Betrayal of trust

[DEJ4120]

I am still trying to own that I am bipolar and will be for the rest of my life. More and more I am beginning to realize all that it entails. I told only three people in the world about my diagnosis. The three people I trusted: my two daughters and my "all-purpose" friend (lover, confidant, comrade, best-friend, mutually supportive, known each other since we were in Kindergarten together). He is the closest person to me outside my daughters. Last night, I was justifiably frustrated and asserted myself in telling him that I felt that way. He said something to the effect of it being like before I was on meds. Now, my confidence is shaken. I fear that anything I say or do might be because of my illness. I will question myself. As far as he is concerned, I am sure he knows that things between him and me will never be the same. I cry for the loss. I don't want to spiral into depression.

My question is, how do you learn to not question yourself? I feel that I cannot tell anyone about my illness for fear they will use it against me or attribute any legitimate emotion I have to my illness or lack of medication. I am already feeling isolated because of this illness. How do you cope?

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Sounds like a real balancing act.  Hopefully treatment advances as quickly as possible so we don't have to deal with these things at least as much.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes well I do know from a while back that I was informed that in schizoaffective that mood stabilizers and antipsychotics have a crossover effect so if a mood stabilizer is too low psychosis can occur or an antipsychotic mood disruptions as they work together. Cognitive blunting is a common side effect. I can experience it with Catapres and with Vimpat which they are using as a mood stabilizer. I haven't really experienced any flattening of emotions except for old line antipsychotics such as Haldol and depending on dose lithium though each person has a different reaction to each medication. The balance between hypomania and cognitive blunting can be difficult to achieve and will be easier as treatment advances.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

This is interesting, the people at PACT told us it was common for meds that treat a person's mood to make a person "flat line" emotionally as you say.  I know when I took Geodon even though it's an antipsychotic, it caused me to not have any emotions at all.

[DEJ4120]

I do have support from my girls but I don't want to burden them with it. I know they are there if I need them. I am researching bp and I know that it will take some time before I know how it affects me. I will have to trust my feelings and offer no apologies for my actions and reactions. One good thing is that I am no longer frantic at the thought of losing him. I am healthier in that way. And I will grow. If he cannot grow with me and respect me and accept me in whatever state, he isn't a true friend and I will better off without him.

Thank all of you for the responses. You have each been very helpful. I truly appreciate it.

[Bluetwo]

There is a wealth of information on the web.
Do a google search by entering: The Everything Health Guide to Adult Bipolar Disorder and Google Books.

It's free....gives you nice tips especially about people to avoid. If you want to stay stable....keep away from negative people.

[Bluetwo]

The med's should put you on a even keel. You will still have your emotions and feelings  but they are not the crazy ups and downs. Things will be different and it takes a awhile to get use to as you become stable. Don't let your friend put you in a box with a label....your emotions and feelings are legit. If he doesn't like the new you then tell him to stuff it. He is basically ignorant about bp and you don't need to question yourself or isolate yourself. Sometimes you just out grow people especially if your working on your recovery program. Some people will be left behind when you start growing.

You got other people for support?

[freebird227]

When you are in the hospital and they have you hooked up to a heart monitor and things are beeping along at a good pace up down, up down, up down....... Now if the monitor flat lines _________ you are in trouble. So it is with our emotions.
Being on meds is not suppose to put you in a non feeling state,
It is suppose to help keep us in our confort zone...... but there is work to be done by us .With time and knowledge you will know what that work is....... In the meantime, keep a mood journal, learn what your triggers are, work on communication skills,and have peace in your life. ~~~~~

[ILADVOCATE]

I know it was hard for me at first as well but I learned to accept myself as a person with a psychiatric disability. I always and still do follow up with my psychiatrist but unless I am specifically discussing it I find it best for people I know without a psychiatric disability not to comment on my mental health life. As for people I know who do have one, peer to peer discussions that are done in a non judgmental manner are completely different. However for people you know that are close to you, support groups can be of help, including for NAMI friend and family support groups for people you know and there are also mood disorders support groups as well in most areas.