Aa
Scared to move on
Ok, I went through MANY ECT and had to ask dr. to stop last May because I don't think he had any intention of stopping. I lost many memories - good memories- the bad ones seem to stay put. I lost a lot of cognitive functioning. He took me off my anti-seizure meds and never put me back on. I had a grand-mal seizure and now I can't drive for 6 months, so I'm not working. I can't collect disability because I can work, I just can't get there. I am a teacher and was subbing but I can't get the bus at the right times to get be to schools on time. - There is my rant.
So, I want to move on. I stopped seeing the dr. who gave me ECT but can't get in to see another psych dr. until September. I didn't trust the old one and trust is a main ingredient to a good dr.-patient relationship. I am looking for a job, I need to work, but I am scared to death! I am of an age where I need to get a job and stick with it. I am good at what I do but I would get "sick" and not be able to stay at a job past one academic year. Like I said, I want to move on, I want to feel some success. And I guess I'm just scared that I'll fail.
So, I want to move on. I stopped seeing the dr. who gave me ECT but can't get in to see another psych dr. until September. I didn't trust the old one and trust is a main ingredient to a good dr.-patient relationship. I am looking for a job, I need to work, but I am scared to death! I am of an age where I need to get a job and stick with it. I am good at what I do but I would get "sick" and not be able to stay at a job past one academic year. Like I said, I want to move on, I want to feel some success. And I guess I'm just scared that I'll fail.
Best Answer
Thanks for your words of encouragement! I want to teach but I get very emotionally attached to the children in my care. I worry for them and quite honestly I have enough on my plate to worry about. I seem to go full steam into a new position then get so sick because I work endlessly to try and fix things that probably can't be fixed or that I'm not equipped to deal with. My work history is not great because I get too sick to finish out a contract. There are many teacher lay-offs in my area right now so the "industry" is flooded with applicants and I don't think any school is going to want me. Not because I'm not good at what I do but perhaps because I'm too good at what I do.
I need to work for financial reasons so I'm thinking maybe of a career change but I have no idea to what and I'm going to miss teaching.
I need to work for financial reasons so I'm thinking maybe of a career change but I have no idea to what and I'm going to miss teaching.
I was taken off the anti-seizure before ECT since the whole purpose of ECT is to have a seizure (in a controlled environment) and that wouldn't happen if I were taking the meds. I am seeing a Neurologist and some of the info I've found out is good yet disconcerting.
I have health insurance, its just that all psych dr in my area are that busy that if you need a new patient appt you have to wait that long until they can get you in.
I'm going to try teaching again. I feel fine now, but I'm not working and its easier to say you feel fine when the pressure isn't on. I'm just afraid of failing. I love teaching - I was born to do it and I just don't want to fail or let people down (including myself).
I have health insurance, its just that all psych dr in my area are that busy that if you need a new patient appt you have to wait that long until they can get you in.
I'm going to try teaching again. I feel fine now, but I'm not working and its easier to say you feel fine when the pressure isn't on. I'm just afraid of failing. I love teaching - I was born to do it and I just don't want to fail or let people down (including myself).
Not sure why they would take you off anti-seizure medications unless there was a specific interaction. If you are having seizures that would generally be medically neccessary. If you are still having seizures or even the potential of one you should see a neurologist or even just a standard doctor so they can see what is going on. As I've posted before trans cranial magnetic stimulation is one safer alternative to ECT which generally is effective for a period of time and then might need to be repeated which would be of concern if you experienced long term side effects. Regardless you should be able to find health care insurance that would cover a psychiatrist now. If you have coverage and can't find a psychiatrist you could speak to your local NAMI chapter. If you don't have health care coverage and seeking it and for more information on what places there are that help people with disabilities find work and also how you could set up a reasonable accommodation so that you could work at a job you were otherwise able to do you could speak to your local independent living center:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
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The fear of failure can be powerful. I've struggled a lot with this, because my natural predisposition is to be a complete perfectionist. I only actually started to lose this fear once I actually DID fail, and I failed hard. The impossible had come true, and it was horrifying for a really long time. But with time, I started to see that a) I was still alive, no one had been hurt, except for my GPA and my pride and a few friendships, and b) there's always a way to come back from that failure, to make it up to yourself and the people who you may have let down. It doesn't necessarily mean "the end" of whatever it is you're pursuing. For me personally, I had to first pick my jaw up off the floor and somehow get over the fact that my life was entirely different than what I ever imagined it to be. Then, with a lot of help, I was able to climb my way back to a reasonable level of success. I guess after that, I was less fearful of failure because I saw that it's not always a permanent state.
A question I have is, what is your definition of failure in this scenario? Is it becoming too ill to work, or not being able to perform at work as well as you had been able to before? Sometimes it helps to think about what exactly it is that you're afraid of failing at. Then, you can start to think about what the worst possible outcome of this failure is. Most often, it's not going to be an irreversible outcome. It's hard to think that you'll be letting people down, but just go easy on yourself right now. You've quite obviously been through a lot, and you're still dealing with some very difficult and heavy things. Try to remember that, and give yourself a little credit for even still wanting to go back and try again, even if you're terrified of it not working out! We need teachers who still love to teach right now, but of course it'll be worth it for you as well to get back into what you really enjoy doing with your life. Good luck!