You are with an abuser and your duty to yourself calls for you to leave him ASAP. It’s hard to do but a great many of us abused women have done it - have made the split successfully. The abandoned abuser will cling on with phone calls, begging and causing you to feel bad for him but your fear of him will keep you safe and never, ever give out your new address or location.
You have decribed my relationship with my bipolar husband perfectly. I too record him because he lies (although I think he believes himself) as well about what happened. Even my kids have seen it and know. I have never felt so ugly, worthless and fat in all my life and I'm a successful woman who makes far more than him, owns homes, manages, 41 years old and people think I'm in my late 20s or early 30s at 152 pounds that works out 3-4 days a week. Ya, I feel you. I want to leave but then the other side of him comes out and I think we can make it work because he is the best man ever during those times. Friends are sick of hearing it and just want me to leave. If only that easy.
Abuse is abuse and there is no way around it, and no excuse for it. There are people out there who had neglected childhoods, but they are not abusive in anyway. Your husband isn't going to change, when there is no reason for him to change. I wouldn't even wait to be financial stable to get out of place where I am constantly fearful for myself and, especially, if I had a teenage daughter or children. He sounds classic for domestic abuse. If it is causing you ill health where you and your daughter have to be treated for anxiety, it's time to leave. It is never easy, but at least, you will be alive, unharmed, and not living in constant fear.
However, leaving does not mean you are out of danger. When these guys get angry or feel threatened they can take it to a whole new level, and not even a restraining order can stop them. I will message you on your My Medhelp page on how to leave. It will also give you insight on how to get support. A lot of women and children leave with no secure finances and sometimes, just the shirts on their backs. it's a lot better leaving with nothing than being dead or disabled and regretting that you wish you left sooner. When people who verbally abuse like that and feel they have the upper hand and the last word on everything, it doesn't take too much of leap to cross over the line and cause physical harm. Then, they say something like, " See what you made me do!" and usually it doesn't stop there. It definitely goes in cycles. When you step out the door, don't even let you and your daughter look back. Not even when he says he will change.
First I will start with me I am a south Asian women had a typical arranged marriage though I had some control over it as I had given an advertisement in the newspaper etc. But rest is typical family talks and arranges and I came to US in the beginning it seemed o.k. then I started noticing my husband was very controlling though at that time I did not realize it. if he liked something I have to say I liked it too, if he had an opinion about an actor I had to have the same or he would get very angry and about everything else too so I started not voicing my opinion at all and kept quiet I have earned three masters and one in US so I am fairly educated though don't have a job and raising two kids. But he always seems to be very verbally abusive and then slowly now that I don't talk to him he started turning all the attention to my teen daughter and constantly finds fault with her (even though people say she is a good kid) and if I interfere it becomes worse so I just keep quiet but even my daughter notices he is verbally abusive and always makes fun of us. He does not have a single friend and works from home and does not even try to go out and meet people. I have some friends but he is constantly passing judgment on them and if I say something he says well I am more supportive of my friend than him (my husband). I have feeling he tries to keep us away from any support system.
Both me and my daughter have been diagnosed with anxiety and I am not sure its worth it to stay until I am financially stable. I tried to excuse my husband's behavior to childhood neglect or just work stress but it is too much for us and I can not watch my daughter have severe psychological problems later on in life.
I emailed a attorney but yet to go and see him and I am constantly fearful.
I'm glad you were able to write down you feelings and thoughts. Just a
thought I had, I know you signed a contract but is it possible to ask a lawyer about this and tell him the circumstances. Maybe he/she could find a way out if this is what you want. If this doesn't work out, you could sell the house before or after it is built. You will then legally get your money out of it, based on the market, unless of course he refuses to sell. I don't know if he can afford this without you so he may not have a choice unless it goes to foreclosure. Just some thoughts.
The other thing is, your sanity and safety are more important than money. Same for your kids, they shouldn't have to live in this type of environment. It could have such an effect on them that down the road they become unstable and are not even able to go to college. You and your kids environment is very important. People turn out all sorts of ways based on their environment, adults and kids.
I know this is a great deal of money and you have some choices to make.
You may not qualify for a mortgage and many don't, but you can rent something you can afford and allow you and your kids to live happy lives. Even move in with family for a while until you get back on your feet.
Just remember who and what are important here. The 55,000 will not give you and your kids happiness. Thinking of you, Crystal
This evening I just put some thoughts together...this is how I feel
I feel lonely
I feel unprotected,
I'm not happy
I feel used...emotionally and financially
I feel like a door mat
I don`t know how to smile
I don`t feel part of his family
We are not intimate...he says he needs an emotional connect to be intimate
I am fit and pretty, not unattractive (told beautiful by others) k, hot mama!!
