Aa
I'm fat and ugly and I don't have any friends.
I started university in 2009, and I was a little overwhelmed by the sudden freedom I had, and didn't really consider the responsibilities enough. I went a little 'manic' as they say, to the extent that I had to be hospitalised and sent home for the rest of the year. At this time, I was beautiful and had a lot of friends. Random men would stop me on the street to comment on how 'gorgeous' I looked. I was not healthy, but I was happy.
Then I went home and got put on a medication (Olanzapine - Zyprexa) which made me lazy and hungry all the time, so that I put on a lot of weight. When I went back to school in 2010, I was still overweight, and I found it difficult to concentrate on schoolwork and hated the course I was studying but couldn't drop any classes until the next semester and so was depressed all the time, which caused me to put on a ton of weight (I then weighed 200 pounds, and I am six feet tall) and this made me hate myself because now I was ugly on top of being crazy and I had no friends. I met up with a bunch of old friends, and even they stopped talking to me or replying to texts/etc. after the first meeting, and I assumed it was because I had become hideous and they didn't like to look at me anymore. I started doing really badly at school, too. I had no life, all I did was lie in bed and listen to my music and smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day. I also got into smoking pot for a bit, but I quit when I had a really bad trip during which I convinced myself I had down's syndrome.
In the second semester, I got my psychiatrist to change my medication, and was put on a combination of Lamictal and Zyprexa, and I started to feel a lot healthier and happier. I started doing better at school, but not well enough because I still felt the need to skip class. Then I decided to do summer school to improve my grades, and I took a class and did pretty well in it, and I attended it religiously and did all my homework on time, and I was happy - but I still didn't make any friends.
When I came home for the rest of the summer, I started on a rigorous work-out program and monitored my diet well. I have now lost about fifteen pounds (in four weeks), but I still feel this is not enough, and I want to lose another ten more over the next three weeks that I have left. And even then I will still be about twenty pounds away from my goal weight.
I went to see a tarot reader, and told her that I was getting obsessed with my weight, to the extent that it was the only thing I care about right now. She told me that the cards indicated that the reason for my obsession with my weight was because I subconsciously associate it with the other problems I am facing in my life, namely the problems I have making friends.
And this is true. I always had good friends and a lot of admirers when I was thin. That was when I was happy. The minute I put on all this weight, I started hating myself and this made people hate me. I really want to lose the weight I need to lose, and quickly, so that the following semesters are better. But at the same time, I do not want my happiness to be dependent on how I look.
Am I creating this situation for myself? Are the people around me genuinely shallow and thereby disgusted by me, or are the just disgusted by the awkwardness I have begun to assume as a result of my weight-gain?
Then I went home and got put on a medication (Olanzapine - Zyprexa) which made me lazy and hungry all the time, so that I put on a lot of weight. When I went back to school in 2010, I was still overweight, and I found it difficult to concentrate on schoolwork and hated the course I was studying but couldn't drop any classes until the next semester and so was depressed all the time, which caused me to put on a ton of weight (I then weighed 200 pounds, and I am six feet tall) and this made me hate myself because now I was ugly on top of being crazy and I had no friends. I met up with a bunch of old friends, and even they stopped talking to me or replying to texts/etc. after the first meeting, and I assumed it was because I had become hideous and they didn't like to look at me anymore. I started doing really badly at school, too. I had no life, all I did was lie in bed and listen to my music and smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day. I also got into smoking pot for a bit, but I quit when I had a really bad trip during which I convinced myself I had down's syndrome.
In the second semester, I got my psychiatrist to change my medication, and was put on a combination of Lamictal and Zyprexa, and I started to feel a lot healthier and happier. I started doing better at school, but not well enough because I still felt the need to skip class. Then I decided to do summer school to improve my grades, and I took a class and did pretty well in it, and I attended it religiously and did all my homework on time, and I was happy - but I still didn't make any friends.
When I came home for the rest of the summer, I started on a rigorous work-out program and monitored my diet well. I have now lost about fifteen pounds (in four weeks), but I still feel this is not enough, and I want to lose another ten more over the next three weeks that I have left. And even then I will still be about twenty pounds away from my goal weight.
I went to see a tarot reader, and told her that I was getting obsessed with my weight, to the extent that it was the only thing I care about right now. She told me that the cards indicated that the reason for my obsession with my weight was because I subconsciously associate it with the other problems I am facing in my life, namely the problems I have making friends.
