in your past or put behind you. I understand that you are in Malta, and with your position and your husband's position, you require discretion and support groups may compromise discretion.. Hopefully you have someone who you can confide in and help get you to a point where you don't get eaten up by anger, resentment and  bitterness, because you are still struggling with it. Yes, the very hard course you had with all the debilitating, painful, and breathless physical issues take a lot of energy, strength and courage to deal with. I know it isn't easy and I know people just don't know what it is like. I've gone through it myself, and I wasn't always on my good behavior. When I wasn't, I either stay away from people because I never underestimate how awful I can be with people, I excuse myself and leave, and I apologize for my wrongdoing and mean it.  I make it a point not to repeat the offense and keep it in mind.

All I know is that I need and love my family and my friends more than my "bad" attitude and "disposition." You aren't required to be friends with your husband, but it is probably a good idea to not spend much time with him and to just extend him the polite courtesies that you would when you are on your best behavior with a stranger. As you know, it is probably that way anyway, because a narcissistic person has a very hard time with intimacy. If your children don't ask about your opinion of him, don't give it. I think they already know there are irreconcilable grievances between you and your husband since you are separated from him. Even as adults, children do not really enjoy hearing one parent out down another. They don't like to be caught in the middle or feel like they have to choose sides or feel like a ping pong ball, for the most part. They have their own issues too that they try to figure out about the family, separation and divorce.

Bitterness and resentment are terrible bedfellows and friends, and they ask too much and give little. Same with unthinking, destructive anger whether it runs in forms from spiteful words, sarcsm, underhanded or "veiled" insults,  name calling or belittling adjectives, tantrums, rage or unreasonable condemnations that aren't  used constructively and positively for decent change. It only causes absolutely no movement at all, or it's a lot of backpeddling to past wrongs. No one ever really erects monuments to bitter, angry people.

The only effective and fast way to remedy bitterness and resentment is to lay it down inside of yourself by disarming and making it small, and that only happens with forgiveness You  know when it is sincere when you know it is a very hard thing to do, takes away your pride, and yet the act itself is so simple and doesn't take much time. It holds a lot of power for the forgiver and the one who is being forgiven and it has the effect of thunder. I used to think I was too proud or incapable to forgive other people or myself. I have to say that once it is done, the immediate effect is pretty powerful and lightening. A great weight gets lifted off inside myself and for the other person. The hardest person I had to forgive was myself. The humblest moment was when I apologized to someone I couldn't stand to be in the room with. That was a person who killed someone I cared about. I was persuaded by my own father to do so, because he said he only wanted to bury one victim here. I thought he was out of his mind. He didn't want another one to throw herself (me) on the body by an all consuming hatred.  At that point, that was all that mattered.

You have time, but I wouldn't give more than 3 days to a week for space inbetween and I would think things over in the meantime and figure out what you want to do and what you really want to happen between you and your daughter. Like justHelp123 said. Apologize, even if it is an apology  as a phone message, hope for the best and take what she gives you. Let it grow from there. you are just planting a seed at this point and hoping she will do her part  to pat it down. It will take both of you to water and nurture it though. Keep that in mind.

[JustHelp123]

I'm sorry to hear that morna.  I also experience a lot of unanswered questions when my outbursts leave me bewildered.  I know what you mean about being cold and hard.  It is how I usually end up-- playing a role to make people feel like they have hurt me by being meticulously harsh, especially during my closing argument.  It's like I want to stick around and make them feel bad, rather than be agitated and push them away.  Sometimes, I just prod further into the topic and their actions, and end up getting more angered and obscene.  I recently started to base my interactions around what can keep me calm, not what I want to know.  I have finally accepted that there are just some answers I may never get.  As weaver71 has experience, I have those million-a-minute thoughts as to what my family members are thinking-- always negative-- even if I did something good.  I imagine them thinking, "He did good for once, well that's a change."

