Bipolar boyfriend

[Anna9361]

Hi, I’m new here. You've probably seen this question before many times.

He was the kindest, sweetest person in the world. He did everything for me. He was always afraid I'd leave him. He hadn't had a girlfriend in 9 years. Anyone he dated would leave him. He was always worried I'd go. I didn't understand why. I was (am) very in love with him.

When we moved in together his family started having problems (mom and sister are schizophrenics) which fell on his shoulders. He made a stupid mistake at work and was in danger of losing his job. So he was quite stressed out. All these things happened at once. And that’s when everything changed. I knew he was bipolar and had been hospitalized twice before, but I had never seen it since the time I was with him.

He started calling me names, belittling me, pointing out my every character flaw. Nothing I did was good enough. Everything was my fault.I spent a lot of time crying. Sometimes he’d be his old self but most of the time he was awful. Not the person I knew. My therapist (who I see for PTSD, which I no longer meet the criteria for) told me to warn him that he seemed to be going into hypomania. My boyfriend said just because he’s not sleeping and needs to get things done means nothing. He’s busy is all. He needed to get everything done! And he seemed to hate me.

Finally, last week after telling me for the third time he didn’t want me there, I packed a bag. He changed his tune and begged me to stay, asking me if there’s anything he could say or do to change my mind. I left, told him I needed to think and would talk to him later. He looked devastated. His worst fear.

Two days later, I told him that I missed him, loved him and wanted to be with him. I told him I was aware that the way he had been acting was not him, it was his illness, and I was willing to work on it together to manage it. He wrote back he loved me, but that my mental illness was too much for him, and he thinks I need to work on that before I can be in a relationship. (I don’t have a mental illness).

He told me he was out of patience with me, that if I did one more thing he was done with me. Things like accidentally waking him up, imagined things (which he admitted) etc.). I told him I fix everything I do wrong or he complains about and that we were just learning how to live together. He told me I was doing a great job, but that he couldn’t be in a relationship, it was too much work, and I had to leave. He said because it was his idea that I moved in I could leave my furniture there until I found a place. He said all this emotionlessly.  

The next day I showed up with some boxes. He was completely emotionless.  He was wandering around the yard.  I walked past him at some point and he started singing ‘Hello, how are you?’ with a goofy grin on his face. Then I saw him later starting a fire and burning branches with one hand and washing a trailer with the other.  Then he was raking leaves.  He was all over the place. I went out and told him when I’d be back for more stuff.  He started making small talk with me, like he was speaking to a stranger, not someone who’s father he had just told he loved very much one week before. It was kind of creepy.

Last night, he started texting me, asking how my day went. Then he started calling me. I didn’t answer. I was staying at a friend’s house, angry with him. Then I found out he was calling my friends trying to find me and asking weird questions like if there were any parties around and if I was at them (it was a Tuesday). I thought maybe he’d finally come around and realized his mistake.

So I called him back and I asked why he called my friends. He told me that I hadn’t responded to his texts so he called my friends because he needed to ask me a question about the washer and dryer. Really weird – we don’t share friends. And he’s never called them before. And the washer and dryer question really wasn't important in any way.

Sorry for the length, but I am truly heartbroken and writing can be cathartic.

I want to know if he was hypomanic and when I left I pushed him into full mania.

I want to know if he is in mania and when he comes out of it (how long will it last?) will he come back to me.

I want to know what's going on in his head.

And I want to know why he’s so emotionless. Does he really have no feelings or is that the mania?

Thanks for reading. I need to know if I should move on or wait a bit.

[Bubulous]

Of course he will remember Anna.  He will remember everything and unfortunately, or at least in my case, the hypomanic parts are going to take the front seat.
If he were in a full on manic state than I may say different because it is a little more unstable.
I am glad you got a job and am glad you are ready to move on.  This was just a part in your life and I am sure you are going to do great things.  Keep your head up.

[achillea]

My son has bipolar disorder and has said and done amazingly cruel things.  I asked my psychiatrist how my son would remember these things if/when he accepted treatment.

The shrink replied--quite sensibly--that a bipolar's memories were as real to him as those of anyone else.  In the years that have passed, I haven't seen anything in our son's behavior to indicate that kinder memories have replaced those he had when he was psychotic.

[Anna9361]

Thank you for your responses and for reading. This is such a horrible time for me. Until today I haven't heard from him. I still have some hope though, but you're right, I need time and space to think about if I can be in a relationship with him at all. I think it's over though. He's not coming back.  

I just went to pack up my things today. He was pretty robotic. He made me sign off on the insurance 'in case we never see each other again'. He said that coldly.

I think i figured out what happened, but I have one final question.

I lost my job a while ago and have been desperately looking for a new one. When I moved in with him, he was basically supporting me. He did everything for me. Drove me to appointments, therapists, etc. Finally I was given a car and he no longer needed to drive me. I was doing things for him that I could to show him I love him. I wanted a job so badly to be able to provide more for the relationship. I've never been unemployed before, and before I met him I was making more money than him and very independent. He met me when i was unemployed and often says 'If you were employed you never would have been with me in the first place.'