And this is true. I always had good friends and a lot of admirers when I was thin. That was when I was happy. The minute I put on all this weight, I started hating myself and this made people hate me. I really want to lose the weight I need to lose, and quickly, so that the following semesters are better. But at the same time, I do not want my happiness to be dependent on how I look.
Am I creating this situation for myself? Are the people around me genuinely shallow and thereby disgusted by me, or are the just disgusted by the awkwardness I have begun to assume as a result of my weight-gain?
Im gonna try these things myself.. I am 6ft aswell and I find it makes me feel masculine if I carry any weight. I have always had a BMI of 19 without meds and I have been terribly thin and quite overweight too thanks to meds. I am probably about a US size 6 now which sounds perfect but I am all wobbly LOL and it looks horrid, so I've worked hard to get thin, which is near on impossible on meds but I am still not happy!!!!!!!!!!!! looks like i need to work on my self esteem!
Hello,
First you are not fat and ugly and if you're old "friends" no longer talk to you because of that, then they were never your friends to begin with. I'm going to say at least 95% of college students could in no way handle having a friend who suddenly went manic and diagnosed with bipolar. Especially when you say "a lot of friends" because that means you know a lot of people that will hang out with you, party with you, maybe even help you move (which is not the corner stone of friendship.) But when you wake up with an illness or serious issue, suddenly everyone leaves.
I had this happen to me at 25. I left a person who was a horrible human being and all of my so-called "friends" never came around. They were people I'd known since high school and I thought had my back. Well, after that I did some real soul searching and realized they were all toxic, belittling me and making me feel terrible at myself, and I'm so much better off without them. No wonder they went with that horrible person, they were just like him! (Good riddance!)
So, this is the important thing you need to know: Friends are rare. You may have one (1) in your whole lifetime, and even then you're fortunate! You can't define your happiness by how many friends you have, how many men compliment you, or how many admirers you have chasing after you. Write this down on a sticky or paper with tape and stick it to your bathroom mirror, your bedroom mirror, your car mirror.... any mirror you own:
"You are looking at the main source of your happiness."
It's hard, I know. I have horrible self-esteem. But I try and I try to remember this.
As for your weight, Cogratulations!!! You lost 15 pounds! That's awesome! It is so hard to lose weight, you're doing such a great job!! It's almost as hard to lose weight as it is to quit smoking, so you're doing awesome. :)
I'm not kidding! But, I warn you, do it safely. 10 pounds in 3 weeks is not safe. 3-5 pounds in three weeks would be excellent. You should lose a pound a week. I know that sounds slow, but in 3 weeks you'll have lost 18 pounds! In a year you'll have lost 52 pounds! That's a lot of weight!
When you find yourself obsessing remind yourself you're doing a good job. Because you are! A long journey of a year caused you to put on that weight, so it will take a long journey of a year to get it off.
I hope you start feeling better! Don't give up! You're not alone, even if you may feel like it sometimes.
First you are not fat and ugly and if you're old "friends" no longer talk to you because of that, then they were never your friends to begin with. I'm going to say at least 95% of college students could in no way handle having a friend who suddenly went manic and diagnosed with bipolar. Especially when you say "a lot of friends" because that means you know a lot of people that will hang out with you, party with you, maybe even help you move (which is not the corner stone of friendship.) But when you wake up with an illness or serious issue, suddenly everyone leaves.
I had this happen to me at 25. I left a person who was a horrible human being and all of my so-called "friends" never came around. They were people I'd known since high school and I thought had my back. Well, after that I did some real soul searching and realized they were all toxic, belittling me and making me feel terrible at myself, and I'm so much better off without them. No wonder they went with that horrible person, they were just like him! (Good riddance!)
So, this is the important thing you need to know: Friends are rare. You may have one (1) in your whole lifetime, and even then you're fortunate! You can't define your happiness by how many friends you have, how many men compliment you, or how many admirers you have chasing after you. Write this down on a sticky or paper with tape and stick it to your bathroom mirror, your bedroom mirror, your car mirror.... any mirror you own:
"You are looking at the main source of your happiness."
It's hard, I know. I have horrible self-esteem. But I try and I try to remember this.
As for your weight, Cogratulations!!! You lost 15 pounds! That's awesome! It is so hard to lose weight, you're doing such a great job!! It's almost as hard to lose weight as it is to quit smoking, so you're doing awesome. :)
I'm not kidding! But, I warn you, do it safely. 10 pounds in 3 weeks is not safe. 3-5 pounds in three weeks would be excellent. You should lose a pound a week. I know that sounds slow, but in 3 weeks you'll have lost 18 pounds! In a year you'll have lost 52 pounds! That's a lot of weight!