Sometimes I just ask what is on their mind before things get heated, and try to trust that they are being honest.  I might detail the situation to someone else, and ask their opinion on what the opposition is thinking.  At other times, I just get my space after telling them very briefly that I am upset.  Sometimes they will know why, and sometimes they won't.  I know if they think I'm upset for a reason, they probably already have a view that I will attack.  On the other side, lashing out when they absolutely don't understand why is a major problem-- it always ends with me burning bridges I often can't repair.  So I take my time, and forget the thoughts as much as possible.  I used to say, "If it bothers you when you wake up in the morning, say something."  I'm great at harboring and recycling negativity, so I've extended that time closer to a week.  That time really allows me a chance to vent and maybe ask for another opinion on the subject.  It seems like I can approach amicably later by doing this, and they behave as if nothing ever happened.  I know that I have an appetite for opposition, and just avoid touching those subjects which seem to spark conflict.  I have found some people can allow me to go into the subjects, knowing how to not further my anger-- and some just can't.  

If I do make the mistake of arguing and becoming resentful, I just wait a long time.  I'll distance myself from them for a few weeks, then apologize without getting into any specifics or blaming.  I just say, "I'm sorry about how things went the last time we talked."  It helps me to avoid a lot of self-blame, as well as me imagining their reliving of that moment.  Then, them being resentful of me isn't at the front of my mind.  I like to imagine that they are seeing I am making my hardest attempt to try to move forward.  

I am bipolar 2, so it is unlikely I can fully relate to the full extremity of emotions you experience.  My heart goes out to you, and your situation.  It sounds like you have a lot on your plate; it doesn't sound easy to deal with all of the conflict and suffering you have been through-- especially on your own.  I have had quite a number of family conflicts myself-- even going months or over a year without speaking to family members.  If space is what they need, sometimes I realize it is what I need also.  Not as punishment towards them, but for me to really evaluate the pros and cons of delving further into the arguments.  If peace is what I want most with them, sometimes I just can't be at peace with my argument.  I wish the best for your health and family situation, and also admire you for turning outward to get help.  I'm looking forward to speaking with you again, as I feel we have quite a bit in common.  Take care

[morna]

I didn't realise how resentful I could be till I was past my fifties, because I'd never been judgemental, and jealousy only came in the form of a wistful longing without envy before. The actual circumstances of my married life and separation are difficult to relate, also because of the stressful circumstances which exist in so small a community, which is still patriarchal and was extremely Catholic.
Later I thought I was resentful because Lithium, different anti-depressants and valium had kept anger at bay for so long, that I had never realised exactly how abused I'd been. I was initially just angry at my husband, and the way he had, as I saw it, manipulated the children against me. Though they love him very much (and I hope I contributed to that while they were growing) the girls made very sure they married men who would be mates, not bosses (neither husband is Maltese). I am very happy about that, but when I see what good marriages they have, and how present their husbands are when they are ill, have babies, or even share domestic chores equally, I feel so sorry for my own predicament that I get jealous. And the confusion engendered by conflicting feelings of happiness for them and stupid childish pity for myself takes it toll.
Unfortunately, when I try to explain how I feel, or what I went through to feel that way, they see it as my trying to blacken their father's image and won't listen, which makes me even more resentful of both him and them. But there seems to be no opportunity for closure when I have a relapse out of the blue. I myself am popular with the young who loved me as a teacher and like the poetry they study, so sometimes it seems like they are jealous of this fact too. It's even more complicated by the fact that their father is a VIP, but that's another story :(

[morna]

thank you - I usually do check myself in time but sometimes I am so overwrought that a sort of panic, which is cold, hard and desperate rather than agitated, creeps up so sneakily that it (rather than I) says things even I am shocked to hear. It's as though I'm in an a play only acting a part - everything becomes unreal, and this insensitive person saying things through my mouith which have nothing to do with what I feel inside, which is often miserable, scared, like a child. You see, I'm not that intelligent - why should you think so? Artists are often bipolar - it's a sort of escape from the way others see reality, perhaps. I don't know. I'm rather confused right now :) but thanks for your kind words x

[CRSeaside]

You are very intelligent.  To be sure we who fight this disorder must exercise restraint.   Force yourself at times to take a deep breath, think about what you are about to say.
  It's difficult to know how to get back on people's good side. Time heals wounds.  See if your Pdoc can get you into a Group Therapy. Or participate online. DBSA web site.   Pamela