Hi China,
I had to do a double take when reading your post. You sound just like me! I've gotten so depressed and anxiety out I had to start going to a Counselor just so I could release some of the feeling I've been having. I feel like I'm a prisoner and my body has betrayed me. I was so outgoing, active, and most definitely happy and now it's pain and misery.
I most definitely understand nobody cares or truly listens. My husband and kids have been great but the rest of my family it's all about them. You always find out who truly cares about you in times like this.
I've been suffering with my back for 2 years now and with no to little help from the doctors. I struggle with sitting, walking, or standing. I go from being angry to extreme hopelessness. Even childhood trauma's have re-emerged and that has really made things worse.
I know the depression and anxiety is not helping my body. It was over a year before I could even take a shower by myself and it is still hard even with the bath chair. I have no to little contact with the outside world and when I do leave my home it is usually to the doctors or to the store which I hate. Just the thought of having to get up and ride sometimes is unbearable.
I do know talking can help even if its just for a little while, I take comfort in just the few hours I can have my mind at rest and ease. My husband is constantly have to tell me everything is going to be okay and I do know that but at this time and moment the light at the end of the tunnel is not in sight. The worst is knowing logically what is behind the mental part but yet the response, emotions, and feelings are so irrational. I become frustrated easily and that makes me more depressed.
Have you been to see a Counselor that you can talk to? Are you taking any medication for your depression? I have extreme phobia/fear due to other family members and I can't handle the thought of being zombie out like they stay along with addictions and that terrifies me because I know the same could happen to me if I started taking any type of medication for a period of time. I know I'm not suppose to compare myself to them but when you have been in Satan's den, I'm sorry, that fear is a realistic one for me.
I hope this will at least let you know your not alone and maybe even give you some comfort. Any time you want to talk just message me so I get it directly.
Best Wishes,
Stormy
Thank you Stormy I will be sending you messages thank you for your response. I do see a consuler and I am taking medication I think i've taken medication for the half part of my life. I am glad for you that you have a loving husband and kids I dont have that.. No one understand everybody seems to be too into there world. When I try to reach out to them is like Im talking to a brick wall no emotion there. That is the same way I feel with my therapist I've change twice and try so many different medications and trust me I've given them all a chance. My only wish is that god will put me out my misery I am never at peace.
I'm sorry you don't have the support of your husband and kids. Mental illness is hard for some to understand mostly due to they want take the time to try. To self absorb. Have they gone with you to any of your sessions? I don't know what I would do if my husband didn't support me. We have been together since I was 14 and he has seen me come up out of hell's den and the battle I had to go through to come to that place where I could be safe, happy and most of all have peace. It is a battle field of the mind but we have to overcome it and not let our adversities, trials and sufferings overcome us. We have to remind ourselves of this daily that we will overcome it and not be overcome'd!
Just know you are worthy of happiness and peace. Do you have any interest that can help you deal with some of your emotions? I used to do art and fishing. This always relaxed me and the art helped with release my feeling. I can't even paint due to not be able to sit or stand. It's kind of hard to try and even draw laying in a bed, but I did do one a few weeks ago, my daughter freaked out a little because the drawing was a little on the dark side, but it represented how I feel. She had never seen me do any kind of art like that before. But it allowed her to see how I was feeling and instilling compassion and understanding of how me being in pain for the past 2 years is doing to me. I know how difficult it can be to try and focus or mustard the energy but try to find something, reading, music, anything but DON'T GIVE UP!
Have you tried Effexor or Depakote? They seem to help my brother really well with his depression and stabilize his mood. I just don't care for the other medications he is own, they don't help him other than stay in orbit.
Like I keep telling myself, God has a reason for allowing this even though I don't understand. There are many days I wish He would just take me own if he's not going to heal me but all I can do is wait on Him and take it one day at time. Sometimes one breathe at a time.
I sent you a friend request. Any time you need to talk message me. I'm usually am on everyday to check my messages. This helps me talking with someone like you who can relate, I just pray it helps you just as much.
Stormy
Thank you for your words I have hobbys things I like to do but is like Im stuck in my own body in my own mind I cant get myself to do those things I feel so lil energy! I barely make it through the day.
Sent you a message, check your inbox.
Stormy