Difficulty in Diagnosis? Bipolar II 2, MDD? What??

[andsoitgoes]

I'm a 27, soon to turn 28 year old male.  I have what seems like a good life.  I have a wife, two kids (twins) and a house.  I have a good job, it's stable and to normal people on the outside I seem like I'm in good shape, mentally at least.

Inside, however, I feel anything but the case.  I can't even think back on a time that I didn't feel overwhelmed, able to focus or concentrate on much.

Does my schoolwork show it?  Yes, and no.  In Grade School, I did okay.  Nothing great, nothing horrible.  Junior High was horrific, the first year at least.  I needed glasses, second year of Junior High my grades were good enough to put me into the "Honors" program in my high school.

Come high school, I flunked almost every class in my first semester.  I wasn't able to apply myself, "understand" Shakespear, focus to put together the information needed to do papers.  I went back to the standard program and did okay in grade 10, much better in grade 11 and then aced damn near everything in grade 12.  I used to do great in math, and then I didn't.  

Then came life after school.  It was far from the norm, I went to a community college as I had no money, scholarships, etc to go to anything but.  I failed at that as I had no drive or determination to get things done.  After that I moved countries (to Canada) and then tried things here.

Being outside of school I had to start on a path to where I had to "prove myself" more, it seemed.  When I started, it all seemed okay and fine.  I got interviewed and accepted by the first job that wanted to see me.  Shortly after starting that job, my attention was brought to all of my flaws (have someone pay you money, and they don't try to sugar coat things).  I actually looked back to see how I had difficulty composing emails, talking with people.  I came across like someone who is ESL and who struggled with communication.  I've since improved, through focus and a lot of energy - but even writing this I'm going all over the place, and I know in the end I'll look back and realize just how much I've either missed or how disorganized my thoughts are.

I've been very luck at future jobs or "career" moves, all which have been great for a honeymoon, and failed shortly thereafter.  Do I get presented with repirmands for poor jobs?  No.  Do I get fired?  No, I actually have gotten promoted, believe it or not.  

However, I've never been able to really be a creative thinker, I can't come up with ideas even when I try, and then it seems like I'm expending every single bit of energy I have in me.  

I almost always feel like I have a "cloud" in front of my head, and that I'm trying to push through it.

I have no friends, really.  Sure I've got a lot of people on my "Facebook" but I talk to barely any.  MOST times I can't have a serious conversation with anyone, not something meaningful.  I'm always having to fight to try and be sociable.  I want to be.  A few years ago I decided I needed to try it on my own (as my wife and I got married when I was very young, she was that "one connection" that was there and it seemed right, does even more now - and with her being so supportive) and I used to try and be sociable all the time.  However, I'd be so stressed during those times that I wasn't able to be sociable.  I used to stress how I'd feel an hour into a social event, or even less - when I lose my 'zing' - usually I have the stamina to be sociable for the first hour, and then I turn into a zombie.  Nothing then gets that energy back.

I have huge depressive swings that I feel suicidal (and no matter how bad it's gotten, I've never "planned" suicide, just thought a lot A LOT about just not being around) - my "up" phases are for the most part "normal" - not much more.  Although I have gone through periods where I'll skirt duties (like when I had my "own business") and play video games, or go shopping.  I also, before that, would go shopping and spend money I didn't have.  I got myself into about $12,000 of debt in a period of 2 years.  

I've been tentatively diagnosed now with "Bipolar 2 II", which I'm confused about.  I know I exhibit symptoms of mixed-depression.  I know I have symptoms of ADD.  I know I can't function normally to an extent I need to (previous jobs were at an Internet Marketing company that was all of 10 people when I started, and I slowly got "found out", then at an online company which had a lot of people, and my tasks were, well, different) - I most times struggle with simple tasks, but sometimes can complete complex ones.  It takes all of my energy to try and put my thoughts in order, and then it ends up disorganized when I actually have the energy to do anything.

I'm almost always fatigued, or lacking in desire to do anything.  If I had my way, 24/7 I'd just be laying, watching TV or doing nothing.  I was always fatigued, but THIS has come in the last 10 years.  I was always a bit lazy, but never this bad.  

I'm always overwhelmed.

ANd I'm lost.  I have a GP that wants to help, very badly she does.  In Canada it's not "easy" to go see a Psychiatrist, and the thought of going to see a "bad" one scares me.  

I'm just lost.  I need some guidance, I need someone to help me figure out what's going on and how I can fix it so that every day doesn't end with me feeling so drained that I never want to get up again.  I don't always need to be "up" - but I can't take anymore of always being down.

Nick

[chrisn0va]

Nick;

can you email me your diet??
write down everything you put in your mouth over the course of a day or, to be more effective, a week... you could be allergic to some of the things you are eating...
I have lived with this for quite some time.. and even to this day i can enter that FOG you speak of and forget everythign that I've discovered about my own mental health.. But, having this day recently come out of a fog that lasted the last week or so, Im quite convinced its because I was consuming this product called "COFFEE MATE" I know that I am allergic to milk and I Avoid it. I can drink it but I become highly congested and not too-quick mentally if i do.. and when i become foggy thats when i become agressive aswell.. its like i know something is wrong with me, but you are unable to put your finger on what it is.. or do anythign about it at the time.. sound familiar??

[chrisn0va]

Hey Nick hows it goin man!
Why dont u add me on facebook so we can talk.
im on there as "chris nova"
Toronto network.. if your on there...

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504381183

[andsoitgoes]

Sorry - I didn't define anything as far as meds go.

I've tried, in no specific order:

ADs
- Effexor
- Wellbutrin
- Paxil
- Prozac
- Zoloft

Misc
- Ritalin
- Xanax
- Ativan

I hate things like Xanax and Ativan because they make me feel WORSE than I do normally.  The ADs have done nothing, other than side-effects, no matter how long I've taken them or how I've increased the dosage.

I've also gone to see a psychiatrist who basically did "talk therapy" with me and thought I seemed "normal and put together", but each session only consisted of me talking about my symptoms, always thinking of an end solution.

He gave me a prescription and I never went back.  I've since tried most of the ADs after that (having tried Effexor, Ritalin and Xanax) still with the same lack of results.  I haven't gone to see a psychiatrist.

I'm CURRENTLY on Zyprexa from my GP, it's been just under a week.

I think that's all

Nick