Just venting

[DEJ4120]

I feel like I just woke up and missed all of my life since my late teens.  I am unemployed and face homelessness if/when my unemployment benefits cease. I was in a marriage for most of my adult life. My ex-"husband" has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was cruel. A mentally healthy person would barely survive the hell he put me through. I had no support and didn't know that I was bipolar. He knew I needed help and that I had a mental illness. If I had the support that one would expect from a normal spouse, I would not be as bad off as I am now. He would not allow me to go to school, tried to keep me in menial jobs, would not allow me to have a car, told me I could not do anything well or right, choked me and caused a fracture in my neck, took credit for all that I did well and blamed me for anything that he messed up. To everyone he was the long-suffering, put upon, poor husband of a lunatic. I had no support during my adult life and now find myself with no degree, a severe mental illness, no job and no one to count on. I have two daughters whose childhoods I was barely there for. I don't want to be a burden to my daughters. I don't want to leave them to deal with my suicide.
I have no support system and I am practically a hermit. Tough going.

[DEJ4120]

Thank you for the advice and compassion. I have made a to do list from all of the advice. I am fighting hopelessness. I am still having a bit of a pity party since my diagnosis. Sorry to send out invitations, but thank you all for showing up. This site is a godsend. And all of you on it are priceless. Feeling better...

[zzzmykids]

I am sorry for all the things you have endured. The abuse, the isolation from your girls and the feeling of time lost.
My first concern is the idea of suicide and how far it is currently. 1 being okay and 10 being ready to act upon with the plan visable. Call 1-800-suicide. Go to a hospital, can't get out call 311 and ask for a well check from  the police. Or if in your area you have a mental hospital which does well checks contact them. Your life is worth living, tomorrow, the next day soon you will believe this and be relieved you chose to stay here.
Now on alienation, two girls, life. My husband is awesome and supportive, we differ there. My sister has been horrible to me all my life and has made it hard for me to feel good about myself. Our two daughters have seen their Mom in bed more than up and doing the typical Mom and Wife stuff, regret is painful....but I have come to some resolve in this matter with lots of work. Allienation. I have several intimate great girlfriends that I have lost due to my acting out, sharp tongue and just being in bed so much they have after long time friendship walked away.
It may seem so dark right now, but it will get better. You are worth staying here, you are needed, loved and there is hope. Please tell your brain it is not the boss of you and you will fight to get well and stable.

[beelzebubba]

I hear you. All I can tell you is that I applied for and won SSDI (which I think means Social Security Disability Insurance) when I was 43 and have been on it ever since. It sure isn't a whole bunch of money but if you can get by on unemployment benefits you probably can on SSDI. Of course if you feel it would be better for you to work than definitely try the programs the others suggested first. The benefit of working is undeniable. I miss having a job every day (if that sounds possible).
As for dealing with the illness, there should be some low cost/sliding scale services available in your area. Find some councilor to talk to. You are in a bad place and shouldn't let everything lie on your shoulders. Get some help at this time. You are a person of value no matter what that idiot told you. Don't let him keep pushing you down.

[lindahand]

I agree with ILadvocate. A place that specializes in helping people with disabilities get employment can't hurt. And in Canada at least there are grants for people with disabilities to obtain secondary schooling. I've used an agency that helps people with mental illness find and keep jobs.

ps. I didn't learn how to drive until I was 28 because my husband wouldn't let me use the car. Thankfully he left me - best gift he ever gave me.

[ILADVOCATE]

Well I would start by consulting with agencies that help people with disabilities find employment. As well they certainly could provide training for the skills you would need for other jobs that might have more of an income. If you are unable to work because of your disability you could apply for Social Security. There are other benefits you should be eligible for as well (such as Medicaid or if you are able to obtain work and its in your state the Medicaid Buy in for Working People with Disabilities, other benefits as well). Supported housing for a person with a psychiatric disability is one option if that ever becomes a concern. You could find out more about all of this at your local independent living center. As for the traumatic experiences you have been through there are support groups that could be of help.