Is my wife lying about bi-polar

[bigmuny]

First met my wife when she was 16 in 1969 and I asked her to marry me in 1970 before I went to Vietnam, yet when I came back I had a bad case not only being physically wounded but mentally as well..somewhere along the lines of severe bi-polar but it was just PTSD for me..I knew I couldn't care for her or take care of myself so I left, she became heartbroken and suffered about our breakup for years and basically all her life..I have always loved her and never married for fear of losing that love and wanting to get back to her someday..so guess what..having moved back to my mother's house from Florida to take care of her and her cancer she calls the house like she has done for year to talk to my mother but this time I answer the phone..we talk and explained what happened, she got married 3 times had 2 girls..been divorced all those 3 times...I didn't realize the pain I caused her and the things she did to herself b/c of me leaving her..I asked her to marry me as I wanted to fulfill what I did from 1970..in fact I was actively looking for her at the time she called..my brother was living and working in the same city she was living in and I found her telphone and address and was going to call her when she called me..odd but we both have known we still loved each other across the divide. We got married in August...the one thing was I never had sex with her back then and I swore I wouldn't have sex with her until we married..old school I guess but I was brought up that way and pop's instilled that into my mind..not that I haven't had sex which is easy if you don't have feelings or love for someone but someone I was going to spend my life with it was an issue with me and she respected me for that..I bought a house in the City she lives in and I am still 2 states away taking care of my mother..She tells me after marriage about her bi-polar issues and I thought I understood the but man was I off base..she swings low to high and back again..we have been together 3 times sexually..I have spent 3 nights in my own home..when I tell her I am coming up she seems to get really frightened about me coming up sometimes asking me to stay in a motel..can you believe that..my home..I pay the bills..all of them and ask me to stay in a motel..I could stay in another bedroom but I am just not going to do that..last time I was up there I spent one night with her and her daughter was there from out of state going to college and they argue, she gets depressed so I leave and come back home...I am tyring to understand this disease and I want to stay by her but some things she has done leads me to believe otherwise..she is always bringing up why I left her, she cries and goes back to that time, even after 36 years..I look at her when she goes through these episodes as leaving me as I haven't heard from her in going on 3 weeks now.. I will not call her b/c it will just lead to anger..from me and her..I don't think she is screwing around on me, in fact I am pretty fairly confident as she is extremely private with her life and doesn't want other's to know what is going on with her...Her two girls give her all sorts of grief but instead of cutting them loose on their own she is still looking at them like they are kids.  I don't know whether she is just using me for her kids as I have signed for automobiles for them and they each are going to college through my GI bill and so is she..she is getting her masters..what do I get out of this marriage besides being broke, emotionally cutoff from my adopted family and her, well nothing that I can think of beside wondering what it is she is really after or what she is trying to get from me..her actions and her words just don't add up.  She says she is taking her meds but I don't think she is..she has diabetes and high blood pressure..no wonder..stress is killing her..when I tell her I want to help she says there is nothing I can do..I know I want to take care of my home b/c the last time I went up there I noticed things need to be taken care of and she just can't do it by herself..no I can't hire someone..she would never allow that..So I am thinking of getting a sign and posting it in the yard For Sale and wait on her to respond to me..I get so pissed at her actions toward me but I hold it back because I want to be supportive and she says give her time and space to work things out..work what out..the only thing I can think of is US..does she want to be married to me or not..would she be better off by herself or would she still be experiencing these "moments" is what she calls them..and yes her mother dropped her off at her grandparents at 6 months old..she thinks and feels her grandfather molested her b/c she had to sleep with him and she knows he molested her cousin but she didn't live with them..her mother was a real ***** and was very nasty toward her, saying she is the abortion she should have had and other things that a normal mother wouldn't say to their kids which is why she is so overly protective of her b/c she doesn't want to be like her mother..she talks of not wanting to be alive..not necessarily killing herself just wishing she wasn't that's all.  One husband died after 3 years of marriage, the other got caught messing around and the other was a pervert with children..I guess I really don't know but I don't believe she is a liar by nature, I can only believe what she tells me until something else proves otherwise.  I know I am a good man..a loving man who came from a family much different than hers..ours was a family that celebrated holidays, birthdays etc., and showed our affections..much different than what she accustomed to..I know I am good for her but does she want that or does she want abuse in her life as that is how she measures emotional contact..she has asked me before about me standing up to her..what would I do if she did this or that..would I slap her if she got out of line..she wanted me to slap her..I don't know about that..to me that is sick..she asked me about all my sexual exploits with other women..did I slap them..was I rough with them..she wanted to know all the intimate details..she fantasizes about me having rough sex with her...I am not taking about hurting or beating but what we have come to term as slam *******..she has those daydreams but what would she do if I came in and threw her down and commenced to pounding her??  Call the police..she ask me a question.."Can a man rape his wife??"  I said yes..she doesn't agree with that..she is old school in that way..she said she would never call the police on me and I believe her..I was in my younger days pretty wild and reckless with my life..trying to work out my problems..her Uncle was the Police Commissioner in his day who got caught stealing..her father was a leg breaker for the Southern mafia, her side of the family killed each other or shot each other often when she was just a kid growing up..they beat each other..pretty bad stuff..When she gets like this I liken it to the time I use to leave her for days and weeks on end as I was trying to get over something I didn't know I had PTSD..I couldn't get close to anyone..I had dreams, nightmares, drug abuse and you name it..something a 17 years could not handle which is why I did what I did..I could not hold a job to take care of her but she fails to see that is again is upset about it to this day as she is still trying to get over that time..but she doesn't see where hers and mine are basically the same..she leaves me but she does so mentally and emotionally..much the way I did her..well she leaves me physically also..I just don't see how we can live together...Should I divorce and go on with my life or stick beside her..I love her..yes very much..would me leaving hurt her?? Of course..  I apologize for rambling but this to me is serious as I have a decision to make here and looking for answers..thanks for any help all.

