Mood swings

[ThaisForte]

I am a 23 years old woman and I have been struggling with mood changes what seems forever. I've never felt "normal", whatever this means. I have never reacted to some sorts of situations the same way other people do. Since I can remember everything starts pretty much like this: I am full of energy, felling extremely well about myself and I usually get a load of things to be done that is above heavy. Even tough people say I would never be able to accomplish all the things I am planning, I always believe I can. And I even start planning things to be done during the night. Who needs to sleep anyway? I can handle this for a certain time, but out of the blue, everything starts falling apart and everything I just loved, don't make any difference at all. Sometimes I even start to hate them. The job of my dreams, the one I pictured myself doing forever, becomes unbearable. Just well as everything else in my life. Coming out of bed becomes difficult. Everything just stops making sense. But somehow this all changes again. And I can in 1 year love and hate the same thing over and over again. it's just so tiring.

The same thing happens with my relationships. I start a relationship with some guy and I see myself with them forever. I picture myself starting a family with this person. But somehow I start hating this man and can't even hear his voice. But this also happens with everyone else. I can go through this with everyone. But once in a while life is just amazing. I love the way I look, I love my career, my friends and I feel like anything is possible.

I am in a exchange program right now living what most people want to. But during these 9 months I have loved and hated the experience several times. And with just no reason. I looked for the help of a psychologist here because I was feeling really low. I mean , reeeeeeeeeeeeally low. And I was feeling really suicidal, what was not the first time in my life. One night I drank too much, recorded a goodbye video and took an entire box of medicine (the wrong ones, apparently). And I also self harm. Sometimes I feel so out of control that it's just one of the things that helps me. What clearly doesn't since my problems are still here. I also get this anxiety attacks and I feel like I am going crazy!!! It's just so annoying! I just cannot seem to have a normal life!

My psychologist said that I might have Bipolar Disorder, which I am not really sure about. I have been trying to track my moods and they just don't seem to have a pattern. My emotions are just all over the place. Is it possible to be bipolar even if the mood changes just don't follow a pattern???

Thanks a lot!!!!! I feel like I have become my problems and it just not feel good...

[Anonymouse88]

Definitely see a psychiatrist.  Lifestyle changes, including dumping the alcohol, which might help short term but really hurts long term, exercising more, and doing some form of psychotherapy can all be important parts of getting better, but they're usually only fully effective for mild to moderate depressions.  They certainly help in more severe disorders, but you'll need some sort of medication.  Suicidal depression and a suicide attempt in the absence of extreme life trauma points to a disease, not something you can just think or will yourself out of.  Just check to make sure that any medication they put you on is approved for use in the US, or you'll be screwed when you come back.

I recommend checking out the crazymeds.us website for more info about meds.  There's a great wiki which puts the prescribing info into plain English, and forums full of people who have taken these meds and can give you honest answers about experiences good and bad.  The idea of medication is often quite scary at first, but you will likely end up kicking yourself if you wait a few years before giving in and finding something that works, and realized you wasted years being miserable or screwing up your life due to illness.

[ThaisForte]

Thank you very much for your answer. I've been really worried about it and I get this feeling that I just can't take it anymore. I even thought about quitting this exchange program and going back home to take care of myself. I am really afraid about what I can do to myself when I am felling low. But as always, this thought of going home just goes away and I think that everything I had thought was not reasonable... And thank you very much for the advice about the liquor... but sometimes it seems to be the only thing that helps...

[CRSeaside]

Psychologists can not prescribe drugs. But in my view shouldn't be against you seeing a Psychiatrist.  I fought against my own bipolar diagnoses though. I went to a few " experts" in the field and unfortunately got the same answers.
  But there are members in my support group that medicine makes a big difference in their lives.   I do continue to work on the disorder with a psychologist though.   It seems harder if you drink liquor too. Just a thought.

[ThaisForte]

And thanks a lot for replying. I just feel that nobody understands what I am going through. When I tell how I feel they say it's normal and that I should just get over it. But it can't be normal. How can a person get the same feelings I do and still be able to handle them easily? Either they are too strong or I am too week.. Life just seems pretty hard every day and I just can't stand quitting all the things I start...

[ThaisForte]

Yes! That's exactly what I want! At the same time I want... I once on a while try to talk me out of the idea of looking for help and I think that I can deal with my things on my own. But I never can. It has been like this forever. My psychologist just doesn't seem to wan me to see a doctor. But I feel like a need and not knowing for sure what's wrong is driving me into an endless anxiety... so I should probably see a doctor, right?

[CRSeaside]

Hi. You can indeed be suffering bipolar.  The chemicals in your brain may somehow be low and then later high.
  A big warning sign is your attempted suicide. But there is hope & help. Some people do extremely well on medication.  I've read a lot of good things about Lamotrigene. Brand name Lamictal.  Or lithium salt.
Talk to a Dr and see if medication is the answer.
  I know how strong impulses from the brain feel.  You want your decisions based on logic & love. Right?  Pamela