Have you ever given up?

Question

I know this is a rhetorical question for which there is no answer...I just need to "talk" to someone out there who might get it.  Where do you go when you are just tired of it all and have givenup on it all?  Tired of all the meds and changes in meds and the side affects...still having high's/low's.  Feeling that no one "hears" you or understands.  Feeling like you can't find the words to say what you are feeling anyway and don't trust anyone enough to say them to even if you could.  You can't find a place to go to just be still.  You feel that any decision you make is the wrong one and that any decision you make for yourself is selfish and therefore wrong.

This isn't about suicidal ideation...somehow that's not here this time (so I guess one of the drugs is working).  This is about that feeling where you are standing out on the "edge" with no support, no direction, no hand to hold or grab on to and the only thought in your head is "what the hell do i do now?"

...and please don't tell me to go inpatient or see my therapist or my psychiatrist.  I'm sick to death of them and trying to get them to hear me.  I get the lecture "I'm not here to tell you what you want to hear, I'm hear to tell you what you need to hear" enough.  I don't want to just be "told".  I want someone to hear my voice...or help me put a voice to the things inside and then help me find a road out of this forest.

I guess in the mean time I'll just out here on this ledge and try to keep my balance.

Thanks for "listening" to my rant.

opus88 · Answer

Our 'rants' are important they all give us some relief.
I have no answers for any of you just wanted u all 2 know that I care so please everyone keep hanging on that ledge and keeping you're balance.....

opus88 · Answer

I feel for you in you're torment....I'm so glad you have found a good doctor who will listen and help you!
trust in this doctor, there are medications that will help bring you out of you're hell...it may just take time to find the right ones, please be patient and  hang in there for yourself and you're children who love you and count on you.
you are never alone in you're pain

Xila31 · Answer

Sometimes when I feel like that I realize I have no where to go. It is everywhere and I can't get away. It gets so frustrating I just want to scream. And then something will happen. Like my husband will randomly walk up and start rubbing my shoulders. Or at work I will walk around and someone will catch my attention and I will talk to them. Then I feel a little better. But, in the end I don't know what to do and I just hope for some form of intervention. I get trapped in my own looping thoughts so it is hard for me to escape them.

hell1971 · Answer

Hey just wanted to say this, I have been rapid cycling in mixed states since last year and am too sick of the adjustments to the meds ect.. and all that goes with that. I had had enough and didnt think I could do this any longer, I feel alone in this battle, I feel so fragile like Im constantly sitting on an edge not knowing if im going to go up or down. I saw my doctor on wednesday and he showed so much empathy and reached into my heart to trust him that he will make it better for me and if this meant he had to stand on his head to prove to me he would fix this he would. I guess this has extended my will a little as he was soo soo genuine, he didnt pretend to understand but he did sympathise it has given me some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I think he new I was not seeing the light but he found the right words to encourage me to hold on, I have four kids and i am just holding on for them, this has to stop at some point it always has, I have always come right eventually without meds so now im on meds it should theretically come sooner. Not sure if this is any help at all but I think i know what you are feeling. "internet hug from hell"

jennstuff · Answer

I really understand what your saying,,I too am lost at words of how i truly feel,,And am sick of repeting myself to doctors who seem not to really lisen,,I sit in my house every day woundering what do i do,,I not only have bp i also suffer from social anxiety,,So i even have a hard time going to the store,,,I have no life no friends n a 14 year old son,,who is dealing with emotional problems himself,,I know what you mean when you say your sick of the med changes ,,side effects,,n the highs n lows,,

ILADVOCATE · Answer

No its not a rant. It makes sense. For myself I had to work with the system to define my own recovery and deal with a fair share of what were at the beginning unknown adverse side effects. Also some of my family members that I depended on for rationality once I understood them more turned out to have their own set of mental issues. I wouldn't want anyone to be in this position nor have to take this stance but the best thing if you are not satisfied with the medications you are on and how they help you find out more about currently available medications as they are an increasing number for bipolar and have a close conversation with your psychiatrist and ask them exactly how they can help you and explain your needs. The more knowledge I gained and asked for what I needed but remained respectful of my providers the more help I got in return.