[LeftCoastChick]

I have to second what the other's have posted, but if you don't have a psychiatrist and/or therapist - you're going to stay stuck yourself. PTSD doesn't go away on it's own, it may be the key to why you are still with your spouse.  If a person with BP and/or BPD isn't willing to help themselves out, how can you work things out as a couple?   If anything, see someone yourself, it couldn't hurt and it may help you with your own ptsd behaviours. Much luck to you.

[therese83]

I think she wants to be 'stable and together' but cant unless she sees a really good psychiatrist and gets sorted out.  You should really encourage her to do this.

I am sorry to hear about your Mom and I admire the way you are taking care of her.  I hope thinkgs change with your wife, no matter how good her intentions are she cannot 'hold it together' without the right medication.  A GP cannot help her, it is too complicated, she needs a good psychiatrist.

[bigmuny]

Thanks for the comments..for one she doesn't have a psychiatrist, her primary doctor gives her the medication for bipolar..I have loved this girl, woman all my life and on that level we both feel that bond that we belong and have been so called destined to each other...I will have to wait until she crawls out from under her rock to deal with things on a communicative level..She doesn't have a problem with me being here with my mother and in fact it was something we talked about before we were married in that I will take care of my mother and one of the reasons I am here now is to keep my sister from trying to move in and that is another story in and of itself..my wife has repeatedly stated she would love to have my mother move in with us and I appreciate her offering our house like that but my problem is exposing my mother to these mood swings and I ask her about that.."What are you going to do when you experience one of your 'moments' with my mother here?"  She said she could maintain or control any outward signs of troubles or things bothering her...still I am not confident in that..the house is big enough to get away from each other if necessary..My mother doesn't have long to live and I just don't want to uproot her at this time in her life...
I know when my wife comes back from Oz that I will have to tell either she gets some psychiatric help and stay on her meds or we need to reconsider our marriage..would this hurt..hell yes..I dread having to go through the heartpain and pain I may be causing her.  I made that sort of comment once before and she changed her attitude really quick..I tell her what she is doing has ramifications for everyone around her..it is not just her involved but anyone she has contact with..we all suffer...
Can anyone tell me if her wanting to be cutoff from everyone, no phone calls only doing what is absolutely necessary to get by..she has to go to work obviously and how she maintains a day at the college seems difficult to maintain but she does..but do bipolar persons on their downside seclude themselves and if so what is a normal time they cut themselves off before the upside begins??  She has these very intense anxiety attacks and I can relate because I had what was termed as an anxiety attack where I felt cutoff from body and mind..felt like I was losing my mind and had no control over my thoughts racing through my head..fear, fright..felt like I was going nuts and actually started to call 911..that's how bad it was but it was the only time I ever experienced anything like that..but that's how she feels when she has her attacks on top of her bipolar issues..I can sympathize with her and feel helpless to try to help her..
I thank you all for your keen insight into this disease and hope to hear more from you all..it helps and I look forward to it..take care..god bless everyone..

[zzzmykids]

Dear bigmuny,
It does sound like her meds are out of balance and she needs to go to her pdoc.
I am not sure why she said, "I Do", but some things just don't add up.
First, if you are taking care of your mom, is it in her familiar surroundings? Second, could you move your mom in with you and your wife?
Yes her diabetes needs to be attended to and so does her high blood pressure. BUT most of all you need to make your marriage a marriage.  If that means going with her to her pdoc, insist.  Or see him on your own and get advice from him/her.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Psych meds can lead to long term sexual disfuction and lack of interest on the part of the one taking them.
Your intent of marrying her was to right a wrong, love faithfully the one you left behind and spend the rest of your life with her.  It is not your fault that she has had three failed marriages nor that her daughters treat her poorly.
I have bp2, my girls are grown and sometimes treat me as a person needing help, but the majority of the time we still remain loving and respectful, so it is not the bp that causes her girls to do this.....mine have seen me at every level of the disorder including lock down.
You have some serious decisions to make, hopefully through prayer.
You have helped keep America alive by fighting for us, fight for your marriage...if you can.
zzzmykids

[therese83]

My god what a story.  It sounds like she is not on the right medication as she is still experiencing strong symptoms.

I dont know, I dont think you should blame yourself for her messed up life.  You are not resposible for that.  I do not know how else to advise, only that you have tried your best and you are being messed around now for sure.

Best wishes

[ILADVOCATE]

You might want to speak to her psychiatrist with her about having her medications adjusted. Her diabetes and high blood pressure need to be treated by a doctor. They might potentially be a side effect of one of the medications but that can be managed. Only a psychiatrist can provide a diagnosis but with borderline personality disorder a person is emotionally manipulative as you describe. That is treated with medication, talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. Worth speaking to her psychiatrist about.