Hello.
I've been in a relationship for about 3 years
My ex-boyfriend used to be so good. The after a year he started to change and life was like hell with him. He abused me with very bad words. He insulted me and my family all the time with words that no feelings can handle. During the second year, i never felt i had the power to leave. I was so weak and i used to cry every single night hoping that by the morning this nightmare will end. I was afraid that if i decide to leave he would hurt me and i couldn't handle this issue alone. Until the beginning of the third year, i started getting stronger. I was able to leave him, but the end was not so sweet. He hit me and insulted me to an extent that i had to hit him back and my nails got in his neck and blood got out.
After that, he remained coming after me and scaring me that he will hurt me or any of my close people at any moment.
However, all these years of pain included a big drawback in my university grades. I used to be the first in my class and then i barely passed my courses. I tried so hard to overcome what i've been through but i couldnt do that alone. I had to visit a psychologist. I was diagnosed with bipolar and hyperactivity. Prior to that also i was diagnosed with Graves disease. I took many medications.
About 2 years ago, the psychologist stopped my medication.
But i've never felt i'm back to normal.
I have a new boyfriend who is a real man and he always helped me in my struggles.
But i can never trust him. Anything he does makes me angry. When i'm angry , i feel i lose myself. I start crying and crying. And i say very bad things to him or to anyone in front of me. I feel i can't cotrol any of this. And he is starting to fear me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so useless and depressed. Nothing makes me happy in life. I keep on thinking all the time. I feel like my head is having cramps on the forehead.
I don't know if i've ever been cured.
I don't want to lose the good people around me and i don't want to hurt them. For this reason' i'm starting to hurt myself just to get rid of my angriness. But no one is understanding me.
I get awful dreams like drowning or being betrayed or being killed and things i can't explain.
Please help me.
Thank you so much :)