Do I have mental or personality disorder?

[essisofia]

Hi!
I have had problems with my mentality since I can remember and always though maybe this is normal and we all go through the same, but recently my mind has gone to that point that I'm not sure how can I survive if this continues.
I feel like I have no emotions from time to time, for example when my parents got divorced way back I didn't cry, I starved myself to anorexic but my goal wasn't losing weight I just didn't know how to react. The christmas and birthdays are the worst because I try to give some expressions to even look happy but they seem fake and people think I am a huge jerk.
My thoughts are always running and I can't concentrate. Sometimes when I'm feeling very down till  depressed my mind takes me to the edge and I all wish that there would be some way to shut it down. And this has made me drink sometimes but I got close call to alcohol poisoning so I had to start thinking other ways to go out of my head. Luckily I am quite creative personality so I escape into drawings but usually when I draw I'm not okay and the drawings end up looking dark and I can't restore any of them.
But what's even more weird that I am either almost overly hyper, happy and extited about everything or I'm depressed. And it doesn't take that much to come from the most happy to deepest sadness. I fear the moment when I lose it and this takes my life.
So please could someone help me? What's wrong with me?

[essisofia]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! You have no idea how hearing that other people have same experiences helps me and calms me down so thank you! This courages me to contact doctor! Thank you!

[persephonedemeter]

You must feel pretty alone, and I feel for you that you are being picked on because you shared something that no one else goes through and lack compassion about. I don't know what doctors you saw, but I agree that you should see a pyschiatrist, because it sounds serious and, if anything, you do sound depressed.

had "people in my head" too, and, like you, some friends couldn't handle that at all.My family certainly didn't. This was when I was in my late 30's and 40's. It also sounds like you have a hard time coping. I wouldn't worry too much about your artwork being dark. There is nothing wrong with having it turn out that way, but everything wrong when you keep it inside. You may not be crying, but that is how you are expressing your state of mind.

Also, it is pretty hard to smile when you don't feel like it. I remember when one of my well meaning friends told me I should try smiling and maybe I wouldn't feel so sad, and when I did it was pretty obvious that the smile wasn't real, that she told me to forget about doing it She said it was worse than when I just looked sad. Normally, a smile is part of my day. I would suggest doing a "half smile." It is the kind of smile people do when they are focusing inward, especially during meditation. It is neutral.

Also, sleep disturbances that affect your mood and psychological state is not okay. When I don't get any sleep and don't feel like I need it for days, my doctor gets really nervous, because it usually ends up with depression. He loves it when I sleep for 6 to 8 hours a day.

Alcohol will only make you more miserable. So will not eating. I've done all that, and all it did was make things harder. What you need is support and understanding without being judged and without fear of being betrayed. Also, helpful guidance and direction to better coping skills that don't hurt you.

Yes, in different countries and cultures or even different regions within a country, people view and treat mental illness in different ways. It doesn't mean that it will be impossible for you to get the help you want and need. It sounds like you are able to get help from the medical community in whatever country or region you are in. I would focus on getting that psychiatrist evaluation. I seriously doubt from what you wrote, that a psychiatrist would say you are "just going through a phase." Hang in there, and keep trying to get that help.

[rogelio63]

I have bipolar disorder and I kind of knew it beforehand. You do need to talk to a mental health professional to get an accurate diagnosis. A lot of people have similar symptoms with a thyroid disorder. If you do have bipolar disorder and treat it, it could be like turning over a whole new leaf for you. Talk with people on here. There's a lot of good support on here.

[007Bunny]

Hi, great that you are trying to find out what is going on with you. I felt very confused when I started to think that I am bipolar. I red everything what I could find just to confirm it. It worked like a huge relieve for me and I also started to treat it. I believe that you are in that 'confusion' stage. All what you described sounds like bipolar but the proper diagnose can be done only by psychiatrist. I had also times when I slept 3 hours a day and was happy and very productive ( I was hyper!) and when I slept 3 hours in the night, woke up depressed and anxious and was unable to do anything and slept all days.
You can find many similar stories to yours in this forum.
I think you kind of 'know' as you wrote here on Bipolar forum. You should get appointment with psychiatrist to get diagnosed. All the best. Marie x
Ps: English is also my second language - but who cares ;)

[essisofia]

My story is already quite long but I forgot to mention that I have really bad problems with sleeping. It weird how sometimes I can sleep 3hours and Im normal but sometimes it's unbearbly tiring. And I have even been the doctors because of the sleeping problems but they thought I had everything right so they were assuming it is just a phase. Also I was picked on because once I told my friend that I talk to people in my head. It's weird but I can have talks in my mind but they're in my head. In someway I like it because I can escape the reality and my true mind.
I want to point out at this point that searching for help is really big thing for me because part of me doesnt even want to know but I need help.
(sorry for my english, that's not my mother language)