Aa
Means to an end...
I'm not posting this question for it to act as a trigger for anyone. Nor am I posting it to get reported to the MedHelp police and have it pulled (though I'm sure it will be). I'm posting here because the people in this forum are the only people that i think can possibly understand/help.
What do you do when you just can not live with yourself anymore? People - family/therapist/pdocs - make it a point to say you're being selfish to harm yourself...or they say it's not 'right'...or any other reactions. I'm the one who has to face myself in the morning...every d*** day. I'm the one who has to look at the people around me I've hurt and continue to hurt. I'm the one dealing with the shaking, the high's/low's, the tears...the madness inside.
To stop all that is so easy. To have a chance at findng peace for myself and others...to stop taking a hand full of pills and talking to therapists about personal things I would have never disclosed to anyone before 'this' monster took over.
Someone remind me again why taking all my marbles (the very few I have left) and leaving isn't a good idea....
What do you do when you just can not live with yourself anymore? People - family/therapist/pdocs - make it a point to say you're being selfish to harm yourself...or they say it's not 'right'...or any other reactions. I'm the one who has to face myself in the morning...every d*** day. I'm the one who has to look at the people around me I've hurt and continue to hurt. I'm the one dealing with the shaking, the high's/low's, the tears...the madness inside.
To stop all that is so easy. To have a chance at findng peace for myself and others...to stop taking a hand full of pills and talking to therapists about personal things I would have never disclosed to anyone before 'this' monster took over.
Someone remind me again why taking all my marbles (the very few I have left) and leaving isn't a good idea....
i understand exactly how you feel. i hate it when pdoc or tdoc tell me to think about others especially my children. i do find that thekids keep me alive but sometimes it is so difficult to keep going and sometimes i admit i resent their need of me for keeping me here. as you say suicide by cigarette or alcohol is acceptable so what is the difference? i(and i'm a smoker) do think we should be allowed have more choice particularly when the pain is unbearable , cutting doesn't relieve it and the meds do not work. they would put down an animal for this. i am not encouraging you. maybe you need to see pdoc and check on your meds.
How are you now? Do you think maybe your medication is not working. I do not think you should accept feeling like this.
Isnt thoughts of suicied a symptom of depression, or even psychosis. I am just thinking you deserve better and if it was me I would be onto my Doctor straight away and I think you need attention.
Do you feel you are getting the right treatment? Because it seems you are not. Are you sleeping at all?
Isnt thoughts of suicied a symptom of depression, or even psychosis. I am just thinking you deserve better and if it was me I would be onto my Doctor straight away and I think you need attention.
Do you feel you are getting the right treatment? Because it seems you are not. Are you sleeping at all?
I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out on this board. Any opportunity you have to express how you feel is helpful. I’ve called the suicide prevention line to help me through those dark times.
I’ll also often write about my thoughts and why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I’ll even write out my suicide plan but by the time I’m finished it I will have changed my mind. An example of this is when I wrote about taking off to an exotic land and living the high life until I burn through all my savings and then commit suicide at 5 star hotel. But then I thought, “what if I'm having too much fun and don't want to dye anymore and will have no more money to live off of anymore? What then?” Then I came up with a plan on living a life I want and my mood completely turned around. I’m an ultra, ultra rapid cycler and my moods are highly reactive so I can switch back and forth very easily. I’m not sure if that’s the case with everyone.
I guess what I'm trying to say is writing these things down (for me at least) gives me some perspective and then I can look back and see how silly it all is. For me, the suicide thoughts are just a way of coping with the pain and I've written about the subject enough to know that they are just thoughts/feelings. I hope this makes some sense.
Don't give up on yourself – you are worth it!
I’ll also often write about my thoughts and why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I’ll even write out my suicide plan but by the time I’m finished it I will have changed my mind. An example of this is when I wrote about taking off to an exotic land and living the high life until I burn through all my savings and then commit suicide at 5 star hotel. But then I thought, “what if I'm having too much fun and don't want to dye anymore and will have no more money to live off of anymore? What then?” Then I came up with a plan on living a life I want and my mood completely turned around. I’m an ultra, ultra rapid cycler and my moods are highly reactive so I can switch back and forth very easily. I’m not sure if that’s the case with everyone.
