How do I deal with my anger?

[luckysnowdog1]

I have been posting questions about my family on these forums and getting great responses. I know I have alot to be angry about from my childhood, but I am 32 and my anger seems to be getting worse. I'm not sure if my super supportive partner is just that, or if he is bringing more of it out of me. My frusteration level with him is unbearable. But maybe he is the best thing for me because he is forcing me to face my anger once and for all. In the meantime though, I can't live with my behavior and the awful things I say to him.
I am so unsure of my true feelings, I don't know what to think. Sometimes I hate him. Other times I thank god he loves me. He listens and is very understanding, but sometimes I think he is manipulative and passive aggressive. I want things in life (children, security, etc) and he keeps telling me I'll get those things once I stop being so angry. But as the years pass and my biological window is closing, I am getting more angry that my current partner isn't willing to give me the things I want because I can't stop being angry. I would love more therapy, but I don't have money. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and I have begun to resent him so much. When I look at him all I see is the person who is witholding from me what I want most. I want to break up and go explore my options. We just bought a house together though so we've got to work some things out.
We just go in circles. I'm so sick of it and I verbally abuse him because I lose it sometimes.
He is a really great person but I can't give up my whole life for this person. I keep pushing what I want most farther away according to him. I don't want to be stuck in a cycle where I can't get it right.  Meanwhile, he barely gets by and refuses to take any initiative in creating a financial future for us. He's not interested and uses my anger as his excuse. I've taken the blame for everyone my whole life and tried to live up to everyone's standards. It never works, meanwhile, years are going by and I'm living in misery because I've given up everything I enjoy to be with this person in hopes of a family.
I know I have anger and I deeply regret the mental strife I cause him, but I honestly don't think I would be this angry if I was either alone or with someone else. He thinks I am just looking for a sperm donor.
I'm so out of touch with my own feelings. I don't know what to do.
Any suggestions?

[Balaji64]

My wife is constantly angry about something or other. I am married for 17 years now and i am still not able to figure what could keep her calm. We hail from conservative Indian Hidnu families and hence did not know each other before marriage. Ours was an arranged marriage.

When my wife gets angry she stays that way for days together. At the time of anger, she tends to break things and throw tantrums for long hours. All the anger she expresses ends up me being the reason. Even when I am quiet, she complains that i do not have the passion that a normal man should have for a wife. It is so tiring! I am very tired. 17 years!! My mind cannot think of any other relationship. I am bound to my wife by oath. I only want to know how to communicate with her. She snaps at our daughter too. I have now established that she cannot abuse our daughter physically. She has very heavy mood swings.

On the bright side, she has always been on a steady job, she has no problmes working long hours, she has taken up professional studies and is doing pretty good with it. She is virtually breathing down our daughters neck to make her a scholarship student. I have a decent job and have been steady for the past 18 years.

Every week end is a nightmare. I dread week ends as I have to put up with almost 2 full days of tantrum and hurtful words (Our daughter included!) I even suspected Bipolar. I am not sure though.

I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do except pray god.

[imsmiley12]

I know you said you can't afford counseling, but perhaps you could ask for a sliding fee scale or even maybe try a minister if all else fails.  Therapy is crucial to work through these issues.  I have a theory on why it seems more of this is coming out now for you, but please keep in mind IT IS JUST MY THEORY!!  I think you are finally feeling secure in your realtionship, and therefore your mind is allowing more of the past to come out to be dealt with since you have such a great support.  Good luck and try the counseling!

[Venora Moonwind]

I can totally identify with what you are going through.
I have been through lots of therapy to learn how to deal with my anger issues and I am getting ready to go to more with my hubby and I am 51. You think I would catch on after awhile but it is very difficult for me. I stuff my feelings about what is going on and then I erupt. so when I am not happy nobody is.
I thank the heavens for my hubby too he has been a rock on my life for 23 years now.
I get frustrated with him and myself but we are willing to do what ever it takes to work through our problems.I am very difficult to live with I know.
Try counseling seperatly and together. The therapist office is great neutral ground to discuss your issues calmly and without anger. I know it has done wonders for me.I still have alot to work on and I accept the fact it may take the rest of my life to learn to deal with my issues and thats ok too.
My hubby told once when I was going through one of my deepest bi polar things and that all that mattered was us. I held on to that and I still do.
I hope this helps some. Stay in touch. This forum is wonderful.
Love Venora