When in doubt, throw them out

[Bluetwo]

I returned to school to do my subbing job. It was very difficult going back to the same school where my episode happen. It was very difficult talking to people who were involved. Idle chit chat with them is very awkward. I feel uncomfortable being around people who were present during my episode. Nobody got hurt....its just my pride. They say "pride will come before a fall" but for a BP its the fall that got my pride. I still have unresolved issues and I feel I might cause a incident by making the situation worst by saying more stupid things. When I'm at the school building I just get aggitated and I would come home depressed. This is not helpful for me. I need to pull in my mooring and shove off because the chemistry is not right....and toxic for everyone.

.....so when in doubt throw them out like what you do when you smell some cole slaw that went bad. I gave it much thought and I decided not to go to that school because I was reliving the garbage I went through. I called the sub coordinator to tell her I don't want to be in that school until the next school year.

The next school year will mean the people involve will move away from the district or retire.

I think they feel awkward about what happen and don't know what to say except how my mother is doing. They feel that I had my episode because of my ill mother. This just aggitates me because its not about my mother because she not sick at this moment....it's their bad mangement. I blame them for allowing me have my manic episode because I took on a assignment with no lesson plans, no paperwork to distribute to the students and stuck with behavior problem students. Got no support at all especially with the behavior problem children.

It's time to move on and get away from ignorant people even if they have a teachers degrees.

[Bluetwo]

How big is your work environment? Do you have a HR department

"They've already told me my job is very seculded and the most "protected job" and they won't create a new position for me!"

Bull ****! Deny, deny and avoid the subject because they half ignorant. Just some more excuses so they don't have to do the work. Multi-tasking is very hard for bipolars and they're basically dump the load on you.


I went down to my state employment office and they do have ADA representative available to talk to to. They were very supportive and they will clue you in what your rights are..

Try that?

[Xila31]

When I went to my employer they made me a list of things that they want me to do to make things easier for them. Like keep my desk clear, clean, reply to all messages etc. I feel like I'm in a cage. The thing is I write up the appointment card and something goes wrong. My brain disconnects and I'm not sure exactly when or where that happens. I wonder if my co-workers ask me a question and I can't multi-task. Or the phone rings. Obviously, it is something distracting me and I can't get back to where I started.

They've already told me my job is very seculded and the most "protected job" and they won't create a new position for me. I don't expect that. Over the summer not only was I going crazy but we're learning new systems plus had to set up a huge event so.... I struggled really badly. There has been a lot of stress in my life recently. I just keep praying I have come out of it enough to not make any more mistakes.

Also, I ended up nto being able to take my meds due to my asthma causing me to vomit all the time. I'm always dehydrated, so no lithium unless I want kidney failure. Can't afford meds, can't afford doctor, can't afforrd anything.... I just have to keep going on my own. I've made it this far, right?

Thanks for your help.

[Bluetwo]

What else can you do in the office beside making appointments? Could you let your employer know about your bipolar? Once you do.....they will legally have to accomindate your disability and I don't think they would make adjustments either.

If you all can do a little brain storming maybe you can come up with good system to keep all the appointments correct. When you write out the appointment cards maybe log in the appointments in the computer....this way your double checking your appointments.

Double check the dates and names so there is no confusion for your customers or for your boss.

Sometimes you have to train your brain to slow down and double check everything. When I'm in a ditzy stage and forgetting things....I have "a do list" handy so I don't lose track of things especially when I have to pay my bills or pick things up at the market.

[Xila31]

Work was really hard for me this summer. I kept cycling up. I'm still seeing the results of working when my brain is not functioning properly. People come in with appointment cards I gave them, but I never scheduled their appointments, so they're not on the schedule. Last year this happened maybe once. This year since May it has happened at least 15 times. It frightens me that someone is going to complain and I will lose my job. If I lose my job my family will be in horrible financial crisis, even more so than right now. I know it is because of my bipolar. When I'm up and I can't concentrate I forget to do things that I normally wouldn't. I keep praying it stops happening and that I am better enough now to appear normal and to work correctly.

I also commend you for being a teacher. My mom and her sister were teachers so I know how it goes. It is a hard enough job when you're healthy. I would love to be a teacher but I'm too old to go to the school for it, and too poor. Maybe someday I could teach adult ed in something, though.

[Bluetwo]

I can work as a substitute teacher because I can take time off anytime. I learn how to work with my illness through trial and error. The school is like a pressure cooker. BP's need to decompress once awhile and recharge our batteries. I can't do any long term assignments because I will go into hypomania then slide into depression.

The kids don't mind when I go into hypomania. I love to crack jokes and become a real Minnie Pearl armed with a lesson plan. When I'm in a mania state I'm very creative which breaks up the monotony of the classroom.

There is a sense of structure in the schools which is good for bipolars but we have to watch out for our red flags which will aggravate our illness..Any sign of irritation or feeling drained out means I need to take a break.


So I worked out a formula for success. Work for 21 days take three days off even if I don't need it. Do different classes everyday for variety and intensity. Being bored is not helpful to bipolars. So I like a mix bag.


I'm still learning about my illness. I have to resist the urge to fly solo by not taking meds. Sleep is very important for bipolars. Day light savings time and spring is the hardest for me to adjust to and that's when I take most breaks. I think this was the cause of my recent episode and I paid a heavy price. My symptoms didn't happen over night but slowly accumulates into a relaspe and I got over confident.

[Bluetwo]

Discrimination? I don't think so.

Bipolars don't thrive in dysfunctional settings.
I think I got a bad case of "Stockholm syndrome"...it's funny and strange but it felt like that. I was getting too involved with their world. I couldn't let it go.

It's been many many years since I had a experience like that. What do you call that in the psych world....transference? It can be a positive force or a negative force....in this case it was a negative force.

Before I was diagnosed with BP I use to be attracted to very negative and toxic people which messed up my self esteem.  A healthy relationship should help you grow and flourish not bring you down. If toxic people feel bad about themselves they will project those feelings to you. That was my gut instincts in this case.

As my med's help me get better I wanted to untie my mooring lines and shove off. I felt it was in my best interest to keep away from that school because I was just reliving those bad vibes. I want to get my bearings and not be stuck in the doldrums of that toxic waste dump.

When you get better...you move on.

[Weney3777]

I don't blame you for your decision. At mt last job(and the 4 before that) I had an episode. It lasted almost two weeks before I took some time off. I was paranoid all the time and acted "crazy", looking back. I felt embarrassed and awkward and never returned. What happened was that everyone in the store got fired, except me, for conspiricy and theft. When they pulled in an entire new crew, I felt isolated and the stress of all the interviews and pressure got to me. I know what you are going through, not only because of my job experience, but because my husband is a teacher of at-risk students and he tells me of all the outrageous behavior. I couldn't imagine being BP and having to deal with those types of children at that type of school. I commend you for being a teacher(they don't get enough respect) and for continuing to work with your disability. Have hope!

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes well it is your decision. It is however, important to think things over as regards future plans and make sure that if you face any form of discrimination to know who to speak to about it.