I guess what I'm trying to say is writing these things down (for me at least) gives me some perspective and then I can look back and see how silly it all is. For me, the suicide thoughts are just a way of coping with the pain and I've written about the subject enough to know that they are just thoughts/feelings. I hope this makes some sense.
Don't give up on yourself – you are worth it!
A father telling his child to do everyone a favor and kill themselves is not revealing a problem of yours and I know it hurts, but he is the one with the problem.If you were 10 years old they would call it child abuse. Many of us have suffered at the hand of a parent or parents.That in itself tends to start a life of abuse from others, why, I can't answer that. Our memories become painful and they won't leave though we can not remember the good times.So many people's lives have become a nightmare. There are people in this world that actually enjoy hurting others.I have seen with my own eyes just how bad a person can be.Thought I had been well educated from my own life until I saw this person at work.That person's happiness revolves around how much misery she can cause others.The more the misery the happier she becomes.
We on the other hand, suffer.They burn things into our minds of negative thoughts of who and what we are.If we look at those people and where they are in life, they don't look all that great and certainly can't be judge and jury of someone else.If they by chance do have a friend, that poor friend does not know what objective is in mind for them.They turn on them with just as much vengence as always.They are full of hate,anger,selfishness and pride.They are number 1,above all.They do everything to succeed in destruction.
We live with the scars that they have given us.We do have choices though.If we decide we are not fit to live as according to them, then we have let them win.It doesn't have to serve any real purpose for them, it is the power and their ability to accomplish.If we look at them for what they are, taking away the blinds of the hurt and tears,we can see the real people that they are, and it is ugly.We are precious and our life is precious.We have a purpose in this world.The ugliness of this world will always be there somewhere, but we don't have to be a part of it.We are free individuals.The mind we carry is ours and it is up to us as to what we choose to accept.The ugly lies is unacceptable, and we can work on putting it behind us and trying to go forward,working toward the happiness we deserve,surrounding ourselves with good decent people.Just because someone says something bad,does not make it true.I can say the sky is green, but when you look up you see blue, and that is just what that bad person relies on, that we will believe what they say to be true.They have had their time in our lives and wasted part of our valuable time.We have to decide not to let them have anymore of it,by putting them in the waste basket, because they are a waste of a human.Look forward to life and what we can make it, a bright and loving future.All that we are entitled to.We may not have the best of bodies.It may have pains and aches, but the deepest thing that can hurt is the heart, but it is also the deepest thing that can make us happy.So,look forward to a future of what you desire to do with your life.There is so much opportunity for real happiness. I wish you the best.You certainly deserve it. RJ
We on the other hand, suffer.They burn things into our minds of negative thoughts of who and what we are.If we look at those people and where they are in life, they don't look all that great and certainly can't be judge and jury of someone else.If they by chance do have a friend, that poor friend does not know what objective is in mind for them.They turn on them with just as much vengence as always.They are full of hate,anger,selfishness and pride.They are number 1,above all.They do everything to succeed in destruction.