When you find yourself obsessing remind yourself you're doing a good job. Because you are! A long journey of a year caused you to put on that weight, so it will take a long journey of a year to get it off.
I hope you start feeling better! Don't give up! You're not alone, even if you may feel like it sometimes.
"I started hating myself and this made people hate me". I think there is a lot of truth in those words and they are worth exploring further. People may not be shying away from you because of your looks but because you are prickly and maybe not emoting that you want friends in your life. I know many overweight people who have great friendships.
Most schools have therapists you can go and see. Where I went to school they were free (included in tuition). This may be a good place to start. There are a lot of issues likely around being hospitalized and dealing with the weight gain and lethargy that may be nice to have someone to talk to about. I went to one when I was dealing with depression my first year of school and learned a lot about myself.
The other thing is I would seek out a support group. I am certain there are DBSA (depression bipolar support alliance) groups in New York (google them for their website). I found it very helpful to be in a room full of people who 'got' it. I didn't have to put on my mask of normalacy. I could say exactly why I was having a crappy week, that I hated my meds, and that I wondered if life would ever get back to normal. There were people at all stages of their disorder. Some long time members and some newer ones like myself. We laughed, we cried, and we became friends. One of my best friends I met that way. Since we both have bipolar we understand things like not getting a phone call returned because one of us is depressed. We don't take it personally like someone without bipolar may. My other best friend has MS and suffers depression. Connecting with someone who is going through or dealing with an illness will give them a better understanding of why you are the way you are.
This being said I switched cities and the support group in the city I live in really bugs me. The format is stupid. Everyone gets a chance to talk but you aren't able to ask questions or give advice. It makes for a very boring meeting. So if one group doesn't work for you and there is another in your area it may be worth it to try another one.
The weight thing is important because of the health reasons alone. Keep that goal in mind and work towards a healthy weight. BUT in terms of friends. If they are only with you because you look pretty they will leave you when you need them. Search out other people who look like they have problems and befriend them. Ask them out for coffee. Chances are they are as lonely as you are and will be much more likely to stick by you when push comes to shove.
Most schools have therapists you can go and see. Where I went to school they were free (included in tuition). This may be a good place to start. There are a lot of issues likely around being hospitalized and dealing with the weight gain and lethargy that may be nice to have someone to talk to about. I went to one when I was dealing with depression my first year of school and learned a lot about myself.
The other thing is I would seek out a support group. I am certain there are DBSA (depression bipolar support alliance) groups in New York (google them for their website). I found it very helpful to be in a room full of people who 'got' it. I didn't have to put on my mask of normalacy. I could say exactly why I was having a crappy week, that I hated my meds, and that I wondered if life would ever get back to normal. There were people at all stages of their disorder. Some long time members and some newer ones like myself. We laughed, we cried, and we became friends. One of my best friends I met that way. Since we both have bipolar we understand things like not getting a phone call returned because one of us is depressed. We don't take it personally like someone without bipolar may. My other best friend has MS and suffers depression. Connecting with someone who is going through or dealing with an illness will give them a better understanding of why you are the way you are.
This being said I switched cities and the support group in the city I live in really bugs me. The format is stupid. Everyone gets a chance to talk but you aren't able to ask questions or give advice. It makes for a very boring meeting. So if one group doesn't work for you and there is another in your area it may be worth it to try another one.
The weight thing is important because of the health reasons alone. Keep that goal in mind and work towards a healthy weight. BUT in terms of friends. If they are only with you because you look pretty they will leave you when you need them. Search out other people who look like they have problems and befriend them. Ask them out for coffee. Chances are they are as lonely as you are and will be much more likely to stick by you when push comes to shove.
dear tigercity,
In my opinion you need to focus on you more!! Don't worry so much about your outer appearance and friends! I'm not saying these things are not suppose to be important but, it seems as though you are having problems within yourself right now!! I know everyone want to look great, as do I, but what about what is on the inside?? Work from the inside out!! If you like who you are and your a good person, then people will notice you and will want to get to know you!! Once you have worked on the inner then work on the outer if you feel as though it needs work!! Good luck!
