I'm being torn apart

[bastet56]

I need help. Maybe I need to grow a spine and brain. I am so torn. My husband does not want me to go into the hospital. He says, and I know that it is true, that the minute I get there I will want to come home. It doesn't help that he agrees with me and tells me to come home. He keeps asking me if I am ok now, which at this second I am. To compound this I have to wait until Monday afternoon to find out if my insurance will be accepted. I cannot stand this emotional tug-of-war. It is tearing me apart. We are so emotionally intertwined that I find it almost impossible to do what I feel is necessary knowing that I will be undermined at every turn. I don't think that despite lliving with me for 35 yrs that he actually believes that I have a mental illness in spite of meds, therapy, ECT and all the hospitalizations. (and I think I am crazy!)

[LetaB]

Ah, I see you see things how they really are regarding your spouse. I was just trying to tread lightly here. Since you know this is what he's doing - even though he may not - can't you steel yourself to his manipulations? My guy is passive aggressive and I can read his little revenges and influences like a book. We usually can joke about it - USUALLY. Does your husband admit that he has these pass/aggress symptoms and needs some counseling?
When I made my remark about you being "crazy" I was trying to point out that you are an extremely intelligent, rational, woman with this condition - not what most of us classically think of as being "crazy". I wish you the best turn out that you can have - either if it's hospital or something else.

[bastet56]

Leta, don't let my writing fool you. I could write all day no matter what is going on in my head, it's a self preservation skill I learned long ago. I have talked my way out of 72hr holds too. There are 2 me's - the one I show parts of here and at the dr's and the one that has to function no matter what. Even at my most psychotic, I was able to function - I fed my animals, took care of my kids and fooled the world while I lived in a different world in my head. I just looked out for spy planes, thought the cops or IRS were coming for me, and saw things I only told my dr about. As for my husband, we are emotionally entangled. He knows what buttons to push on me like no one else. I know he can function on his own, he just knows how to make me feel guilty and ashamed for wanting and needing to take care of myself. He is not my baby. He is a passive aggressive manipulator and after 35 yrs of marriage can play me like a violin. There's a big difference.

Thanks bulldozer, I agree, no only if insurance works out. Will see tomorrow.

[bernie40]

It sounds like you know deep inside yourself that hospital is where you need to be.

I can understand your husband, he sounds a lot like mine.  They are scared of letting you go, they know you're going to beg to come home and they don't know if they can be strong enough to deny you that.  

It's a good idea to talk this over with the intake person.  Try and talk to your husband again, explain how important it is that he let's you go and ask him to try and be strong in helping you stay there for as long as it takes.  Suggest to him that he may like to have additional support for himself in order to help you more.

Best of luck and will be thinking of you.

[LetaB]

You write a mighty cohesive letter for a crazy woman. Your story sounds to me like a child's first day at school - you don't want to let him go. He's your baby. He's you're whole world. He needs to make that step and you love him enough to encourage him to do it. You let him go. Love is not a prison, I'm a clingy, affectionate preson myself but your husband's constant need for you is indefensible. If you're in labor can he tell you when your contractions are? (sorry for all the maternal analogies - it's Mother's Day) You go, girl. I know you'll want out when you're there - that's normal! We'd all live there if we didn't feel that way. But it's what you need now is a pause in your crazy life and some new ideas (and meds I understand) so stay strong.

[bastet56]

I may have to do this from home, don't know yet. Big med changes tear me apart tho and I would rather do that in a safe setting. Another problem is my pdoc is out of town right now.
Thanks for your comments.

[Bluetwo]

Hang in there!
Do you really need to go into the hospital?
I had trouble with bipolar meds.
My meds quit working! I had mixed state and mania.
It was quite a ride!

I was treated at home.
I was with my family and my pets.
The new meds knocked me out which was a good thing because I needed the sleep.
I never been in a hospital for my bipolar.
If your not a danger to yourself or others there is no need to go to the hospital.

My illness took me by surprise.
It knocks your self esteem but we must get back on our horse and try again.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day.
Like what my mother said....."it will come out with the wash."
Take Care

[bastet56]

If I get a chance to go into the hospital and can get there, I think I will ask for a private talk with the intake person and tell them what is going on w/hubby. I will also tell them of my past behavior of caving in and the trouble I have being separated from him and ask for their help and support. I know that legally they cannot keep me there as I am not on a 72 hr hold but maybe with their support I can stay long enough to get my meds taken care of.