We live with the scars that they have given us.We do have choices though.If we decide we are not fit to live as according to them, then we have let them win.It doesn't have to serve any real purpose for them, it is the power and their ability to accomplish.If we look at them for what they are, taking away the blinds of the hurt and tears,we can see the real people that they are, and it is ugly.We are precious and our life is precious.We have a purpose in this world.The ugliness of this world will always be there somewhere, but we don't have to be a part of it.We are free individuals.The mind we carry is ours and it is up to us as to what we choose to accept.The ugly lies is unacceptable, and we can work on putting it behind us and trying to go forward,working toward the happiness we deserve,surrounding ourselves with good decent people.Just because someone says something bad,does not make it true.I can say the sky is green, but when you look up you see blue, and that is just what that bad person relies on, that we will believe what they say to be true.They have had their time in our lives and wasted part of our valuable time.We have to decide not to let them have anymore of it,by putting them in the waste basket, because they are a waste of a human.Look forward to life and what we can make it, a bright and loving future.All that we are entitled to.We may not have the best of bodies.It may have pains and aches, but the deepest thing that can hurt is the heart, but it is also the deepest thing that can make us happy.So,look forward to a future of what you desire to do with your life.There is so much opportunity for real happiness. I wish you the best.You certainly deserve it. RJ
Well its important how its phrased to you. I think its wrong when someone is experiencing suicidal or self destructive urges to act judgmental and say its "selfish". Its important to value the person and remind them why they have reasons to be alive. When I feel that way (which is from the pain from my physical disability, although before recovery I did have those kind of thoughts from my psychiatric disabilities) I do a journal entry listing the reasons I need to be around and keep going from there. I generally suggest that unless a person is seriously suicidal in which case the person needs to call 911 and/or their psychiatrist asap. But if these thoughts come on then detailing in a private journal entry here or just at home what are the good aspects of your life and who needs you around is a start. As for self destructive urges what I tend to do is "convert" them that is try to do something constructive with them. Unless a person is psychotic if they are angry its usually for a good reason. That includes being angry with yourself. It depends what you do with these feelings. Find a way to work them out and do some constructive with them. And I could detail specifics if you told me what was going on...
My "father" is an alcoholic and he persists in reminding me how much everyone in my family despises me and as of late, he told me they all wanted me to do them a favor and kill myself. It seems like as I get older, this stuff just gets worse - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, it's been said or implied and it still hurts, nonetheless. He also likes to tell me that I'm selfish for living. I thought about this in contrast to what doctors (and the majority of the population who don't really understand what they're talking about) say how suicide or self harm is selfish. I don't know what to choose because either way, I'm selfish.
Being constantly hated and looked down upon really *****, plus whatever you're dealing with and more. What makes it harder is trying to fight all of that and find a reason to live if you know it's just going to continue to be like this or get worse. Because honestly, do things ultimately get better? No ... which really isn't me trying to be pessimistic. Life is hard, that's the reality. The in-betweens, well, that's our business. No one can tell you what to do or what not to do. I find peace in letting people know that I respect and value their opinions but it absolutely does not mean I'm going to act out upon them. In the end, it's our decision what to do, despite what everyone else may think. They can't tell us what is harming us and what is good for us. Who knows us the best? Ourselves.
I've had people criticize me for cutting myself, but these are people who have the same problem, just in a different way. For example, smokers. They know what they're doing is wrong, but they continue to do it. By wrong, I mean usually they know what the consequences are, like the possibility of numerous cancers, the price (especially if you live in the North), the fact that some people don't like smoke, etc. Some claim addiction, some don't care. Yet they still smoke - especially when they're stressed out, even though I've heard it doesn't really help. When I cut myself, it's because I may need that relief from whatever is building up. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm just trying to "feel". I know that if I cut myself, I might end up with some scars and some dirty looks from the people who may seem them, but they can't judge what they don't know. And if they do, it's on them, not me. It's hard not caring what other people think, especially the ones you love (which hurts even more), but sometimes you just have to go with what you've got and if it helps, then do it. If you do drugs, fine by me, just do it in the safest possible way - I'm not going to tell you what to do because I'll probably never understand your story.
It's nice, isn't it, to have a place to be able to talk to people who have some inkling of what you're thinking and not take it as a sign of you being completely out of your mind? If someone who doesn't understand calls you crazy, it can hurt and you may want to defend yourself. But if someone here does it, it's in context of an experience similar to what they've had - even if they are trying to be mean, it (at least me) doesn't hurt as much because you know they're full of **** and that they'll get called on it if it's a public post. I always say that the real MFers are the ones who claim that they aren't crazy and the ones who admit it, are going to live a much more fulfilling life.
I find it hard to believe I've made it this far. It's basically impossible for me to think about the future because it's so grim. Having BP is kind of like a misunderstood cancer - it's a disease and unfortunately, it's not going to go away. You can treat it for as long as you think it's worth it ... or not and then you can die. But even if you're heavily medicated, how can you not think about how much it is going to suck when maybe ten years down the road, you're going to feel the same way you do now and take all those freaking medications. It seems like success in the mental illness field is either an unexplained miracle or a lot of drugs. The minimum amount of pills I've tried to shove down my throat on a daily basis is 20 and the sad part is, it's not working. My options are: changing/increasing medication or not. I don't like feeling how I am now, so obviously I'm going to stick it out and go for more. But it's really, really hard to think that this is how it's going to be. ALWAYS. If you don't question these kinds of things, then you're following the philosophy of ignorance is bliss. It's like being surrounded by an island of hot guys/girls and you denying that you don't have any sexual thoughts. Please ... that's just not human.
