I need help...what should I do?

[Jassygee2192]

No one will ever understand me
The **** that goes thru a bipolar persons mind
It's sickening
Half the time it makes me want to puke
The emotionless moments where you're basically a walking zombie
How you end up pushing everyone away
No matter how much they care for you and are there for you
It's so painful when you end up quitting a job because you were manic
And then you end up staying broke with no money
Then when you end up feeling irritated with yourself because you just don't have the strength to pull the trigger on your life
When you're so depressed you just want someone to take care of you
But yet you have no one because you've pushed everyone that has ever cared about you away
How is this life?
Why was I chosen with this disorder?
It doesn't ever make any sense to be honest
Maybe I need to check myself in the hospital...
Maybe it's time to start my medication again
I'm not sure what I need to do
Because I swear I felt like jumping in front of a car tonight
And I wouldn't of even cared
I have no job and I have no money...
Yet I don't care if I stay homeless

[CRSeaside]

Hi Jassygee,  things will turn around. You found us & we will help you cope.
Yes. Bipolar needs to be addressed by the Pdoc sometimes & his handy bag of tricks. ( medications).  
     Sometimes it's good to do exactly what you are doing. Talk about what's going on in your head & how it's affecting your life.  They say we love someone because that person stimulates neuro pathways in the brain. Bipolar disorder complicates that, as you've seen. Next time you find love, use your intellect more than your emotions. Fake it till ya make it kind of thing.  Treating someone who is kind to you in any other way will end up badly.  When I crash hard after a cycle of mania, I have my go to people.
    You need a similar support system in place. Resisting the urge to act a fool
is part of learning how to live with the bipolar disorder.
     It's like someone who has a bad temper. They could work at learning to control their temper. But something in them craves the surge. They like all that adrenalin. Probably haven't learned how to get it any other way. So they yell & scream. Say hurtful things & at the time don't really consider the consequences.  
       Do you see the parallel?  The big difference is you have a disorder. These bad temper people could just learn simple lessons. Your lessons are harder. Only by forcing yourself into different behavior patterns will you get the break you need in life. That's why medication can help. But you will still always have to call upon inner strength to come to terms with the disorder.
    I've been all the places you've been in life. Sometimes we get luck on our side & someone else can show us the ropes.
    Show compassion for your fellow man. Think of others. If anyone jumped in front of your car, no matter the reason, this would end up causing you a great deal of suffering.
    If your thoughts become so bad, get to an emergency room. Really. Pamela

[Bubulous]

It sounds like the story of my life too.  I can say however that it has slowed down for me to the point that I don't fully push people away any longer.  I may get angry at times or isolate but I will still try to maintain contact with the people who are important in my life.  Like Pamela said it is a process that starts with a lot of practicing and "faking it till you make it".
I was broke with no job or vehicle for 3 years up until about 6 months ago when I got my disability.  Although that life was a little disappointing at times and it was hard to fight depression I still kept fighting.  Endurance and patience go a very long way.

[Goodbipolar]

Now that's bipolar!!!! Mmmm for starters what you feel and think its normal to me just not a lot of others only cause they too scared to jump under a car yes you a bang on with what your saying its dark n cold n you feel that ur the only one there well you are so look into real hard and take a price of it back cause its urs anyway just don't get greedy and take to much at a time eventually you will feel what I'm saying cause no book will teach you.... You!!