Emotionally abusive bp's

[tegleha]

please see my original post on April 17th  under the title of "new to all this and exhausted" .  i feel this title about emotional abuse is more to the point in describing my concerns.  any insight you can give me will be greatly appreciated because im at the place where you cant see the forest, because of the trees.  Also thanks for your reply DLA. it was good to hear from someone that is bp.

[tegleha]

thanks jen813. i'm so sorry that you are going through the same type of things & manage your bp on top of that. as far as it taking a toll on my self esteem, that ship has sailed. after 4 years of his mixed emotions im no longer the same person.  i have gone from being outgoing easy going and adventurous to having panic attacks so often that i'm on medication and in therapy.  your letter has given me pause....why am i doing this to myself? maybe all the love in the world wont help him to be a kinder more considerate person.  maybe he is just an abusive person even if he took care of the bp.  i've been wondering alot about that lately and thats why i decided to finally reach out and ask people that live with bp.  i'm sad and confused most of the time and that definitely isnt the person i used to be.  i feel like i'm living with mr. hyde out of the old dr. jekyll and mr hyde movie with spencer tracy.  i saw the movie the other day and it hit so close to home that it made my stomach queasy.  i'm not blaming it all on him.....something must be wrong with me to allow this to happen.  (or does it just slowly do its sneaky ugly little dance under the guise of getting better and so by the time you start to figure it out , it has already worn you down , made you tired and make you doubt your self worth?)  sorry so depressing ....but i guess its time to start dealing with it and sometimes that can be unpleasant eye-opening business . thanks again for the heads up and i wish only the best for you also.  

[Jen813]

My heart goes out to you for so many reasons!!  I admire the fact that you want to work this out with your fiancee and help him get back on his feet.  I agree that he needs to seek counseling, but he has to continue to do it and work at it.  It is going to be a long ride.

On the other hand, I am in a situation where my husband (who isn't bp, but I am) is extremely emotionaly (and at one point physically) abusive.  I always thought that things would get better.  It hurt really bad, but I thought if I just don't do this or I just leave him alone or whatever things would change.  Unfortunetly they have not.  There are two things that you really need to remember.  While yes, he really does sound like he has a major mood issue, that is kind of the way that abuse works:  It comes on, it's horrible and then in order to pull you back it switches off again (ususally done subconsciously).  It will get better, sometimes even better than it's ever been and then the cycle will start all over again.  That's just the nature of the beast (meaning the abuse).  The other thing is that you have to remember that you have to make YOU happy.  I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but if you can't be happy, then you can't have a healthy relationship.  If his putting you down and saying mean things and taking off on you is really hurtful and makes you sad and depressed then you can't possibly be there for him even if you really want to.

I am not by any means saying that you should leave him.  I think that if he gets in to see someone and goes to counseling and sticks with it then the two of you can work things out together.  You do need to lay some laws down though and tell him exactly what you will tolerate and what you won't.  Even if he is bipolar there is no excuse for his behavior, and he can not use it as an excuse.  He needs to take responsiblity for the way he's treated you.  If he will let you, go to counseling with him so you might better understand what is going on with him.  You should find someone to see yourself too so that you can feel better about you.  You might not be able to see it now, but years of this emotional abuse will really put a damper on your self esteem and change you in ways you never thought it could.  Take it from someone who used to be extremely outgoing and friendly to someone who doesn't even want to say hi to the pharmacist because he might think she's a 'bad' person.

I hope that you can work things out.  Please let us know how things are going.  Take care of yourself and good luck.