I NEED HELP PLEASE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

[mamateama]

Okay so i'm married to a man who every once in awhile can be so great, but most of the time he's lazy and seems unaffected by what goes on around him. We fight alot & it ALL starts because he keeps doing or not doing things that we've already had many fights about. When i say fight i mean argue! Anyways for example-THE CAT LITTER BOX- We have 3 cats & 3 dogs, 2 cats use the litter box, the other 1 goes outside. If the litter box isn't kept completely clean 1 of the dogs will pee around the area of the box. And 1 of  the 2 boxtrained cats will poop outside of the box i it isn't completely clean. So  my husband knows this & walks past the litter box a dozen or more times everyday, & he'll only clean it IF I TELL HIM TOO!   I tell him i shouldn't have to tell you stuff like that because i'm NOT YOUR MOM! He tells me that he doesn't act like he expects me to be like his mom, but he does if he expects me to have to tell him what is needed to be done!  I have ALOT of problems like just recently got diagnosed with aspergers, & i've been diagnosed with anxiety, ptsd, depression, emotionally oversensitive & i also have physical problems. Such as fibromyalgia, digestive problems & a few more but i don't want to get into it all. Because i'm getting off my point, which is with everything i got going on i can still manage to takecare of things without being told to do it. If someone points something out to me it usually takes at the most twice. He is bi-polar & suffers from depression as well, & he is so freakin smart it's not funny. But what he does is sit in his chair & smoke cigs (which i pay for) watching t.v. (a big flat screen that i paid for) And when he does do something it's because someone asked him to, & even then he does it when he wants too. He hasn't had a job in 3 years. He hasn't  even looked for one, last year though i excuse the fact that he didn't have a job or looked for one. Because his dad is really ill,& his mom doesn't drive or even have a D.L. Anyways last year was spent driving back & forth to the  Veterans hospital, which is 3 hrs. from our home, one way. So he had alot going on, but the 2 years before that & the last few months he has had NOTHING going on. He just got done (after 3 days) filling out an app to a place that i heard on the radio. And instead of bringing it down today, he called them & lied saying our son had a dr.'s appt. today so he wouldn't be able to get down there until Monday. So then he took of to go visit a friend. We've been together for 12yrs, & married for 9, in that time we've gone thru alot, & i've always tried to be open with him, & show him he can be that way with me. We ALWAYS fight over the same things. And it gets started when i open my mouth to tell him the same **** over & over & over again. My whole point is WHY is it okay or me to put 110% in but only 30% for him. I feel like i'm supposed to be a mother to him, & i can't do that! Like i mentioned before I have ALOT of things wrong with me but yet i still manage to do stuff!    IF I CAN DO IT WHY CAN'T HE??  I feel most of the time like he's lazy & selfish, & definitely takes me & EVERYONE/THING for granted. I'm trying to better myself, not only for myself but for our son, & i wish he'd do the same. Start taking life more seriously, do something about anything!  I want a husband not another child, i love him sooooo very very much, i don't want to be without him. And i  tell him all of this, sometimes when i'm upset & sometimes when i'm not upset, &  MANY times but it's like he doesn't care enough to want to do anything about it. That in it's self makes me believe that he doesn't love me as much as i do him. I tell him that to, i say "when you don't make the effort or even think there is a reason to put one forth, it makes me feel like you don't love me, at least not in the way you should!"  I think he loves me like he loves the rest of his family, of which he says he don't really care too much about!  He doesn't love me like he should, like i'm the love of his life, his soulmate, like when he sees me as a wonderful thing & is greatful for having me in his life. That's how i feel about him, except when we argue. When we argue i want to punch him in the face. For some reason i think if i can hit him then he will feel the pain  in my heart that he causes by not putting forth an effort! Sometimes he makes false promises, & i don't know why i stay to see them fail!  I pay for everything too and i don't get that much a month, a little over 700.00. So we live with his parents because i can't afford to have my own place. He's too lazy to get stuff done, but lazy at all when it comes to something he wants someone to buy for him. PLEASE HELP ME TO EITHER ACCEPT FOR HOW HE IS OR TO MOVE ON!  

[Anneinside]

Yes, he should be contributing in some way, but no, you are not going to change that by continuing to harp at him. He obviously is not going to change. That means if you want things to be different you will have to be the one to change behavior. When you described how you complain to him and tell him what to do I immediately felt resistive myself. If you want to save this marriage you are going to have to do something else and one of those things would be counseling, for you or both of you if he will go.

He has bipolar and some of his behavior may be attributed to his bipolar but probably not all of it. Is he taking medication for bipolar and seeing a psychiatrist? If not, then I would work on that instead of the litter boxes.

[badge213]

I agree with lindahand, couples therapy would be the best place to start. You say he won't go, but I think it would benefit you and him both to convince him. There's a lot of history between you too and going through the same old argument again and again will only produce the same results. We all need help to get out of the rut sometimes, good luck.

[jimgreg]

wow a book..have you ever took it upon yourself to read what bipolars go threw?? were all alot difft than eachother..ive had before what hes going threw.my x was a witty person and always on the go..me i wanted to die..met my new wife alot better..it realy hard to put a answer on how to help you both..i had to re-read this 2x..i cant relate to you,im mixed bipolar..however i can relate to you man..but it does sound to me as if your putting  alot of effort in..but on the flipside hes bipolar meaing ups and downs..so you have it already in your thoughts of your answers here what your going to do,,is stay or leave him,,hmmm tough one..you also stated your married..but at the end of your book you said you live with parents,you cant afford a home for you rite now..12 yrs long time to up and leave due to a illness..us mental ill,are that of any illness sugar,cancer etc..its all a illness..gosh i hope you dont leave your man and your rock best friend..counsling i duuno bout that..he wont go cuz i sure wouldnt go..i would like to hear what hes got to say..cuz your letter is 70% about you..he has no defence on his behalf..by the way i read ur book..ive made appts and canceld them over,over again,,cuz of panic reasons,,or agorphobia..now if ur man sits and does nothing for not being a bipolar then yes hes very lazy..but by what you have shared here,,hes bipolar and deppressed!! your deppressed cuz of him seems..you said hes a great man when he wants to be..i bet hes a real great man,,most male beepers are great to there familys..i had a very,very hard time keeping up with this book..i know its easter,,a old post..i have to realy hope you both worked it out..leaving a man or a woman cuz of a mental illness,,and secondairy to helping you is a bad thing!!

[mamateama]

:) Yes i do need assertiveness training, & he won't go to couples therapy. And so sorry for the long paragraphs! :)

[lindahand]

Couples therapy would be a good thing. Arguing gets you nowhere. Maybe if you checked out some assertiveness training for yourself. I get frustrated with my husband sometimes too. The garbage is his responsibility but I have to tell him 70% of the time "Would you take the garbage out?" But tables are turned a bit as he works full time and I am only able to work part-time. I feel crappy not being able to contribute more to the household.

And just a little hint. Breaking things into paragraphs every few lines makes it much easier to read. I had a heck of a time getting through that.