Being constantly hated and looked down upon really *****, plus whatever you're dealing with and more. What makes it harder is trying to fight all of that and find a reason to live if you know it's just going to continue to be like this or get worse. Because honestly, do things ultimately get better? No ... which really isn't me trying to be pessimistic. Life is hard, that's the reality. The in-betweens, well, that's our business. No one can tell you what to do or what not to do. I find peace in letting people know that I respect and value their opinions but it absolutely does not mean I'm going to act out upon them. In the end, it's our decision what to do, despite what everyone else may think. They can't tell us what is harming us and what is good for us. Who knows us the best? Ourselves.
I've had people criticize me for cutting myself, but these are people who have the same problem, just in a different way. For example, smokers. They know what they're doing is wrong, but they continue to do it. By wrong, I mean usually they know what the consequences are, like the possibility of numerous cancers, the price (especially if you live in the North), the fact that some people don't like smoke, etc. Some claim addiction, some don't care. Yet they still smoke - especially when they're stressed out, even though I've heard it doesn't really help. When I cut myself, it's because I may need that relief from whatever is building up. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm just trying to "feel". I know that if I cut myself, I might end up with some scars and some dirty looks from the people who may seem them, but they can't judge what they don't know. And if they do, it's on them, not me. It's hard not caring what other people think, especially the ones you love (which hurts even more), but sometimes you just have to go with what you've got and if it helps, then do it. If you do drugs, fine by me, just do it in the safest possible way - I'm not going to tell you what to do because I'll probably never understand your story.
It's nice, isn't it, to have a place to be able to talk to people who have some inkling of what you're thinking and not take it as a sign of you being completely out of your mind? If someone who doesn't understand calls you crazy, it can hurt and you may want to defend yourself. But if someone here does it, it's in context of an experience similar to what they've had - even if they are trying to be mean, it (at least me) doesn't hurt as much because you know they're full of **** and that they'll get called on it if it's a public post. I always say that the real MFers are the ones who claim that they aren't crazy and the ones who admit it, are going to live a much more fulfilling life.
I find it hard to believe I've made it this far. It's basically impossible for me to think about the future because it's so grim. Having BP is kind of like a misunderstood cancer - it's a disease and unfortunately, it's not going to go away. You can treat it for as long as you think it's worth it ... or not and then you can die. But even if you're heavily medicated, how can you not think about how much it is going to suck when maybe ten years down the road, you're going to feel the same way you do now and take all those freaking medications. It seems like success in the mental illness field is either an unexplained miracle or a lot of drugs. The minimum amount of pills I've tried to shove down my throat on a daily basis is 20 and the sad part is, it's not working. My options are: changing/increasing medication or not. I don't like feeling how I am now, so obviously I'm going to stick it out and go for more. But it's really, really hard to think that this is how it's going to be. ALWAYS. If you don't question these kinds of things, then you're following the philosophy of ignorance is bliss. It's like being surrounded by an island of hot guys/girls and you denying that you don't have any sexual thoughts. Please ... that's just not human.
I appreciate everyone's thought/words...and this is probabaly the only place I can come where anyone understands.
I thought that by going on meds things would get better. the last med change/additiona had me so hopeful, but then an incidence sent me tumbling and I'm right where I was before. I'm so weak now that it's not only an effort to move...it's an effort to want to move...yet I have a job/family that need to be maintained. so, I fall apart on my way into work and then - in between the shaking and dizzyness - try to get myself together and put on a 'happy' face to do my job...only to fall apart again after work and before I get home...put on a 'happy' face and then fall apart again after eveyone else has fallen asleep. As before, this round is also making me physically sick.
There is a line from a song that says "life is big but this time it was bigger for him to get up off his knees'...I'm there...again.
