In a really bad place at the moment ...

[Fizzy74]

Hi there, I haven't posted here for ages, but I am in a really bad place at the moment.  I broke my ankle about 11 weeks ago, and in the last two weeks have found my mood is dark as.  I am really down, really grumpy and just can't snap out of it.  

I was doing really well up until I broke my ankle, I have bipolar II and had been managing it really well, but have found just in the last couple of weeks I have deteriorated to the point where I am sort of just plodding through the day.  I feel as though I am up and down with a manic period too!  I am on a shedload of medications for my ankle, as well as my bipolar meds.  

Before breaking my ankle I had lost 12 kgs, as I had stacked on weight since going on epilim, seroquel and venlafaxine, but had started to lose and was really happy.  Since my ankle I have put on about three to four kilos, which isn't bad, but I find I am just in a slump with that.  

I also feel like I am a complete pain as I am having to rely on people to take me places, and end up feeling as though I am a burden.

My parents are understanding to a point, my mother is of the old school where its oh well just get over it and get on with life.  But as we all know on this forum that isn't always easy!  I just feel really really sad, and incredibly angry at the same time which is a horrible combination.  I have two beautiful boys, who I find most days I am snapping their heads off.  

My hubby had an affair last year and left twice, we have since worked on things, but I have found I am paranoid about this now as well, I am questioning him a lot, and then any good news I hear for other people I am not happy but feeling quite bitter about everything.

Not sure if I am making any sense, thank you for listening, and big hugs to everybody x

[Fizzy74]

Thank you for your kind words too, yes I think that's kind of where I am at feeling sorry for myself and needing to take some time out.  

I actually was thinking it might be a good idea to see a therapist, my gp has recommended a psychotherapist so I may look into that.  

I was on panadol for the pain, as I am also on warfarin because I had a blood clot last year and with my leg being in a cast and now a moon boot they wanted me to take it as a preventative.  This means that I cannot take any anti inflammatories, so my GP put me on codeine phosphate, as I wasn't sleeping very well either, even though what I take at night I should be out like a light.  

I have found since starting the codeine that my energy level has increased, I haven't read a lot into it to see if it does react, but I think that this could be the cause, plus I think just generally the frustration.  Its so hard isn't it when you get so down, to get back up.  

I have often said it is like have a thick black blanket over you, that you just can't lift off.  

Thank you though I am feeling a lot better after reading your posts, and realise that I just need to relax, and not beat myself up or be so hard on myself :-)

[Fizzy74]

Thank you for your kind words, I think its just a combination of things catching up with me.  The ankle is going to take a while to heal properly, I've been told up to a year, and I did it so stupidly that I think that is what is annoying me.

I went out with a friend, ended up having a few too many!  Which isn't advisable anyway, and was wearing ridiculous shoes, and fell down a bank!  

I think I may go and see my doc, I do contact my psychiatrist, but he is on TV now so doesn't have a lot of time.  

As for what your parents thought about it was weak to show emotions, I hate to say it but yes that was mine too.  They get it sometimes, but my mum can fluctuate with her feelings, and just expects me to get on with it.  

I am trying to still lose the weight, but until I am really active and able to, I think its going to be a slow road, I think once I have got my head around that and accepted it I should be okay.  I just can't seem to get out of this rut I am in!  

Hubby doesn't know where to put himself some days, I was really bad on Saturday and by 9am had apologised three times (eek).  

I am self employed, and do typing from home a project i have is already late I told the guy that I was unwell, which happened last week, I had a bad sinus infection, as well as managing to sprain three of my fingers (getting them caught in my trousers!), I am also trying to work on a transcript but am finding it hard going, so going to take some time out and sort out our room, which I have at last got energy for!  

Thanks again, and take care yourself x

[lindahand]

Painkillers can really mess with mood meds so it is possible that is part of the problem. Doesn't help solve the problem unfortunately.

Biggest thing is really try to go easy on yourself. The more you fight the harder it will be. If you are beating yourself up it will spill over onto the kiddos and the husband. I find a big one when I am in pain is to have a good long cry and feel sorry for myself for a while. Then once I am done it is easier to get on with things. If I don't take that time to feel sorry for myself I end up getting bitter. If your husband is the type, have a good cry on his shoulder, and allow him to hold you.

Any stress can trigger an episode so maybe it would be a good idea to get into see your psychiatrist or talk with a psychiatric nurse. If you have the means to increase or start seeing a therapist.

You have it really rough right now. I hope you can go easy on yourself as you are doing the very best that you can.

[looloo141]

Awww Hi Fizzy74, I'm quite new to the forum so this is the first time we have spoken.
It sounds like you have been doing great and then all of a sudden life comes along and bites you in the butt!
Is it painkilling medication you are taking for your ankle? certain painkillers can make you feel down in the dumps when they are wearing off, I think they also slow the metabolism down aswell, and with you needing to rest your ankle that will amount to weight gain..it's a shame after you losing the weight ( I am on Seroquel and Depakote so I know what a struggle it is, I haven't lost as much as you did!) but when you're back to normal you can do it again..it's annoying though after doing it once already!

I don't like feeling like a burden either, independence makes us feel good about ourselves, but I'm sure your Husband and Sons would rather help you than see you in pain.
How much longer do you think it will take for your ankle to heal? I am a terrible patient and just want to get back to normal..

My parents are also very old school, and they just tell me to keep busy, or that I should stop thinking ( hmm??!) I find that this generally makes me feel worse about myself, that I'm that useless because I can't just get on with things..I try to tell myself that people can't really understand unless they have Bipolar or have had experienced Mental health issues.
I think it can be a generation thing aswell. My parents were brought up thinking it was weak to show emotions, and people went through hard times and just got on with it, because they had to.

As for your relationship, I don't like saying too much about relationships but I think with what happened its a normal response, your feelings are probably heightened because you have more time to think being unable to do much because of your ankle, also with feeling like a burden thats likely to make you feel a bit insecure too..have you tried talking to him about it? I think you're looking for some reassurance, which is perfectly natural.

It sounds like you have good reasons for feeling down, and this means that it will pass, but with Bipolar we have to be careful and you sound very good at judging where your mood is, you seem a little concerned after doing so well. Do you have anyone monitoring you, a psychiatric nurse or your pdoc? it might be worth a visit just to put your mind at rest, as like you said there has been some mania aswell, you've done so well, but I'm pretty sure you will a bit better as your ankle heals.

Get well soon,
hugs