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Moral/Spiritual Battles
OK...so coming off a hallucination last night after a stressful conversation about some issues I'm trying to deal with as a result of BP. I have a question about folks thoughts around moral/spiritual balance in the midst of the storm that sometimes controls you more than you control it.
Basically...how do you balance it? how do you believe anymore?
Having been raised in a christian church, being deeply involved as a kid, one of these families that went to church everytime the doors were open for every service/event...I've not been in a church for some time now. According to the religous doctrine that was drilled in my head, I feel my "sins" based on my actions/affects of BP mania and deep depression have long since distanced me from God or grace. Part of my issues is that I can't - won't - forgive myself for the harm/hurt I've caused others. If I hurt myself, I have no issues with that...but when it's others and I realize what I've done...it kills me and puts me in that place where any darkness or end had to be better than the light.
What do you do when you can't hear god's voice anymore? When you look back over your life and realize how messed you've made it - not only for you - but for others. When final silence and the punishment of Hell is justified in your mind...and you just don't care anymore.
..and yes...the holidays (from thanksgiving to Valentines day) I hate. No good memories here...only things I wish I could escape.
Basically...how do you balance it? how do you believe anymore?
Having been raised in a christian church, being deeply involved as a kid, one of these families that went to church everytime the doors were open for every service/event...I've not been in a church for some time now. According to the religous doctrine that was drilled in my head, I feel my "sins" based on my actions/affects of BP mania and deep depression have long since distanced me from God or grace. Part of my issues is that I can't - won't - forgive myself for the harm/hurt I've caused others. If I hurt myself, I have no issues with that...but when it's others and I realize what I've done...it kills me and puts me in that place where any darkness or end had to be better than the light.
What do you do when you can't hear god's voice anymore? When you look back over your life and realize how messed you've made it - not only for you - but for others. When final silence and the punishment of Hell is justified in your mind...and you just don't care anymore.
..and yes...the holidays (from thanksgiving to Valentines day) I hate. No good memories here...only things I wish I could escape.
Do you know the Serenity Prayer? Have you tried repeating it to yourself? When I know I can't make up for something I've done, I try to put that in the "things I cannot change" category and move on as best I can. Have you discussed this with your therapist?
I am agnostic. I have a very rigid moral code, however. I am not great at forgiving myself, but I'm better than I used to be. I believe getting back into therapy will help. I find that my morals/ethics have been a handicap in situations, especially when I was working. People do things regularly that I think are wrong and it doesn't bother them at all. When I do something wrong, I am usually filled with shame and regret, but for whatever reason, the amount of guilt varies tremendously. I think there are certain people I can't stand hurting and others in my life who maybe had it coming or something because I don't feel as bad - sometimes I don't feel bad at all and that puzzles me.
There is a pastor in our family. God can forgive almost anything, so you still have hope as long as you have faith and ask forgiveness. If you'd like to rejoin a church, you might find activities/people there that would be more supportive than you think. I live in the land of the mega-church and although I wouldn't attend one, some of them have everything under the sun in terms of support groups. I have heard that they can be very helpful for people who need to let go of past actions. I would avoid the ones who characterize mental illness as sin, though, and look for a more progressive church.
I am agnostic. I have a very rigid moral code, however. I am not great at forgiving myself, but I'm better than I used to be. I believe getting back into therapy will help. I find that my morals/ethics have been a handicap in situations, especially when I was working. People do things regularly that I think are wrong and it doesn't bother them at all. When I do something wrong, I am usually filled with shame and regret, but for whatever reason, the amount of guilt varies tremendously. I think there are certain people I can't stand hurting and others in my life who maybe had it coming or something because I don't feel as bad - sometimes I don't feel bad at all and that puzzles me.
There is a pastor in our family. God can forgive almost anything, so you still have hope as long as you have faith and ask forgiveness. If you'd like to rejoin a church, you might find activities/people there that would be more supportive than you think. I live in the land of the mega-church and although I wouldn't attend one, some of them have everything under the sun in terms of support groups. I have heard that they can be very helpful for people who need to let go of past actions. I would avoid the ones who characterize mental illness as sin, though, and look for a more progressive church.
Do I believe.
damn.
Yes I believe in god.
No i do not believe in Religion.
Thats as close as it gets, Ii do not believe in a god who punishes people and I do not believe in judging people either - humanity is humanity.
damn.
Yes I believe in god.
No i do not believe in Religion.
Thats as close as it gets, Ii do not believe in a god who punishes people and I do not believe in judging people either - humanity is humanity.
Well its best to make amends for what you've done that you can in some way change, if you've done things that were harmful or antagonistic to people to make it up to them for example. And as for the rest its best to forgive yourself and move on. You know you won't do it any more. It would be good to talk this all over with your therapist. However, feelings of guilt often happen, regardless of belief system, in a depressive state so it would important to speak to your psychiatrist as well to make sure everything is adjusted so that you don't get these negative feelings to begin with when you have changed your life around.
I do understand the experience though. I was a very negativistic person in the past who did not care about people and acted destructive but it was part of the schizoaffective disorder. I can't say that some of the things I did were acceptable but I devoted my energy to helping other people and working with them rather than regret the past which I couldn't change, since I recovered.
I do understand the experience though. I was a very negativistic person in the past who did not care about people and acted destructive but it was part of the schizoaffective disorder. I can't say that some of the things I did were acceptable but I devoted my energy to helping other people and working with them rather than regret the past which I couldn't change, since I recovered.
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