Avatar universal

Bipolar or borderline? Or both?

I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me for about 2/3 years now. My moods and Behavioural patterns follow borderline very much so, but there are some things I feel are inconsistent. I’m not overly terrified anyone’s going to leave me, but I am terrified everyone is going to die. I have intense emotions but also feel a disconnect where most bpd people would feel intense emotions, but it also depends on the situation. My boyfriend not texting me back never bothers me unless it’s in a certain situation. I’m very unpredictable. But I find I go through spurts of intense moods like that and being fine and wanting to move forward with my life. But it fluctuates. Like a couple weeks ago I got a text from my mom asking me how I do it, how I am so productive and happy, but now, about 2-3 weeks later I’m back in my anger filled, frustrated life where I’m getting so frustrated with myself I want to off myself. I’m never sure what it is because I work 6 days a week, 60-65 hours depending on the week. I don’t see daylight right now except at the office and on my one day off. I recently got a haircut that made me feel intensely ugly and I’ve been exhausted at work. I wonder if work is what drives my up and down moods or if my moods are what determines how work is going to go. Some 9.5 hour days flyyy by and im excited to be there and excited to start a career I didn’t want, and other days I cry at my desk because all I can think about is all the **** piling up at home and how little time I have to do anything about it. I can’t even really explain properly how I feel. I don’t believe I have bipolar but now looking at everything I do go through periods where all I am is an angry, frustrated, rushed *******. I have times where I’m confused about everything in my life, where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to be (I find this is more of a constant everyday thing. One day I’m wanting to move to a city 3 hours away and the next ill be staying Where Iam now and the next I’ll be in a different city 1 hour away and the next day I want to move back Home. Some days I love my boyfriend unconditionally and other days I have a hard time saying I love you back and feel like I want to break up. And the thing that confuses me and makes me not believe it’s bipolar is that I can have 2 or 3 great days, then have a bad day and then have another couple good days. To me there is no set “I was depressed last week and now I’m happy this week” sometimes there is but for the most part it’s more mixed than that. In the midst of my depressed weeks I can have a happy day or two. And it constantly seems like my life is in shambles. I’m a very messy person and I hate it, it’s now partly due to laziness and also tiredness from this new job and I didn’t even have most of my weekends because I was driving to Calgary to see my boyfriend in school, but he’s back now) anyways, I just really want to find out what’s wrong with me. Here’s the other stuff I either know I deal with or has been brought up/thought about: I am diagnosed with bipolar type 1 (I had an episode of something last summer but I was smoking a lot of poppers, half weed half tobacco, and I’m sure that had an effect) my psychiatrist diagnosed me with the bipolar, my counsellor sees more borderline in me. And I’m confused because I see a mix. I also have awful anxiety (not diagnosed but anxiety is obvious lol and we haven’t been able to do anything about it because of the bipolar) and there has been thought for a couple years that I might even have ADHD. Which again, overlaps with anxiety. Anyways, if you have any ideas of what could be going on I would greatly appreciate it. I also think I might have a touch of Münchausen syndrome and I will forever hate myself for that but I don’t know how to fix it and am too embarrassed to tell anyone about that side of me. I’m also scared that everything moving forward will only look like attention seeking. Only my boyfriend of over a year knows.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Bipolar disorder comes in different flavors these days, but if you had true bipolar, you would be alternating manic phases with depressed phases and you don't describe that at least on this post.  The other bipolar diagnoses are just the ways particular people manifest depression and are mainly used for drug patents and insurance reimbursement, they don't really affect how treatment will go.  The problem with your different diagnoses is a problem with psychiatry, not with you.  Some docs are quick to label you so they can get you on a drug and be done with you.   Diagnoses also are subject to the same fads as everything else in life -- the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use is written by docs paid by the pharmaceutical industry and are very controversial within psychiatry, which leaves us lay people really confused.  If you see enough psychiatrists one of them will eventually give you a questionnaire and make a diagnosis based on it despite barely having ever spoken to you.  What it appears to me is that you live a very unsettled internal life.  You hunt for diagnoses instead of examining the day to day moments of your life.  Because you're so confused, I'd recommend that before you label yourself something or other, and because you say you're an anxiety sufferer, get into therapy with a good psychologist and give it a few sessions to see what that therapist says about you.  You seem to function pretty well in life -- you have a job you're able to get to, you work hard, you're able to travel, you have a relationship -- and we all have relationships we're unsure of, that's not unusual or a symptom of mental illness, that's a symptom of your personality.  So slow down, talk to a therapist, and see then whether there's a diagnosis or a conclusion that you're just scattered right now, settled in to a job and a relationship but perhaps not ready to be settled in to that particular person or that particular job.  Don't know, just saying, try talking this out with a professional talk therapist first and then decide if you need to go a medical route.  But if you truly had bipolar, you'd  be much more disabled by life than you seem to be, and would be alternating between periods of hyper active productivity and crippling depression.  If you don't have that, you probably don't need antipsychotics, which if you are bipolar you would need to take.  But nobody on here is an expert or can diagnose you, and if you keep looking for a diagnosis, a label, you'll end up talking yourself into a place you don't want to be.  All the best.
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi!  I hope you come back and talk to us.  Bipolar is so different now in terms of how doctors talk about it and how it is assumed (and not assumed) to look.  There is bipolar 1 and bipolar 2.  My dear friend was diagnosed with bipolar 2.  She didn't fall into the typical pattern of highs and lows that people associate with bipolar.  But had enough similarities that she received a bipolar 2 diagnosis.  She started medication for it and it has been a blessing.  Lamectal I believe is what she has been prescribed.  Here is her issue though. She will take it, feel 'recovered' and good.  And want to stop her meds.  Sigh. It's a repeat thing she does over and over. And it wreaks havoc on her life with every interruption in treatment.  Her husband knows immediately when she's not taking her medication.  

Try not to self diagnose.  Münchausen syndrome is very complex, for example, and to meet the criteria of having that disorder would be  more than a 'touch'.  Are you harming yourself to look ill for attention?  If so, then yes.  Please talk to someone immediately.  No judgement.  Mental health is a moving target sometimes.

Anyway, let us know how you are doing!
973741 tn?1342342773
I wanted to circle back around and see how it is going.  I hope you are hanging in there and want you to know that we are here to 'talk' if you need it.  Sometimes it is nice to have an outside person to bounce things off of.  hugs
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