new to all this & exhausted

[tegleha]

i have been with my fiance for  4 years and it has been a helluva rollercoaster ride.  in the past he had me convinced the fights were caused by me (but i knew better).  he has left me at least 7 times.  he is mean cruel and abusive when he is going thru this phase and always threatens to leave me.  his face , posture, voice actually change . i feel like i am looking at the devil when he does this.  he actually appears to enjoy hurting me.  the more he can hurt me emotionally the more he enjoys it and picks up more energy. the things he says are so awful i am embarrassed to repeat them to my friends or family.  he tells me he doesnt love me and that he never has (that is the nicest things he says when he is going thru this mood swing.  he becomes selfish and narccissitic and wants to be free to run on his motorcycle for weeks at a time without ever having to explain where or what happened and he doesnt want to be questioned.  then after that cruel phase passes and we are back together he becomes the sweetes most loving person ....makes plans 4 our future together, can't stop telling me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me. he is patient and understanding , he apologizes for little things he does and he becomes very romantic and sentimental.  from what i understand he is a rapid cycler because it usually happens about once every 4-6 weeks and sometimes has even more intense episodes every 3 months.  i have kept track of all of this about 6 months into the relationship because i never understood what was happening . i just knew it was cyclical.  he has been married 3 times. (that should have been a heads up).    my sister is bipolar and together we figured out this was what was probably happening to him.  he finally has noticed that this sounds like him and he is going to see a dr in 2 weeks.  right know we are split up because he cant handle anything right now...'ESPECIALLY ME" is what he has told me .  he does the same things as my sister.  he hangs signs on his front door that he doesnt want to see anyone. he stays in bed sleeping all day , he loses weight and blames me , he get anxious nervous and irritable and blames me , if i try 2 say or do anything he blames me and throws me away as usual.  like my sister he always want to run away, is depressed sick of his partner, sick of life etc. etc. and u cant talk to either one of them when they are in this pahse because they become overwhelmed and their brains get flooded and the get really angry then.   the thing i dont understand is......in all my reading on different websites the wives always want to leave the abusive bipolar husband , but i want to do just the opposite,  i want to stay with him because i know he is in pain and is a good man in there, i love him.  by the way my sisters husband feels exactly like me....he does not want to leave her even when she tells him she doesnt want to be with him anymore.   my question is ........do any of your husband ever try to control everything by telling you THEY DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE??  or are my brother in law and myself the only two who ever get threatened with those awful words???

[tegleha]

DLA thank you so much for your reply.  i just have no idea where bipolar symptoms end and plain old abuse & selfishness begin.  if he is just  emotionally abusive and self involved then im getting out.  but if these are truly symptoms of bipolar for some people then i dont mind waiting to see how things go.  i know i am not thick skinned enough to take the emotional abuse.  ive read about a few women whose husbands do this during an episode...but dont know how prevelent it is?  my sister seems to think it just goes hand in hand for some bipolars -  that is,  they want to run away and be by themselves, feel like lashing out at the people they love (destroying the relationship) , and often feel the compulsion to "chuck" it all & start over (even tho they dont actually do this very often).  i hope others also follow your lead and respond to my post, because i wonder if this is something that others are just too ashamed to admit happens.  thanks again    

[DLA]

If he gets the help he needs great!  If he stays on his meds like he's suppose to excellent!  By all means stay and work things through with him and be his loving partner.

IF he doesn't do any of these things and stays the way he is, get the heck out!!!  This is coming from a bp person.  I'm married and have a good life, but if at some point I go off my meds and don't do what I'm suppose to he has every legitimate reason to take off on me.

I know a lot of women who put up with men like this and they just take it.  Life is too short and precious to live like that.  They need to get out also!