Anyway, he would complain about things and I would immediately change my behavior. He did keep commenting on how much better I was getting. It never seemed to be enough though. He still hated me. I think in his hypomania, his perception of me changed and spiraled his thoughts out of control to make him think I was using him or freeloading off him or something. 

My question is, when he gets out of hypomania will he remember all the things I did to show him I loved him? When he was being nice and I brought up horrible things he said to me his response was 'I would never say that.' Like he didn't remember. And I believe he truly didn't remember.

I just need to know if he'll remember me as a user or as someone who truly did love him.

I just got a job yesterday. Now I guess he'll never know I would have stayed.

Thank you guys, I'm starting to get less confused and I need to get ready to move on.

[Bubulous]

You have received some great advise.  The stress of him dealing with his family was likely the spark that lit the fire and although there is no excuse for the way he treated you there are reasons and I have personal experience with that.
In most, if not all, of my relationships the beginning started the same way.  First I had to be ready for a relationship which meant that I wasn't depressed but likely hypo-manic.  I would dive in feet first into the relationship progressively closing everyone else out as I grew closer to the person I was starting the relationship with.  Everything would be fine until something would happen that demanded more of me than I had or wanted to give.  Much like his problems with his family.  When that stress built up I could no longer manage a relationship along with dealing with the other problems (family, work, addiction).
So then I would cut off the relationship with the person and a lot of times I would be mean about it.  I would say that the woman was doing something wrong or not trying or she didn't love me.   I would feel but not always say that they were stupid and sometimes that they could do better than me.
Sometimes the breakup would only last a day before I came back begging for a another chance.  Sometimes it would be a week.  Most of the time it finally ended when the woman had taken too much.
He needs to know once his mind settles how much he hurt you.  The main thing is, like quietgirl said, he needs to seek treatment and medication will likely be necessary to help him balance out.  Conversations on the phone are ok but try to avoid any personal contact until you feel safe and your sure that he is ok.  Let us know how everything is going.

[thatquietgirl]

I mean this to give you food for thought.  This relationship can be salvageable, but only with some great effort and genuine desire on both parts.  I would suggest giving him some space.  Don't address any efforts he has to spider out and contact your friends and ask them to do the same.  Don't even respond to him except maybe once to say that you'd like some time and space to think.  Because this really needs some hard thought.  Right now it's fresh and it really hurts, and it's harder to see things clearly.  Even when we love someone, sometimes we need to weigh out the relationship and whether it's right for us.

He definitely sounds like he was experiencing an episode, BUT that doesn't make what he did ok.  It does not excuse belittling one's partner even if thinking those thoughts.  If he's so deep he can't even tell he's in an episode and he's trying to blame you and even say your "mental illness" is too much for him (as opposed to those who have them and triggered him), he doesn't have his mental health under control and this relationship could be very, very toxic and unhealthy for you.

If you decide to take him back at any time, you need to set some conditions and stick to them.  Conditions such as him seeking therapy and, if he is open to it, perhaps some medications.  He doesn't sound like he's managing his illness, and he needs to make some decisions himself about his wellness.  Sometimes, as hard as it is, some family members are toxic to our health and are BAD triggers.  

For me, it's my dad.  I'm working to cut down on the time spent with him and such as I know he is.  I have decided on some hard limits if he wants to continue a relationship with me.  I have bipolar disorder, type one with auditory and visual hallucinations during episodes, and his narcissistic personality and manipulation at my own expense only harms the ability I have to manage my illness.

This man is going to have to decide what he's going to do for his mental health, and it may take some time for it to register just how toxic/triggering his family is to him.  But he does need to work on it for your sake.  If he really loves you, he will put forth his best effort.  Does that mean perfection or every equal becoming completely non-symptomatic?  Of course not.  It's a brain chemical imbalance.  However, he does need to consider how it makes you feel and how much it hurts you when he exhibits these behaviors.  That's part of caring about someone.

Once he's sought some help for a while, ask him for a joint session where you can attend and discuss his symptoms, triggers, etc., and what you can do to help and what behaviors in the midst of an episode can hurt rather than help things (i.e., saying that or asking if he's manic/depressed might be the wrong approach in the middle of an episode but there may be some way to address it that isn't, etc.).  I had such a session with my boyfriend a few months into our relationship and it helped him to understand my illness to a degree.

[TheLightSeeker]

Hi Anna.

I'd say do a trial separation, give a chance to each of you to let the dust settle down, the opportunity to reflect and not react.

Ultimately,you are the only one responsible for your happiness, as you cannot control others, only yourself and the same with your bf.

Be grateful to your feelings for making you more aware of the need to pay attention to how this situation is affecting you, as this is your Life, after-all.

Love and Light

Niko