In my opinion you need to focus on you more!! Don't worry so much about your outer appearance and friends! I'm not saying these things are not suppose to be important but, it seems as though you are having problems within yourself right now!! I know everyone want to look great, as do I, but what about what is on the inside?? Work from the inside out!! If you like who you are and your a good person, then people will notice you and will want to get to know you!! Once you have worked on the inner then work on the outer if you feel as though it needs work!! Good luck!
Hi,
Having had my own battle with my weight, I totally understand the struggles you are dealing with.
It comes down to a few annoyingly simple things- you can't be loved unless you love yourself.
I know, how cheesy, easier said than done. You're right, but yet.................... also no. It just encompasses so many things that "easy" isn't a word anyone could use and truly mean it.
You hate your looks, and it your self hatred and self-loathing will spill out into every aspect of your life. Beauty isn't only skin deep. Loving yourself as a human being doesn't mean giving up on trying to regain a healthier lifestyle, but it means setting realistic expectations and attainable goals.
If it makes you feel any better, I am 5'5" and I hover around 200 lbs. I don't like weighing this much, but I dress in clothes that suit me, I do my hair and makeup very nicely, and I put all the emphasis on my strong points. I get looks all the time, because I finally found a look that I like- and it shows in my attitude about myself.
There are always going to be shallow people. If you're surrounded by some, then find new people to be with- ones who aren't as judgemental. Mostly, the hated you feel is your own. It becomes too easy to project our negative feelings about ourselves and assign wrong motives and feelings in others.
It's great that you're working to try and be healthy, but don't do anything that will damage your body in the future. Crash dieting, and over exercising can be detrimental. I was bulemic in my 20s and I have no metabolism to speak of right now. I'm 37. You're young enough that you can make the right choices still. They're not the fastest choices, but you have the right to do the absolute best thing for you.
Take care of the physical you. Do facials, manicure your nails, give yourself pedicures. Try different makeup looks, try styling your hair in different ways. Take your picture with the camera above your head slightly- and follow it with your eyes only. When you find the right angle that you feel makes you look your best, take LOTS of pics.
If you want to feel beautiful, then start now. As you change your body, your beauty will change with it. But you'll still be beautiful. Why wait until then?
The issues are in your head now, losing weight won't fix everything. Your obsession can follow you through life- mine did.
You're only as beautiful as you want to be. Skinny doesn't equal happy.
Be true to yourself, and find your inward beauty first. The outside will take care of itself after that.
Best wishes,
~K~
Having had my own battle with my weight, I totally understand the struggles you are dealing with.
It comes down to a few annoyingly simple things- you can't be loved unless you love yourself.
I know, how cheesy, easier said than done. You're right, but yet.................... also no. It just encompasses so many things that "easy" isn't a word anyone could use and truly mean it.
You hate your looks, and it your self hatred and self-loathing will spill out into every aspect of your life. Beauty isn't only skin deep. Loving yourself as a human being doesn't mean giving up on trying to regain a healthier lifestyle, but it means setting realistic expectations and attainable goals.
If it makes you feel any better, I am 5'5" and I hover around 200 lbs. I don't like weighing this much, but I dress in clothes that suit me, I do my hair and makeup very nicely, and I put all the emphasis on my strong points. I get looks all the time, because I finally found a look that I like- and it shows in my attitude about myself.
There are always going to be shallow people. If you're surrounded by some, then find new people to be with- ones who aren't as judgemental. Mostly, the hated you feel is your own. It becomes too easy to project our negative feelings about ourselves and assign wrong motives and feelings in others.
It's great that you're working to try and be healthy, but don't do anything that will damage your body in the future. Crash dieting, and over exercising can be detrimental. I was bulemic in my 20s and I have no metabolism to speak of right now. I'm 37. You're young enough that you can make the right choices still. They're not the fastest choices, but you have the right to do the absolute best thing for you.
Take care of the physical you. Do facials, manicure your nails, give yourself pedicures. Try different makeup looks, try styling your hair in different ways. Take your picture with the camera above your head slightly- and follow it with your eyes only. When you find the right angle that you feel makes you look your best, take LOTS of pics.
If you want to feel beautiful, then start now. As you change your body, your beauty will change with it. But you'll still be beautiful. Why wait until then?
The issues are in your head now, losing weight won't fix everything. Your obsession can follow you through life- mine did.
You're only as beautiful as you want to be. Skinny doesn't equal happy.
Be true to yourself, and find your inward beauty first. The outside will take care of itself after that.
Best wishes,
~K~
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