I have a big heart and love to help others
He won`t help others as no one helped him get to where he is so why should he help others
He never wants to hear other opinions as his opinion is the one that matters...
The more I read other comments the more I think I need to go back home 4000 kilometers away.
ONE BIG PROBLEM.... I put $55,000 (yep fifty five thousand) dollars of my life savings to buy a home together, which hasn't even been started....(builder said no refunds, already tried that step) so I can`t get out of the deal, both names are on the contract...
I have this terrible feeling that when July comes and its time to move in, he won`t sell his place to help pay down some of the house and I will lose all of my 3 children's future college money as I can`t qualify for a mortgage with my spousal support alone.
Thanks for letting me talk here as I have no friends in this province and no one to go out with to vent....
Abusers carefully select who and when to lash out at their victims. They also do hurtful things and make you think its your fault or at least try to.
Hang in there. Remember that you always have someone here to support you, and help in any way that we can.
Thank you soo very much for all your advice and support. Honestly, I didn`t even know any sites like this exist. You all have given me a place to start.
I appreciate it with all my heart.
This sounds like abuse to me. Being nasty, acting charming, and then being nasty again is the classic cycle of abuse. You should check out http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#signs, and see if you think the description fits what's happening to you. From the outside looking in, it looks like you are being abused. There are links on that site for help, including getting out of the relationship. The top of the page has hotlines for the US, Canada, Australia, and an international list.
This is not your fault. You are not responsible for his actions. Him having had a rough childhood is not an excuse to abuse you, nor is having mental illness in the family. Remember that even if you aren't perfect and do something that might annoy someone, you don't deserve abuse for it. (see http://pervocracy.tumblr.com/post/39768083584/one-more-point-about-abuse for someone's personal take on that point) He sounds like he does need help, but your life, happiness, and safety come first.
It's likely he knows something is wrong with him. The happy kind moods then the real blow up moods. It would help him go to a Therapist that specializes in mood disorders and anger issues. Since you don't have a diagnosis for him, I think this would be the first step. He really needs help, this is his problem. I would try this first and see if he's willing. Talk to him when he's in a nice mood and word it so he doesn't get defensive. I wouldn't approach it by saying "something is wrong with you" as he will likely to get defensive and close his mind off. Once in therapy, maybe then he would be willing to go to a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis.
If you don't think that will work, then try as a couple, same type of Therapist. A marriage counselor may not be skilled in the areas at hand.
If this doesn't work then I would strongly suggest that you go to therapy for yourself. Same kind of therapist as you will likely be talking about him and yourself. I think this type of therapist will be able to help the best considering the issues. This will not only help you but perhaps give you some insight on what's going on and help you to deal with this and maybe make some decisions on what to do with your life.
You need to protect yourself, like you said he hasn't hit you yet. Don't wait until it happens, if it happens. I know you are afraid and I would be too. This is a awful way to live. You don't need to live in fear. This verbal abuse is not only scary but torture for you.
I hope he is willing to get help and I hope you get help as well for your own safety and sanity.
Remind yourself, this is not your fault, you are not to blame. This behavior is coming from him, he is out of control and that he has a serious problem. Being nice sometimes doesn't make up for all of the horrible bad blow ups. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, Crystal
His son has a mother but she's a crack head all of her life and isn't willing to get any help. He has raised his son since he was 1 year old.. He is not my biological son so I really have no say. Like today my guy is as charming as ever...wants to be all happy like there was nothing that ever happened. Today I woke up with such a knot in my back that I literally didn't or cant get out of bed. Today he's trying to cater to all my needs, made dinner, brought me flowers to make me feel better, so I know that there is a good man inside somewhere....
Until the next time that something pisses him off....
This is what I'm struggling with.....he could be such a sweet and sensitive man, like I wrote in my first paragraph, but also can get in a bad mood just as fast...and then be as sweet as pie 5 minutes later.
If I go to a therapist, just try to see if there is any hope for some normalcy What kind of therapist do I look for and how do I approach this without saying it wrong to offend him....I'd like to go together so I can understand what the heck is wrong with him,
what do you guys think?
I agree with Chuck. This is not a healthy environment for you or his son. This is very bad emotional abuse. I am so sorry you have been living this way. It doesn't even sound like he would be willing to get help. You need to save yourself. I feel so bad for his son too. Take care of yourself, Crystal
Hi there i feel your pain my advice would be get the hell out of there regardless of the reason..some people are just controlling abusive ***** that has nothing to do with bipolar although some people with bp may act that way as i pointed out whatever the reason,keep a grip on your self respect dont be scared to move on love yourself and be happy.all the best.