My husband

[mvandiver]

For the past 5 or so years, I have strongly suspected my husband of having bipolar disorder. I mean, I'm like 99% sure. His brother was disgnosed as bipolar and their grandmother was suspected to be bipolar as well.

I tried to bring it up to him twice...the first time he got mean and angry, so I stopped talking about it with him. Then I tried again about a year later and he actually flipped out and threatened divorce, etc. It was pretty bad. He is in complete denial about it. And the cycles he goes through put EXTREME stress on me and our daughter. I don't know how to handle it.

What should I do? Who should I talk to? Should I say something to our primary care physician (we both go to the same one)? Is there a way to deal with unmedicated bipolar? I'm also terrified that my daughter will someday be diagnosed (she's only 5 now though and shows no signs at all). I need some help and advice, please...thank you.

[looloo141]

My friend went through this with her husband, he drank whiskey every night, and took handfulls of Tramadol aswell. She used to descibe it in cycles as well, and he still has them but not very often. He was verbally abusive but she was aswell, he would usually walk out and go fishing or something, that used to cool the situation. Maybe your hub could do that, I know it sounds a bit a lame but at least nobody else would be subject to his aggression. I found as a person with Bipolar I could often reach him in these dark places, and see what was happening, he had a stressful job, 3 girls and a very hormonal wife who took everything to heart, she felt he didnt want her and their daughters and was probably having an affair, he wasn't. These cycles are depression, IMHO. Men seem to cover things up a lot and do "behave" after a butt kicking, but they need tons of reassurance like kids really. They don't cry easily and struggle to find an outlet, so its usually the closest person.
This doesn't mean you have to accept it though, if things get heavy then you go out, have time to yourself, make an agreement that if things get to boiling point then someone needs to go out until they have calmed down..
I really don't know how you are going to get him to the doctor, he sounds very stubborn, try to chip away gently.
As for my friend, he doesn't have as many of these cycles anymore, and she found a way of protecting her feelings and her daughters..she basically said OK you do what you want but you're not dragging me down too.
It does take years, and you sound very commited, so best wishes and good luck.

[trdofbeingtrd]

This actually sounds more like just an abusive person than someone with bi-polar. No offense, but from the "cycle" it explains more about what mental conditions he has and does not have.

It's an abusive relationship period. Sorry, I am not meaning to sound harsh, it's just that I lived through one and my mom chose our abusive step dad over my sister and I.

Sorry your going through this.

[yarrow]

You say, "And I'm scared that divorcing would be worse for my daughter because of everything that would happen because of it."

I suffered emotion abuse from my stepdad, and I can tell you that divorce would have been a piece of cake compared to living in the same life with that man.

Of course, in a sense, you do love your husband, and at least, when he's bad, he is a known evil, as opposed to the unknown.  But do you care for him more than for your daughter?

Since you mention that you have a family doctor, you can and definitely should talk this over with him.  Bipolar disorder is a medical matter.  Wouldn't you discuss it if you feared your husband had diabetes, for example?  Tell the doctor that you wish this conversation to be confidential (he is legally bound to honor your request), and why.

As to your question about dealing with unmedicated bipolar, the answer is no, not successfully.  At the very least, YOU need counseling--and so will your daughter.

[mvandiver]

My husband isn't physical abusive with my daughter and I at all...but he IS verbally abusive, as well as emotionally abusive to me. I have already left quite a few times before. The last time was this past January...my daugher and I were gone a week and then he asked us to come back and he was well-behaved for two months after that, but then he hit a depressive cycle again or something, I don't know...same story, every time. So now we're back in that cycle and he's finding it hard to go to work, he's wasting money on stuff that is NOT a benefit to our family at ALL, he's drinking again, etc. Same story. This may go on for a few weeks or sometimes a couple months. Then he'll suddenly be calm again and treat us good and I can tell he's feeling better and trying to be better...that will last anywhere from a couple weeks to maybe a couple months. Then the cycles start all over again.

I just can't leave him. I love him and I really just want him to get help so we can be a family ALL the time. Besides that, I really have nowhere to go. I can't live at my parents' house (they already have a houseful of people and no room, plus my mom has mental issues as well that I definitely cannot handle being around and don't want my daughter to grow up around...it's worse than what my husband deals with). And I'm scared that divorcing would be worse for my daughter because of everything that would happen because of it. I feel like I can't win.

But thanks SO much to everyone who replied with advice and help. I'm just heartbroken.

[looloo141]

Bless you, awful situation! I agree with trdofbeingtrd that this is impacting massively on yours and your childs life, and it does appear that you are the one that is going to have to deal with this.. I am Bipolar myself and know how nasty and aggressive and utterly unreachable I can be so I'm thinking that he needs a massive shock to bring him to his senses.. My massive shock was maybe losing my children, this horrified me and I sought help immediately!
I really don't want to suggest too much as we really don't know too much, but the family link makes it extremely likely he has bp or another mental health condition.. All I can think of is that you need to think of the thing that would shock him into seeking help, this might be removing you and your daughter for a few days or something else..
Men seem to have worse episodes as women but not as many but at the best of times they hard to get through LOL.
I hope that you are looking after yourself and not trying to be strong too long as this doesn't work either, I think you could try mentioning it to the family doctor but he is bound by confidentiality but he might have experience in dealing with people in such denial.
Thinking of you..take care.

[trdofbeingtrd]

This is a tough one.

My advice is not something you should just go by.........even though you already knew that.......

If it was me, I would have to decide, is this something that is so tough to deal with and does he get so close to the line of his behavior being abusive that drastic measures/methods need to be considered.

If I felt that my partner was abusive to my child and I, I would instead of approaching it where they can get upset, approach it where I am drawing a line. I would let my partner know that regardless if it's a mental issue or if it's something else, they need to get help, or the marriage would not be going any further. A person being abusive is a serious problem. I would let my partner know that if they did not seek help (which I would be there every step of the way with them) then it would be time for a separation.

I am not suggesting you get a divorce, but if you can't talk to him about it, and his behavior is abusive, it would be to either solve the problem, or take a break from the relationship. This is a serious problem, but I also understand that if he has a mental issue and you love him, it will be harder to take the actions it would take for a person so lost in denial.

I would make this serious decision, but that is just me. My main point is that if this problem is not addressed, things could get worse. People will give you other answers, and one or more might be more appropriate.

Please keep us posted.