I also live for my boys...there are many days...and have been many moments when I was seconds away...that they are the only thing that have kept me here. I do not mean this is in a bad way, but that is also frustrating at times. After 20 years of this I'm truly damned if I do, damned if I don't.
The question for me is always...how much more can I take of something i know will never truly 'go away'?
Thanks for listening all. i truly do appreciate a place where i can talk, people listen and respond.
I thought that by going on meds things would get better. the last med change/additiona had me so hopeful, but then an incidence sent me tumbling and I'm right where I was before. I'm so weak now that it's not only an effort to move...it's an effort to want to move...yet I have a job/family that need to be maintained. so, I fall apart on my way into work and then - in between the shaking and dizzyness - try to get myself together and put on a 'happy' face to do my job...only to fall apart again after work and before I get home...put on a 'happy' face and then fall apart again after eveyone else has fallen asleep. As before, this round is also making me physically sick.
There is a line from a song that says "life is big but this time it was bigger for him to get up off his knees'...I'm there...again.
I also live for my boys...there are many days...and have been many moments when I was seconds away...that they are the only thing that have kept me here. I do not mean this is in a bad way, but that is also frustrating at times. After 20 years of this I'm truly damned if I do, damned if I don't.
The question for me is always...how much more can I take of something i know will never truly 'go away'?
Thanks for listening all. i truly do appreciate a place where i can talk, people listen and respond.
Shhh.....
I have to agree with everyone. We all have these feelings. It's very easy to. What I do and think about the most is I will not let this condition have me, I have it.
I have multiple things wrong with me, and let me tell you there are days that I could care less about what anyone else thinks, I hate my life. I am in pain all the time, my brain is fogged, this and that, I have up ups, and down downs. I just try to think that there is something better. I have to tell you this place, as isolated as it seems has helped me to remember I'm not alone in my feelings and sufferings.
I think that a long time ago something was put in our brains that life has to be so perfect, and thats what we strive for, when in all reality, this is life. Life totally stinks sometimes, it hurts, it's not always what we want it to be, but it's life.
I live by a quote I have posted on my wall:
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within." (Ramona Anderson)
I try not to live societies life to the fullest. I don't do what society sees fit for me. I do my life.
I have to agree with everyone. We all have these feelings. It's very easy to. What I do and think about the most is I will not let this condition have me, I have it.
I have multiple things wrong with me, and let me tell you there are days that I could care less about what anyone else thinks, I hate my life. I am in pain all the time, my brain is fogged, this and that, I have up ups, and down downs. I just try to think that there is something better. I have to tell you this place, as isolated as it seems has helped me to remember I'm not alone in my feelings and sufferings.
I think that a long time ago something was put in our brains that life has to be so perfect, and thats what we strive for, when in all reality, this is life. Life totally stinks sometimes, it hurts, it's not always what we want it to be, but it's life.
I live by a quote I have posted on my wall:
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within." (Ramona Anderson)
I try not to live societies life to the fullest. I don't do what society sees fit for me. I do my life.
I stay for my children. Having them live the mess after is too much for me to bear. I wouldn't want anyone of them to think is was something they did or said. Had I known that this was what our lives would be like I would have stayed single. What my husband has been throuh is hell. After 20 years he is tired of caring for me and picking up the pieces.
I think there is a reason for each one of us to stay. You never really know who you have touched with your life. Like in the movie It's a Wonderful Life". It has a ripple effect.
I think there is a reason for each one of us to stay. You never really know who you have touched with your life. Like in the movie It's a Wonderful Life". It has a ripple effect.
The things that stop me are the fact that no matter how much I think I may be hurting those around me during my worse moments, I know for a fact that they would be more hurt if I "left" them.
I hold on to the moments that I am glad to be alive - if I'm in a slump I try and remember the moments that I'm ok with being here.
As rliz has said it is different for everyone, it is a personal journey, choice, decision.
You do need to talk to your psych again and soon.
I hold on to the moments that I am glad to be alive - if I'm in a slump I try and remember the moments that I'm ok with being here.
As rliz has said it is different for everyone, it is a personal journey, choice, decision.
You do need to talk to your psych again and soon.
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